Nicole
Death. It comes in the oddest ways and at the oddest times. Nicole was the Emerson grad killed in New York this past week—it’s been on the news channels, the Internet, the subject of e-mails. She’s gone from being the driven, talented artist I knew in Boston to a New York cause and a symbol of tragedy in one of the world’s biggest cities.
I knew her briefly—in the grand scheme of my life she would be part of sentence, someone who was involved in a theatre group that I was on the sidelines of. Someone with whom Heather put on “Taming of the Shrew”, a fellow acting major and friend of sorts—I was not a fan though I did respect her goals.
It’s always weird when someone you know dies. I’ve had very little experience with it outside of several family members, most of whom I don’t remember because I was so young when they passed. It’s hard when it’s a peer, even harder when it is one that you had problems with, tension, someone that for whatever reason was cut from your life.
This brings me to Jacintha. She was apart of my LA social life, someone who I partied with, took trips to Vegas and even danced with. She passed away a while ago under strange circumstances that I have never understood and someone with whom I had bad blood.
It was over something huge at the time, in the aftermath of Kelly and Ty’s breakup, when we stopped speaking. She was upset with a handful of us over an event and set mean spirited e-mails and I called her on it. I was furious when we last spoke and I did everything but curse her out completely during the last conversation we had. And while I still stand behind the reasoning at the time—to this day my words haunt me.
This made it even harder when she died—I felt such a guilt come over me that I had been that way to her. Hindsight is 50/50 and to this day I take pause when I deal with the little petty dramas that compose my life at points. It amazes me how much one loss, however small, can make one change their relationships with so many.
And as I watch and hear about Nicole’s death and the feelings that will continue to emerge I hope that people aren’t too hard on themselves about the past. The one thing I came to realize was that my relationship with Jacintha, the bad points included, was that it was mostly likely not something that kept her awake at night. It was a point in time for us both and smaller than a footnote in the grand scheme of things.
I’d like to believe that Jacintha wouldn’t want me to beat myself up and that Nicole would want the same thing for any of us. I think that both would want to be remembered for who they tried to be and at their happiest. Jacintha off filming things, taking pictures and Nicole on stage performing or behind the scenes with her scripts both trying to make art but also a difference.
Monday, January 31, 2005
The Heat is On.
Valeska has a boyfriend. Yep—you read that right. Wild child/rock star wanna be and sexiest girl I know is with a guy. A solid, independent, smart guy named Bryant. And we’re all happy for her though this changes everything.
One the last singles is off the market—me, Lizzie, Kelly and Lola are left but it is not the same thing. Valeska is the most like Kelly—the same bars, similar type guys and wild behavior—they’ve been each other’s wingman, partners in crime and support. And neither Lola, Lizzie or I are good candidates to replace Valeska as a ‘singles’ partner.
I just worry that Kelly will feel alone as the situation continues. I’m not the one to hit the bars with her, be the wild one to tear up Vegas or take on the cute guy’s friend so she can do whatever she wants with her latest conquest.
And maybe this is all over thinking—that maybe this will push Kelly out to get a real candidate for a relationship, that she will realize the changes needed to find a relationship and that it’s time to look for more potential within herself and the men she meets.
And these are just my thoughts on Kelly. There’s even more pressure on myself.
Valeska has a boyfriend. Yep—you read that right. Wild child/rock star wanna be and sexiest girl I know is with a guy. A solid, independent, smart guy named Bryant. And we’re all happy for her though this changes everything.
One the last singles is off the market—me, Lizzie, Kelly and Lola are left but it is not the same thing. Valeska is the most like Kelly—the same bars, similar type guys and wild behavior—they’ve been each other’s wingman, partners in crime and support. And neither Lola, Lizzie or I are good candidates to replace Valeska as a ‘singles’ partner.
I just worry that Kelly will feel alone as the situation continues. I’m not the one to hit the bars with her, be the wild one to tear up Vegas or take on the cute guy’s friend so she can do whatever she wants with her latest conquest.
And maybe this is all over thinking—that maybe this will push Kelly out to get a real candidate for a relationship, that she will realize the changes needed to find a relationship and that it’s time to look for more potential within herself and the men she meets.
And these are just my thoughts on Kelly. There’s even more pressure on myself.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
This is ME
 | You scored as Posh Spice. Your Spice Girls identity is Posh Spice (aka Vicotria Beckham). You have an impecable sense of style and you have a passion for fashion. Though you often focus on the more superficial side of life, you also yearn for stability. Despite your consciouness of appearances, you always judge a person based on who they are, not what they wear.
Spice Girl Identity created with QuizFarm.com |
Just a Letter
Hey all…Sorry it took me so long to respond to yesterday’s e-mail fun. By the time I checked my e-mail there were about 40 e-mails and I wanted to see where it was going before I threw in my 2 cents. Oh yeah, here’s my disclaimer—I’m male and gay so that does affect my viewpoint at more than even I suspected.
1) First off—we’re all; men and women, fucked from the get go. We’ve all been a victim of society’s expectations—I blame pop culture—when it comes to romantic relationships. We have to be a certain way, he is going to be a certain way, it has to happen a certain way and it has to go a certain way for it to be ‘right’. We’re fed so much garbage about what ‘love’ is supposed to be that we are already at a disadvantage.
And the soul mate ideal fucks things up even more—this idea that there is just one person meant for us and vise versa. It doesn’t take into account how much we change through out our lives—the boy I wanted at 16 (a motorcycle riding rebel to burst into 4th period English as ‘Cool Rider’ blares over the intercom system) is not the same guy I would want now. I think we’re meant to fall in love several times during the course of lives but it is not a set pattern—some of us meet the right guy at 16 and some of us will meet him at 38.
The soul mate ideal puts such pressure on each relationship—each guy becomes a contender for ‘the one’ and when it doesn’t work out we question ourselves as to what was wrong. I’ve come to learn so much about myself from each of my past relationships and don’t see them as failures as much as practice for the real thing. I still have hope that it can happen.
What really sucks is that women have more pressure at the end of the day due to the biological. I mean, if you want to have a family that you birth then you do have a set time table where as men can reproduce when ever. I have never had male friend say that he needs to get his family plan started by a certain age where as the girls I know have said that to have their kids by the early to mid thirties that they have to start dating the right guy sooner than later. And this is true.
Most guys have a different viewpoint all together. They don’t ever feel that the ‘family time frame’ ever really closes. Even the ones who want marriage and kids still know that they can take their time to find whatever is their ‘right girl’. And society allows men the open timetable—just talk to any single guy in his 30’s and any single woman in her 30’s to see what’s going on.
