Out with the Old—In with the Same?

New Years at the boys’ house—the standard by which all my New Year’s in LA have been lived by. People played their parts, as always, there was sex, drama, bad dancing and gossip galore. I had fun, got a little drunk and looked cute—I think. I wished I had been more into the night’s fun.

Up until an hour before I hadn’t really decided what I wanted to do. I had various options for the evening—party hopping with Ruby, going to BB with Valeska and Kelly then the boys’, going to the Derby with Lizzie, Art, Jennifer and handful of other people. I just couldn’t decide what to do.

I know that I am in a slight rut, hanging with the same people and doing the same things all the time—the same bar, the same parties, the same people for coffee and dinners. It doesn’t really bother me that much—I love my friends and it is usually a good time.

I guess what is bothering me; as of late is the growing divide in my friends and in my life. It’s not one particular thing or set of events—it’s just that as we grow older I am beginning to see how the split is going. It’s couples versus singles, the successful versus the non, the people who want ‘it’ and the people who don’t.

This normally wouldn’t bother too much—I want my friends to have their successes, their joys, but what I am starting to realize is that I don’t know where I am going in all of this. I know what I want for the most part—a career as a writer (which I think I have started), to be creatively growing (which I have been doing), and to try and find the right guy to settle with and start a family.

But what I am becoming more aware of is that it is not going to happen with my current situation. I will not meet the right guy in this group—that I am the token (for the most part) and that if I really want to settle down then I need to at least start and look. Going to straight bars or hanging with the same people isn’t going to help and I need to branch out.

The problem is that I don’t do this well solo. At the end of the day, I’m a shy guy, I don’t have any gay friends at all and a work/financial/transportation issue that gets it the way. In order to move forward—something has to change. And it’s going to be hard.

The biggest problem in all of this is I don’t know how to ask for help, or have the right people to help me—in some cases. I just am growing worried that as we continue to become entrenched in the lifestyles that we have that I will be the last one standing. That I will be alone and without the guy because I chose to stay within the comfort zone. And I’m not sure what to do about.

I guess I have to make a plan but this is all back burner with my night job and lack of means to travel. These are things I am working on. Slowly though.