End of Things?
I’m not a very open person. It’s something that many people in my life have pointed out. There’s a million reasons for this; my family, my past relationships, and a history that I can’t even begin to explain. I have always been more comfortable watching and listening. It’s what I do. And this blog was my way to work on it—to maybe break down some walls and get a better understanding of my head and my heart. To learn how to express myself better, to try and understand myself more. I’ve kept journals, dairies, and notebooks in the past but always hit a point when I stopped using them. So I thought that by putting here—that I would feel a responsibility to my audience to keep going. I never imagined who would read it or why—just that the idea that someone might want me to kept me writing. The point of this all was never to cause drama—I never assumed that Kelly or Edie or any of the people in my life would read it. I gave them the option so that if it became known that no one would be surprised. I didn’t want to hide anything. This was mostly a space for me to go away from the world—to lay myself out with my faults and my hopes. Anyone who wanted to could read it—my family, far away friends, people who care about could get a chance to better understand my thoughts and my world. I put words here that are hard to say out loud; my fear of being alone, how fat I sometimes feel, what I see within myself and also the people I care about. I never imagined all the ways that this could be used against me. I never thought anyone would hate me enough to put that energy in, that anyone would be so bored that they would feel the need to comb every thought I had for anything negative. I guess I was a fool. So many have made me feel bad about my blog in the past week—whether they sent it around to get me in trouble, read what I was doing and chose to judge me, called me a fool for trusting that people would see it for what it was. Just a collection of my thoughts—things that I can’t normally say. Not passive aggressive attacks on people but rather just what I felt at a given time. And everyone has been hurt by it some degree and I can’t apologize for that. Even our closest friends have flaws or bad moments and I have never held back on them or myself. If anything I am hardest on myself most of all. I guess I’m at a loss about what to do next. Part of me wonders if I should stop and say, “Screw it.” Part of me wonders if I should just create a new one and hide it from people in my life. And another part thinks I should just keep going and fuck the world. I just don’t know what to do.