So from the get-go there is a lot of pressure. And this turns most of us into either the serial dater—every guy they date is going to be the one—or the cynic—every guy is flawed because he isn’t going to be everything that we ‘want’ or ‘going to last’ so why bother? Neither side is right because the serial dater will date just about anyone while the cynic turns down every guy she meets. It’s easy to see how each side gets screwed.
2) In terms of couple and singles ‘getting each other’ and having common ground—to a degree we just don’t. Being in a couple means a responsibility to another person, someone who we have to taken into account when we make plans, choices and even what the goals are. Sometimes that sucks—I remember when I was with Fernando how many times I wished I could go out dancing with Jessica and Little Jen or dinner with ‘the girls’ or stretch out in my own bed.
Whereas being single is about responsibility to our selves, which means our happiness rests solely in our hands. We can go anywhere we want, take whatever job catches our eye, and dance with as many boys as we dare. But this sucks too; we all want someone who has an investment in who we are. There are so many times I wished I had someone I could cry in front of and not feel weak, someone who I could share all of myself with or just a cuddle on a cold night.
Because we’re coming from these 2 different places it is hard sometimes to interact socially—most coupled people don’t want to go to a bar 24/7 and get hit on by drunken guys as the single friend is off chatting some random guy while most singles don’t want to spend their nights at someone’s apartment watching films while their couple friends are cuddling on the couch.
And our problems are different—the singles are trying to figure out why they’re going on so many bad dates or complaining about how guys ‘suck’ meanwhile the coupled friend is trying to figure out why they haven’t had a real conversation with boyfriend/husband in the last 2 days though they have been home together the whole time or how to get him to pick up his damn socks. So it can be hard to find a common ground mentally and physically.
3) So—where does that leave me in all of this? I think that we can all be too hard on our selves at times. It’s okay to be cynical, wrapped up in our relationship, upset that we let the wrong boy back in our heart, that maybe we can’t deal with our single friends sometimes and vise versa. What’s not okay is beating ourselves up for our choices long term because that doesn’t fix anything.
The thing about all these e-mails that impressed me is how different we all are and yet all the same too. Neddy already said this but each of you is amazing and funny and cool and sexy and a good friend. Of course that is just my opinion.
Hey all…Sorry it took me so long to respond to yesterday’s e-mail fun. By the time I checked my e-mail there were about 40 e-mails and I wanted to see where it was going before I threw in my 2 cents. Oh yeah, here’s my disclaimer—I’m male and gay so that does affect my viewpoint at more than even I suspected.
1) First off—we’re all; men and women, fucked from the get go. We’ve all been a victim of society’s expectations—I blame pop culture—when it comes to romantic relationships. We have to be a certain way, he is going to be a certain way, it has to happen a certain way and it has to go a certain way for it to be ‘right’. We’re fed so much garbage about what ‘love’ is supposed to be that we are already at a disadvantage.
And the soul mate ideal fucks things up even more—this idea that there is just one person meant for us and vise versa. It doesn’t take into account how much we change through out our lives—the boy I wanted at 16 (a motorcycle riding rebel to burst into 4th period English as ‘Cool Rider’ blares over the intercom system) is not the same guy I would want now. I think we’re meant to fall in love several times during the course of lives but it is not a set pattern—some of us meet the right guy at 16 and some of us will meet him at 38.
The soul mate ideal puts such pressure on each relationship—each guy becomes a contender for ‘the one’ and when it doesn’t work out we question ourselves as to what was wrong. I’ve come to learn so much about myself from each of my past relationships and don’t see them as failures as much as practice for the real thing. I still have hope that it can happen.
What really sucks is that women have more pressure at the end of the day due to the biological. I mean, if you want to have a family that you birth then you do have a set time table where as men can reproduce when ever. I have never had male friend say that he needs to get his family plan started by a certain age where as the girls I know have said that to have their kids by the early to mid thirties that they have to start dating the right guy sooner than later. And this is true.
Most guys have a different viewpoint all together. They don’t ever feel that the ‘family time frame’ ever really closes. Even the ones who want marriage and kids still know that they can take their time to find whatever is their ‘right girl’. And society allows men the open timetable—just talk to any single guy in his 30’s and any single woman in her 30’s to see what’s going on.
So from the get-go there is a lot of pressure. And this turns most of us into either the serial dater—every guy they date is going to be the one—or the cynic—every guy is flawed because he isn’t going to be everything that we ‘want’ or ‘going to last’ so why bother? Neither side is right because the serial dater will date just about anyone while the cynic turns down every guy she meets. It’s easy to see how each side gets screwed.
2) In terms of couple and singles ‘getting each other’ and having common ground—to a degree we just don’t. Being in a couple means a responsibility to another person, someone who we have to taken into account when we make plans, choices and even what the goals are. Sometimes that sucks—I remember when I was with Fernando how many times I wished I could go out dancing with Jessica and Little Jen or dinner with ‘the girls’ or stretch out in my own bed.
Whereas being single is about responsibility to our selves, which means our happiness rests solely in our hands. We can go anywhere we want, take whatever job catches our eye, and dance with as many boys as we dare. But this sucks too; we all want someone who has an investment in who we are. There are so many times I wished I had someone I could cry in front of and not feel weak, someone who I could share all of myself with or just a cuddle on a cold night.
Because we’re coming from these 2 different places it is hard sometimes to interact socially—most coupled people don’t want to go to a bar 24/7 and get hit on by drunken guys as the single friend is off chatting some random guy while most singles don’t want to spend their nights at someone’s apartment watching films while their couple friends are cuddling on the couch.
And our problems are different—the singles are trying to figure out why they’re going on so many bad dates or complaining about how guys ‘suck’ meanwhile the coupled friend is trying to figure out why they haven’t had a real conversation with boyfriend/husband in the last 2 days though they have been home together the whole time or how to get him to pick up his damn socks. So it can be hard to find a common ground mentally and physically.
3) So—where does that leave me in all of this? I think that we can all be too hard on our selves at times. It’s okay to be cynical, wrapped up in our relationship, upset that we let the wrong boy back in our heart, that maybe we can’t deal with our single friends sometimes and vise versa. What’s not okay is beating ourselves up for our choices long term because that doesn’t fix anything.
The thing about all these e-mails that impressed me is how different we all are and yet all the same too. Neddy already said this but each of you is amazing and funny and cool and sexy and a good friend. Of course that is just my opinion.
Monday, January 24, 2005
Life is like a BLT
Tammy Fae once said that life is like a BLT sandwich—a Blessing, a Lesson and a Test. This really cracked me up at the time but this weekend seemed to prove that statement down to a T.
This was the first time in awhile that I genuinely enjoyed everything that I did all weekend. It started with a nice Friday night in for the evening, just reading my Madison biography and pigging out on carrots with hummus. I forget how much an evening in can do for my head and my body.
Saturday was slow but easy with a late wake up and a nice round of house cleaning just because I could. It’s nice to have the house just look so nice, sorted out and pretty. It was a good way to spend a morning. Afterwards Kelly and I met up with JT to help prep for his party that night—food shopping, prep and just trying to help calm his nerves. I think we did the job and then came the party.
The outfit was simple with t-shirt, jeans and cute sneakers and all about comfort. It set the right tone for a party all about light drinking, casual conversation and good-natured mingling. It was a party that I didn’t want to leave or feel out of place at. It was quite novel and the perfect party to sandwich between all the social events yet to come.
Sunday was laid back with a nice brunch with the girls and desecrating the current boy drama. (Note—if you tell us to change something and we change it and you don’t follow through on your end then don’t be surprise when we are pissed at you.) Brunch was followed up by the Patriots game, which rocked with a great win, great beer and even better chili.
This was followed by cake and coffee with JT on his actually birthday. I think he was really happy which was great to see. Though he can never use the phrase ‘taco bonanza’ ever again. That’s just gross.
In terms of a lesson—I just had to accept certain things from other people and accept more things about myself. I realize now that Skylar will have nothing more to do with me and that there is nothing that I can do to make the situation better. I am sad at the loss of his respect but I understand it.
I can have a slight rapport with Nick. We were never really close but if I continue to try and respect the balance it might not be so awkward. We were able to have a short conversation about work and the Golden Globes, which is a vast improvement over where we used to be. I just have to expect little to get more.
Finally, I had to learn that I have no right to judge people for doing exactly what I would do. Since the Skylar incident certain people haven’t said 2 words to me and have blatantly ignored me. I finally got some clarity on the issue and realized that they are doing exactly what I would do in the same place.
And the test? Not to be a bitch. There were multiple times where I could have pointed out the double stands of several people and decided that it wasn’t worth it. I held my tongue about the dramas that I did see and was kind for those who needed it. It was hard because my bit is to be a brat, a snot and witty but I realized that if I can’t stop myself from crossing the line then I should just be silent. I don’t think this will last long but hey, I’m trying.
Tammy Fae once said that life is like a BLT sandwich—a Blessing, a Lesson and a Test. This really cracked me up at the time but this weekend seemed to prove that statement down to a T.
This was the first time in awhile that I genuinely enjoyed everything that I did all weekend. It started with a nice Friday night in for the evening, just reading my Madison biography and pigging out on carrots with hummus. I forget how much an evening in can do for my head and my body.
Saturday was slow but easy with a late wake up and a nice round of house cleaning just because I could. It’s nice to have the house just look so nice, sorted out and pretty. It was a good way to spend a morning. Afterwards Kelly and I met up with JT to help prep for his party that night—food shopping, prep and just trying to help calm his nerves. I think we did the job and then came the party.
The outfit was simple with t-shirt, jeans and cute sneakers and all about comfort. It set the right tone for a party all about light drinking, casual conversation and good-natured mingling. It was a party that I didn’t want to leave or feel out of place at. It was quite novel and the perfect party to sandwich between all the social events yet to come.
Sunday was laid back with a nice brunch with the girls and desecrating the current boy drama. (Note—if you tell us to change something and we change it and you don’t follow through on your end then don’t be surprise when we are pissed at you.) Brunch was followed up by the Patriots game, which rocked with a great win, great beer and even better chili.
This was followed by cake and coffee with JT on his actually birthday. I think he was really happy which was great to see. Though he can never use the phrase ‘taco bonanza’ ever again. That’s just gross.
In terms of a lesson—I just had to accept certain things from other people and accept more things about myself. I realize now that Skylar will have nothing more to do with me and that there is nothing that I can do to make the situation better. I am sad at the loss of his respect but I understand it.
I can have a slight rapport with Nick. We were never really close but if I continue to try and respect the balance it might not be so awkward. We were able to have a short conversation about work and the Golden Globes, which is a vast improvement over where we used to be. I just have to expect little to get more.
Finally, I had to learn that I have no right to judge people for doing exactly what I would do. Since the Skylar incident certain people haven’t said 2 words to me and have blatantly ignored me. I finally got some clarity on the issue and realized that they are doing exactly what I would do in the same place.
And the test? Not to be a bitch. There were multiple times where I could have pointed out the double stands of several people and decided that it wasn’t worth it. I held my tongue about the dramas that I did see and was kind for those who needed it. It was hard because my bit is to be a brat, a snot and witty but I realized that if I can’t stop myself from crossing the line then I should just be silent. I don’t think this will last long but hey, I’m trying.
Saturday, January 22, 2005
The Art of the Anti-date
Today I went on an anti-date. We’ve all had one of those weird pseudo dates with someone we casually know. Maybe they’re a co-worker, someone you met on the Internet or a friend of a friend. Something about them arouses your curiosity but not much more. It’s a date without the production values—no shaving legs or dress shirts. Casual but still kind of cute.
His name is Beauchamp. We met briefly at some Hollywood thing about a year and shortly after found each other on myspace. We would casually e-mail back and forth about stupid things—photos on-line, work and funny things that happen to each of us. After a few attempts we finally met up.
I have to be honest—I didn’t remember what he looked like face to face and was nervous while waiting at the coffee shop. I busied myself by working on one of my short stories and playing with my hair absent-mindedly. Beauchamp showed up all smiles and dressed in a slacker cut way—unshaven to give the appearance of not trying too hard.
After a few moments of awkwardness the conversation started to flow and I realized a few things. The boy has an ego—he is that smart, that clever, and that talented. It amused me more than put me off and made me think of a Fiona Apple song, “When a girl can break a boy just because she can.” I enjoy a challenge.
And he is my type. A little bigger than most guys, more beefy, with soft looking brown hair and beautiful deep eyes. He isn’t pretty but more aggressive looking like a former frat boy. I could already imagine kissing him. One thing put me off physically but the jury’s out till I see him again and I feel so shallow about this so I’m holding back from telling people about it.
Outside of that the day was interesting more than anything—at times the conversation stalled out and Beauchamp filled the dead air with compliments, which was novel. I imagined what it would be like to kiss him and even more but I always do that. All in all it was a great self-esteem boost.
And he walked me back to the metro and gave me his card. I’m going to wait a couple days before I call him because that’s how I am. But it was fun to have some male attention for the day and makes me feel a little more confident than usual.
I don’t know where it is going yet but I’m going to trying trusting my instincts a bit more. Beauchamp is still an enigma but I’m willing to try and that is a good distraction for me.
Today I went on an anti-date. We’ve all had one of those weird pseudo dates with someone we casually know. Maybe they’re a co-worker, someone you met on the Internet or a friend of a friend. Something about them arouses your curiosity but not much more. It’s a date without the production values—no shaving legs or dress shirts. Casual but still kind of cute.
His name is Beauchamp. We met briefly at some Hollywood thing about a year and shortly after found each other on myspace. We would casually e-mail back and forth about stupid things—photos on-line, work and funny things that happen to each of us. After a few attempts we finally met up.
I have to be honest—I didn’t remember what he looked like face to face and was nervous while waiting at the coffee shop. I busied myself by working on one of my short stories and playing with my hair absent-mindedly. Beauchamp showed up all smiles and dressed in a slacker cut way—unshaven to give the appearance of not trying too hard.
After a few moments of awkwardness the conversation started to flow and I realized a few things. The boy has an ego—he is that smart, that clever, and that talented. It amused me more than put me off and made me think of a Fiona Apple song, “When a girl can break a boy just because she can.” I enjoy a challenge.
And he is my type. A little bigger than most guys, more beefy, with soft looking brown hair and beautiful deep eyes. He isn’t pretty but more aggressive looking like a former frat boy. I could already imagine kissing him. One thing put me off physically but the jury’s out till I see him again and I feel so shallow about this so I’m holding back from telling people about it.
Outside of that the day was interesting more than anything—at times the conversation stalled out and Beauchamp filled the dead air with compliments, which was novel. I imagined what it would be like to kiss him and even more but I always do that. All in all it was a great self-esteem boost.
And he walked me back to the metro and gave me his card. I’m going to wait a couple days before I call him because that’s how I am. But it was fun to have some male attention for the day and makes me feel a little more confident than usual.
I don’t know where it is going yet but I’m going to trying trusting my instincts a bit more. Beauchamp is still an enigma but I’m willing to try and that is a good distraction for me.
Friday, January 21, 2005
Revelations ala Rory
As with any period of drama and self-inspection there is always a slew of revelations. Here are some of the things that I came to realize.
1) I have left myself go in the looks. I’m getting more than a little tubby. Time to strap on the skates and get busy.
2) That I am a drama queen. I am someone who gets involved, who takes offense for slights to others and meddles. I don’t think that this is the worst fault to have but I have to owe up to the fact that it will get me in trouble.
3) I am at a creative plateau of sorts. I haven’t written something that I have been truly proud and excited about in 6 months. This has to change.
4) In order to meet guys I have to actually try. I can count on my fingers the number of times I have been in a situation to meet men. I need to leave the comfort zone more.
5) I need to get better at networking for work. Drinks, e-mails and dinners need to happen for me to develop good work avenues.
6) Friends need more effort put in. Calling people, hanging out and just doing the social thing can happen more and I need to not use the car as an excuse.
As with any period of drama and self-inspection there is always a slew of revelations. Here are some of the things that I came to realize.
1) I have left myself go in the looks. I’m getting more than a little tubby. Time to strap on the skates and get busy.
2) That I am a drama queen. I am someone who gets involved, who takes offense for slights to others and meddles. I don’t think that this is the worst fault to have but I have to owe up to the fact that it will get me in trouble.
3) I am at a creative plateau of sorts. I haven’t written something that I have been truly proud and excited about in 6 months. This has to change.
4) In order to meet guys I have to actually try. I can count on my fingers the number of times I have been in a situation to meet men. I need to leave the comfort zone more.
5) I need to get better at networking for work. Drinks, e-mails and dinners need to happen for me to develop good work avenues.
6) Friends need more effort put in. Calling people, hanging out and just doing the social thing can happen more and I need to not use the car as an excuse.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
The Return of the Blog
I’m back. I needed a couple of days to realize what this is all about. To figure out where this all fits in my life—it’s purpose as it were. I spent the last few days mulling it over and all the different reasons I write here and came to a few realizations.
1) That I am more supported than I thought. A number of you, in various ways, helped me whether it was comments here, e-mails sent privately, phone calls or long coffee talks. Each of you gave insights and helped clear out the drama and bring in the important elements.
2) I reread the whole blog. This helped me to see not only the all the bad elements that have been brought to my attention via the drama but also all the ways it helped me to change. I also didn’t realize I used the word ‘yikes’ as much as I do.
3) That I had to put all the drama in perspective. That it wasn’t so much about my relationship with Skylar—or rather that if it was that important then we both would have chosen to discuss it in person than through gossip, blogs and 2nd party actions. That it was more about one person’s choice to try and hurt both of us and not us choosing to hurt each other.
4) I had to own up to the possibilities that by writing about my life, and the people in it, that this situation could happen again and how I would handle that possibility in the future. That I have to trust that people who I care about will give me the chance to explain myself and allow me to falter.
5) That I need my blog. So many times in the last few days I have wanted to write and post and didn’t. I was surprised by how much this bothered me and kept me on edge. I lost my space where I sort my head and I need it. That this blog gives me perspective and discipline as well.
And that’s why I am back. Hopefully this can all make me try for better posts. Hopefully.
I’m back. I needed a couple of days to realize what this is all about. To figure out where this all fits in my life—it’s purpose as it were. I spent the last few days mulling it over and all the different reasons I write here and came to a few realizations.
1) That I am more supported than I thought. A number of you, in various ways, helped me whether it was comments here, e-mails sent privately, phone calls or long coffee talks. Each of you gave insights and helped clear out the drama and bring in the important elements.
2) I reread the whole blog. This helped me to see not only the all the bad elements that have been brought to my attention via the drama but also all the ways it helped me to change. I also didn’t realize I used the word ‘yikes’ as much as I do.
3) That I had to put all the drama in perspective. That it wasn’t so much about my relationship with Skylar—or rather that if it was that important then we both would have chosen to discuss it in person than through gossip, blogs and 2nd party actions. That it was more about one person’s choice to try and hurt both of us and not us choosing to hurt each other.
4) I had to own up to the possibilities that by writing about my life, and the people in it, that this situation could happen again and how I would handle that possibility in the future. That I have to trust that people who I care about will give me the chance to explain myself and allow me to falter.
5) That I need my blog. So many times in the last few days I have wanted to write and post and didn’t. I was surprised by how much this bothered me and kept me on edge. I lost my space where I sort my head and I need it. That this blog gives me perspective and discipline as well.
And that’s why I am back. Hopefully this can all make me try for better posts. Hopefully.
This Just Bummed Me Out
NEW YORK - Ruth Warrick, the darling of the daytime soap opera "All My Children" who launched her career in Orson Welles' classic "Citizen Kane," has died, ABC-TV said Monday. She was 88.
AP Photo
Warrick died at her New York home Saturday of complications from pneumonia, said ABC.
In "All My Children," which debuted in 1970, Warrick played Phoebe Tyler Wallingford, the grande dame of the fictitious affluent town of Pine Valley. She portrayed the meddlesome and over-the-top personality so believably that her fans often had trouble distinguishing between the stylish actress and her fictitious, equally sophisticated character.
Twice nominated for an Emmy for the role, Warrick often talked about how Phoebe Tyler had become an integral part of her life.
The producer Jorn Winther once said of the actress: "Obviously Ruth and Phoebe are separate and unique, yet they have much in common. All I can say with confidence is that they are both great ladies and that I love them."
Warrick received the Lifetime Achievement Award from the National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences for the role. She made her final appearance less than two weeks ago to commemorate the show's 35th anniversary.
Susan Lucci, who plays Erica Kane on "All My Children," said Warrick was her first mentor.
"Over the years she not only shared with me her talent and grace, but she did so with the entire country," Lucci said in the ABC statement.
Born and raised in St. Joseph, Mo., Warrick left for New York after graduating from the University of Kansas City. Her interest in acting led her to the Mercury Theater troupe, headed by Welles.
She made her Hollywood debut in 1941 in "Citizen Kane" as Emily Norton Kane. Welles, who co-wrote, directed and starred in the film, hand-picked her for the role of his wife because he said there were no "ladies in Hollywood" who fit the bill.
In 1991, Warrick was honored with a caricature on the wall of the famous New York restaurant Sardi's in honor of the 50th anniversary of her performance in the film.
Warrick later appeared in other movies, including "The Corsican Brothers," with Douglas Fairbanks Jr., and "The Great Bank Robbery."
But television turned out to be her medium. Before landing the role of Phoebe Tyler, Warrick had the starring role in the series "Father of the Bride" and received an Emmy nomination for her role as Hannah Cord in the long-running "Peyton Place." She also appeared in two other soap operas: "As the World Turns," from 1956-60, and "The Guiding Light," from 1953-54.
Warrick seemed to find her niche in the role of Phoebe Tyler. She often said it was Welles who was indirectly responsible for the character's development.
In her autobiography "The Confessions of Phoebe Tyler," Warrick wrote that Kane's wife almost seemed to mature into the soap opera character.
"Since Emily's character owes much to the compelling hand of Orson Welles, so, indirectly, must Phoebe's," she wrote.
Warrick also had a strong commitment to the arts in education. She taught at Julia Richman High School in New York as part of former President Carter's City in Schools program and was a dropout prevention consultant for the Labor Department (news - web sites) under former President Kennedy and for former President Johnson's Job Training Corps.
She is survived by three children, a grandson and six great-grandchildren.
NEW YORK - Ruth Warrick, the darling of the daytime soap opera "All My Children" who launched her career in Orson Welles' classic "Citizen Kane," has died, ABC-TV said Monday. She was 88.
AP Photo
Warrick died at her New York home Saturday of complications from pneumonia, said ABC.
In "All My Children," which debuted in 1970, Warrick played Phoebe Tyler Wallingford, the grande dame of the fictitious affluent town of Pine Valley. She portrayed the meddlesome and over-the-top personality so believably that her fans often had trouble distinguishing between the stylish actress and her fictitious, equally sophisticated character.
Twice nominated for an Emmy for the role, Warrick often talked about how Phoebe Tyler had become an integral part of her life.
The producer Jorn Winther once said of the actress: "Obviously Ruth and Phoebe are separate and unique, yet they have much in common. All I can say with confidence is that they are both great ladies and that I love them."
Warrick received the Lifetime Achievement Award from the National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences for the role. She made her final appearance less than two weeks ago to commemorate the show's 35th anniversary.
Susan Lucci, who plays Erica Kane on "All My Children," said Warrick was her first mentor.
"Over the years she not only shared with me her talent and grace, but she did so with the entire country," Lucci said in the ABC statement.
Born and raised in St. Joseph, Mo., Warrick left for New York after graduating from the University of Kansas City. Her interest in acting led her to the Mercury Theater troupe, headed by Welles.
She made her Hollywood debut in 1941 in "Citizen Kane" as Emily Norton Kane. Welles, who co-wrote, directed and starred in the film, hand-picked her for the role of his wife because he said there were no "ladies in Hollywood" who fit the bill.
In 1991, Warrick was honored with a caricature on the wall of the famous New York restaurant Sardi's in honor of the 50th anniversary of her performance in the film.
Warrick later appeared in other movies, including "The Corsican Brothers," with Douglas Fairbanks Jr., and "The Great Bank Robbery."
But television turned out to be her medium. Before landing the role of Phoebe Tyler, Warrick had the starring role in the series "Father of the Bride" and received an Emmy nomination for her role as Hannah Cord in the long-running "Peyton Place." She also appeared in two other soap operas: "As the World Turns," from 1956-60, and "The Guiding Light," from 1953-54.
Warrick seemed to find her niche in the role of Phoebe Tyler. She often said it was Welles who was indirectly responsible for the character's development.
In her autobiography "The Confessions of Phoebe Tyler," Warrick wrote that Kane's wife almost seemed to mature into the soap opera character.
"Since Emily's character owes much to the compelling hand of Orson Welles, so, indirectly, must Phoebe's," she wrote.
Warrick also had a strong commitment to the arts in education. She taught at Julia Richman High School in New York as part of former President Carter's City in Schools program and was a dropout prevention consultant for the Labor Department (news - web sites) under former President Kennedy and for former President Johnson's Job Training Corps.
She is survived by three children, a grandson and six great-grandchildren.
Thursday, January 13, 2005
End of Things?
I’m not a very open person. It’s something that many people in my life have pointed out. There’s a million reasons for this; my family, my past relationships, and a history that I can’t even begin to explain. I have always been more comfortable watching and listening. It’s what I do. And this blog was my way to work on it—to maybe break down some walls and get a better understanding of my head and my heart. To learn how to express myself better, to try and understand myself more. I’ve kept journals, dairies, and notebooks in the past but always hit a point when I stopped using them. So I thought that by putting here—that I would feel a responsibility to my audience to keep going. I never imagined who would read it or why—just that the idea that someone might want me to kept me writing. The point of this all was never to cause drama—I never assumed that Kelly or Edie or any of the people in my life would read it. I gave them the option so that if it became known that no one would be surprised. I didn’t want to hide anything. This was mostly a space for me to go away from the world—to lay myself out with my faults and my hopes. Anyone who wanted to could read it—my family, far away friends, people who care about could get a chance to better understand my thoughts and my world. I put words here that are hard to say out loud; my fear of being alone, how fat I sometimes feel, what I see within myself and also the people I care about. I never imagined all the ways that this could be used against me. I never thought anyone would hate me enough to put that energy in, that anyone would be so bored that they would feel the need to comb every thought I had for anything negative. I guess I was a fool. So many have made me feel bad about my blog in the past week—whether they sent it around to get me in trouble, read what I was doing and chose to judge me, called me a fool for trusting that people would see it for what it was. Just a collection of my thoughts—things that I can’t normally say. Not passive aggressive attacks on people but rather just what I felt at a given time. And everyone has been hurt by it some degree and I can’t apologize for that. Even our closest friends have flaws or bad moments and I have never held back on them or myself. If anything I am hardest on myself most of all. I guess I’m at a loss about what to do next. Part of me wonders if I should stop and say, “Screw it.” Part of me wonders if I should just create a new one and hide it from people in my life. And another part thinks I should just keep going and fuck the world. I just don’t know what to do.
I’m not a very open person. It’s something that many people in my life have pointed out. There’s a million reasons for this; my family, my past relationships, and a history that I can’t even begin to explain. I have always been more comfortable watching and listening. It’s what I do. And this blog was my way to work on it—to maybe break down some walls and get a better understanding of my head and my heart. To learn how to express myself better, to try and understand myself more. I’ve kept journals, dairies, and notebooks in the past but always hit a point when I stopped using them. So I thought that by putting here—that I would feel a responsibility to my audience to keep going. I never imagined who would read it or why—just that the idea that someone might want me to kept me writing. The point of this all was never to cause drama—I never assumed that Kelly or Edie or any of the people in my life would read it. I gave them the option so that if it became known that no one would be surprised. I didn’t want to hide anything. This was mostly a space for me to go away from the world—to lay myself out with my faults and my hopes. Anyone who wanted to could read it—my family, far away friends, people who care about could get a chance to better understand my thoughts and my world. I put words here that are hard to say out loud; my fear of being alone, how fat I sometimes feel, what I see within myself and also the people I care about. I never imagined all the ways that this could be used against me. I never thought anyone would hate me enough to put that energy in, that anyone would be so bored that they would feel the need to comb every thought I had for anything negative. I guess I was a fool. So many have made me feel bad about my blog in the past week—whether they sent it around to get me in trouble, read what I was doing and chose to judge me, called me a fool for trusting that people would see it for what it was. Just a collection of my thoughts—things that I can’t normally say. Not passive aggressive attacks on people but rather just what I felt at a given time. And everyone has been hurt by it some degree and I can’t apologize for that. Even our closest friends have flaws or bad moments and I have never held back on them or myself. If anything I am hardest on myself most of all. I guess I’m at a loss about what to do next. Part of me wonders if I should stop and say, “Screw it.” Part of me wonders if I should just create a new one and hide it from people in my life. And another part thinks I should just keep going and fuck the world. I just don’t know what to do.
The End of Things?
I’m not a very open person. It’s something that many people in my life have pointed out. There’s a million reasons for this; my family, my past relationships, and a history that I can’t even begin to explain. I have always been more comfortable watching and listening. It’s what I do.
And this blog was my way to work on it—to maybe break down some walls and get a better understanding of my head and my heart. To learn how to express myself better, to try and understand myself more. I’ve kept journals, dairies, and notebooks in the past but always hit a point when I stopped using them.
So I thought that by putting here—that I would feel a responsibility to my audience to keep going. I never imagined who would read it or why—just that the idea that someone might want me to kept me writing.
The point of this all was never to cause drama—I never assumed that Kelly or Edie or any of the people in my life would read it. I gave them the option so that if it became known that no one would be surprised. I didn’t want to hide anything.
This was mostly a space for me to go away from the world—to lay myself out with my faults and my hopes. Anyone who wanted to could read it—my family, far away friends, people who care about could get a chance to better understand my thoughts and my world. I put words here that are hard to say out loud; my fear of being alone, how fat I sometimes feel, what I see within myself and also the people I care about.
I never imagined all the ways that this could be used against me. I never thought anyone would hate me enough to put that energy in, that anyone would be so bored that they would feel the need to comb every thought I had for anything negative. I guess I was a fool.
So many have made me feel bad about my blog in the past week—whether they sent it around to get me in trouble, read what I was doing and chose to judge me, called me a fool for trusting that people would see it for what it was. Just a collection of my thoughts—things that I can’t normally say. Not passive aggressive attacks on people but rather just what I felt at a given time.
And everyone has been hurt by it some degree and I can’t apologize for that. Even our closest friends have flaws or bad moments and I have never held back on them or myself. If anything I am hardest on myself most of all.
I guess I’m at a loss about what to do next. Part of me wonders if I should stop and say, “Screw it.” Part of me wonders if I should just create a new one and hide it from people in my life. And another part thinks I should just keep going and fuck the world. I just don’t know what to do.
I’m not a very open person. It’s something that many people in my life have pointed out. There’s a million reasons for this; my family, my past relationships, and a history that I can’t even begin to explain. I have always been more comfortable watching and listening. It’s what I do.
And this blog was my way to work on it—to maybe break down some walls and get a better understanding of my head and my heart. To learn how to express myself better, to try and understand myself more. I’ve kept journals, dairies, and notebooks in the past but always hit a point when I stopped using them.
So I thought that by putting here—that I would feel a responsibility to my audience to keep going. I never imagined who would read it or why—just that the idea that someone might want me to kept me writing.
The point of this all was never to cause drama—I never assumed that Kelly or Edie or any of the people in my life would read it. I gave them the option so that if it became known that no one would be surprised. I didn’t want to hide anything.
This was mostly a space for me to go away from the world—to lay myself out with my faults and my hopes. Anyone who wanted to could read it—my family, far away friends, people who care about could get a chance to better understand my thoughts and my world. I put words here that are hard to say out loud; my fear of being alone, how fat I sometimes feel, what I see within myself and also the people I care about.
I never imagined all the ways that this could be used against me. I never thought anyone would hate me enough to put that energy in, that anyone would be so bored that they would feel the need to comb every thought I had for anything negative. I guess I was a fool.
So many have made me feel bad about my blog in the past week—whether they sent it around to get me in trouble, read what I was doing and chose to judge me, called me a fool for trusting that people would see it for what it was. Just a collection of my thoughts—things that I can’t normally say. Not passive aggressive attacks on people but rather just what I felt at a given time.
And everyone has been hurt by it some degree and I can’t apologize for that. Even our closest friends have flaws or bad moments and I have never held back on them or myself. If anything I am hardest on myself most of all.
I guess I’m at a loss about what to do next. Part of me wonders if I should stop and say, “Screw it.” Part of me wonders if I should just create a new one and hide it from people in my life. And another part thinks I should just keep going and fuck the world. I just don’t know what to do.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Just So Everyone Knows
To you, I’m writing this to try and clear up something that I recently learned. I know that AJ sent you either a link to my blog or cut and pasted one of my posts. I know that it was about when you announced that you and Matt landed an agent. I haven’t read the post but know that I was annoyed when I wrote it. I still stand behind my words—I always do—but this doesn’t mean that I am jealous or upset over your successes as a writer. (This seems to be the rumor.) I just felt that on that evening you came by to brag and then left—that you didn’t come to be with your friends but just to show off. This is just my opinion from one moment in time. I think you know that I do respect you and I have always been honest about my faults as a person. I’m not perfect. But I have always come to you when I have had a real problem and tried to talk things over. I don’t know why AJ would do this except to make drama and using a journal—a collection of emotions that are constantly changing—seems unfair to all involved. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings and the things that are in my blog aren’t things I talk to people about because they’re just my own insights and a way to work them out. It’s just one perspective and no one else’s. I just hope that this hasn’t ruined any friendliness that we’re had. I’m not a fool—we’ll never be true friends for reasons that I don’t really understand. But I have always respected you as a writer and as a person. It may not seem that way but it’s true. I hope you can believe that. And at the end of the day this e-mail maybe a moot point. It’s not as if we were close and this is some defining moment in who we are to each other. I just wanted to clear the air because we have been so much in each other’s lives over the past ten years. And I respect that. Feel free to do this e-mail as you will. Send it around, make fun of it, ignore it. I am just trying to be a better person here for someone that deserves it. As always, Rory… PS. I know that people think that I am upset about not being invited to the screening party you had. I admit I was taken back by not being included which is why I asked around and how I came to hear about all of this. The truth was I couldn’t have gone anyways since I was working nightshift on the Bill Shatner show for Spike TV. Just so you know.
To you, I’m writing this to try and clear up something that I recently learned. I know that AJ sent you either a link to my blog or cut and pasted one of my posts. I know that it was about when you announced that you and Matt landed an agent. I haven’t read the post but know that I was annoyed when I wrote it. I still stand behind my words—I always do—but this doesn’t mean that I am jealous or upset over your successes as a writer. (This seems to be the rumor.) I just felt that on that evening you came by to brag and then left—that you didn’t come to be with your friends but just to show off. This is just my opinion from one moment in time. I think you know that I do respect you and I have always been honest about my faults as a person. I’m not perfect. But I have always come to you when I have had a real problem and tried to talk things over. I don’t know why AJ would do this except to make drama and using a journal—a collection of emotions that are constantly changing—seems unfair to all involved. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings and the things that are in my blog aren’t things I talk to people about because they’re just my own insights and a way to work them out. It’s just one perspective and no one else’s. I just hope that this hasn’t ruined any friendliness that we’re had. I’m not a fool—we’ll never be true friends for reasons that I don’t really understand. But I have always respected you as a writer and as a person. It may not seem that way but it’s true. I hope you can believe that. And at the end of the day this e-mail maybe a moot point. It’s not as if we were close and this is some defining moment in who we are to each other. I just wanted to clear the air because we have been so much in each other’s lives over the past ten years. And I respect that. Feel free to do this e-mail as you will. Send it around, make fun of it, ignore it. I am just trying to be a better person here for someone that deserves it. As always, Rory… PS. I know that people think that I am upset about not being invited to the screening party you had. I admit I was taken back by not being included which is why I asked around and how I came to hear about all of this. The truth was I couldn’t have gone anyways since I was working nightshift on the Bill Shatner show for Spike TV. Just so you know.
Monday Fun
So after walking to work—it the rain notch—in the only rain friendly jacket I had. It didn’t breath much and I was sweaty and wet as I got to work. I breezed in after fixing myself up and was greeting with a summons to the line producer’s office. And I was laid off. Just that simple. Audra tried to sweeten the blow but no luck. Rationally I understand what happened and knew it was coming down the line but still… I have never been fired or let go and so I was a little on edge. Everyone in the office was surprised because Audra didn’t tell anyone and were very nice about the whole. The fun part was walking back in the rain after all of this. But this allowed me time to distress and make a game plan. I have several job leads and saving so I’ll be fine but I just need to process everything. Good times roll on.
So after walking to work—it the rain notch—in the only rain friendly jacket I had. It didn’t breath much and I was sweaty and wet as I got to work. I breezed in after fixing myself up and was greeting with a summons to the line producer’s office. And I was laid off. Just that simple. Audra tried to sweeten the blow but no luck. Rationally I understand what happened and knew it was coming down the line but still… I have never been fired or let go and so I was a little on edge. Everyone in the office was surprised because Audra didn’t tell anyone and were very nice about the whole. The fun part was walking back in the rain after all of this. But this allowed me time to distress and make a game plan. I have several job leads and saving so I’ll be fine but I just need to process everything. Good times roll on.
Just So Everyone Knows...
To you,
I’m writing this to try and clear up something that I recently learned. I know that AJ sent you either a link to my blog or cut and pasted one of my posts. I know that it was about when you announced that you and Matt landed an agent.
I haven’t read the post but know that I was annoyed when I wrote it. I still stand behind my words—I always do—but this doesn’t mean that I am jealous or upset over your successes as a writer. (This seems to be the rumor.) I just felt that on that evening you came by to brag and then left—that you didn’t come to be with your friends but just to show off. This is just my opinion from one moment in time.
I think you know that I do respect you and I have always been honest about my faults as a person. I’m not perfect. But I have always come to you when I have had a real problem and tried to talk things over. I don’t know why AJ would do this except to make drama and using a journal—a collection of emotions that are constantly changing—seems unfair to all involved.
I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings and the things that are in my blog aren’t things I talk to people about because they’re just my own insights and a way to work them out. It’s just one perspective and no one else’s. I just hope that this hasn’t ruined any friendliness that we’re had.
I’m not a fool—we’ll never be true friends for reasons that I don’t really understand. But I have always respected you as a writer and as a person. It may not seem that way but it’s true. I hope you can believe that.
And at the end of the day this e-mail maybe a moot point. It’s not as if we were close and this is some defining moment in who we are to each other. I just wanted to clear the air because we have been so much in each other’s lives over the past ten years. And I respect that.
Feel free to do this e-mail as you will. Send it around, make fun of it, ignore it. I am just trying to be a better person here for someone that deserves it.
As always,
Rory…
PS. I know that people think that I am upset about not being invited to the screening party you had. I admit I was taken back by not being included which is why I asked around and how I came to hear about all of this. The truth was I couldn’t have gone anyways since I was working nightshift on the Bill Shatner show for Spike TV. Just so you know.
To you,
I’m writing this to try and clear up something that I recently learned. I know that AJ sent you either a link to my blog or cut and pasted one of my posts. I know that it was about when you announced that you and Matt landed an agent.
I haven’t read the post but know that I was annoyed when I wrote it. I still stand behind my words—I always do—but this doesn’t mean that I am jealous or upset over your successes as a writer. (This seems to be the rumor.) I just felt that on that evening you came by to brag and then left—that you didn’t come to be with your friends but just to show off. This is just my opinion from one moment in time.
I think you know that I do respect you and I have always been honest about my faults as a person. I’m not perfect. But I have always come to you when I have had a real problem and tried to talk things over. I don’t know why AJ would do this except to make drama and using a journal—a collection of emotions that are constantly changing—seems unfair to all involved.
I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings and the things that are in my blog aren’t things I talk to people about because they’re just my own insights and a way to work them out. It’s just one perspective and no one else’s. I just hope that this hasn’t ruined any friendliness that we’re had.
I’m not a fool—we’ll never be true friends for reasons that I don’t really understand. But I have always respected you as a writer and as a person. It may not seem that way but it’s true. I hope you can believe that.
And at the end of the day this e-mail maybe a moot point. It’s not as if we were close and this is some defining moment in who we are to each other. I just wanted to clear the air because we have been so much in each other’s lives over the past ten years. And I respect that.
Feel free to do this e-mail as you will. Send it around, make fun of it, ignore it. I am just trying to be a better person here for someone that deserves it.
As always,
Rory…
PS. I know that people think that I am upset about not being invited to the screening party you had. I admit I was taken back by not being included which is why I asked around and how I came to hear about all of this. The truth was I couldn’t have gone anyways since I was working nightshift on the Bill Shatner show for Spike TV. Just so you know.
Monday Fun
So after walking to work—it the rain notch—in the only rain friendly jacket I had. It didn’t breath much and I was sweaty and wet as I got to work. I breezed in after fixing myself up and was greeting with a summons to the line producer’s office.
And I was laid off. Just that simple. Audra tried to sweeten the blow but no luck. Rationally I understand what happened and knew it was coming down the line but still… I have never been fired or let go and so I was a little on edge. Everyone in the office was surprised because Audra didn’t tell anyone and were very nice about the whole.
The fun part was walking back in the rain after all of this. But this allowed me time to distress and make a game plan. I have several job leads and saving so I’ll be fine but I just need to process everything. Good times roll on.
So after walking to work—it the rain notch—in the only rain friendly jacket I had. It didn’t breath much and I was sweaty and wet as I got to work. I breezed in after fixing myself up and was greeting with a summons to the line producer’s office.
And I was laid off. Just that simple. Audra tried to sweeten the blow but no luck. Rationally I understand what happened and knew it was coming down the line but still… I have never been fired or let go and so I was a little on edge. Everyone in the office was surprised because Audra didn’t tell anyone and were very nice about the whole.
The fun part was walking back in the rain after all of this. But this allowed me time to distress and make a game plan. I have several job leads and saving so I’ll be fine but I just need to process everything. Good times roll on.
Monday, January 10, 2005
Saturday Fun
Saturday Fun. Well—still raining and the ark is getting built as we speak. It’s kind of fun to watch the city fall apart at the seems. No one wants to do anything at all—except partying in Pasedena. Some co-workers were throwing a kegger for Dax birthday and it is just as fun as it sounds. A random mix of OC kids, USC students and the girls they dug up. Kelly played games with all the boys, Valeska was too caked to do anything, JT was bored and Lizzie stewed in her own head. I was bored and dodging booze. (See Friday night for details.) It was just one of those nights that wouldn’t work at. We just weren’t feeling. After a while we dragged Kelly out and went back to the girls’ place. We ate and talked and stumbled into bed early—for us. So much fun—it hurts to write about it.
Saturday Fun. Well—still raining and the ark is getting built as we speak. It’s kind of fun to watch the city fall apart at the seems. No one wants to do anything at all—except partying in Pasedena. Some co-workers were throwing a kegger for Dax birthday and it is just as fun as it sounds. A random mix of OC kids, USC students and the girls they dug up. Kelly played games with all the boys, Valeska was too caked to do anything, JT was bored and Lizzie stewed in her own head. I was bored and dodging booze. (See Friday night for details.) It was just one of those nights that wouldn’t work at. We just weren’t feeling. After a while we dragged Kelly out and went back to the girls’ place. We ate and talked and stumbled into bed early—for us. So much fun—it hurts to write about it.
Friday Night—Where did you go?
I was expecting drama—2 tons of it to be exact. Instead I had fun. I think. The evening began with a nice walk in the rain to Lizzie and Kelly’s to meet up before the theater. It was slightly annoying but fun nonetheless. I love LA when it’s wet. The show, “Fellowship!”, was a parody of LOTR and very, very good. I would prefer to call it a loving tribute since most of my nerdy friends weren’t offended too much by the jokes it poked at the entire story. I would highly recommend the show to anyone who likes comedy and musicals. Good times. The show was followed up by dinner at Tokyo Delves. I think that this restaurant is the dividing line between my ‘fun’ friends and my ‘serious’ friends. It’s loud and funny and musical and bad karaoke—you dance on chairs and sing along with the waiters. Half sat stone-faced, above it all, shocked and disinterested. The other half, myself included, danced along with the waiters, chicken danced over our meals and just got into it. It was fun—for some of us. Drama still managed to loam over the night though—from seating arrangements and dinner orders. I wish that the people moved forward and just approached the people they have issues with. I guess that’s how I am—I will ask flat out for the truth and really want it. So when other people can’t do it—that annoys me. But dinner was still fun regardless. I was refusing to let anything hold me back. Which is how the sake bomb got in my way. Sake bombs are fun, crafty and sexy. It’s beer, a cup of sake and a whole ceremony leading to up to the drinking fun. It’s like an Irish car bomb with production values. And this is where the evening loses itself. I know I went back to Kelly and Lizzie’s and that Dax made me a drink or two. I know I left with Jennifer who dropped me of at my house. And that’s where the evening memory ends. Imagine when I woke the next morning, tired and hot—naked and buried under pillows. And an arm--my neighbor’s arm. That’s right people, in my drunken stupor I picked up neighbor from down the way. I felt like Meg Ryan in ‘When a Man Loves a Woman’; the one where’s she’s a drunk. At least he was cool about it. (I would make up a nickname but I don’t know his real one.) The best part was as I went in the kitchen to get water and realized that in my drunken state I went food shopping. Junk food shopping. Imagine every type possible—Mac and cheese, pizza bites, pop tarts, doughnuts. I guess junk food put me in the mood. And as I stared bewildered—neighbor came out and told me about how I picked him up. This is the part I’m kind of proud of. I walked right up to (name here) and said—‘you’re always watching me and I’m watching you. When are we going to screw and get it over with?” That was it—I just pulled him down to my place. He told me that I was aggressive and showed me a bite mark I left on him. He talked about how I broke my bookshelf and kept making out anyways. Then—here’s the kicker—as (insert name here) says, “Don’t worry—we didn’t do anything unsafe. Like screw.” He said this as Mrs. Garrett (the old maid roommate) walked in. Awkward moment. I haven’t spoken to her yet about it. I just hope she didn’t hear anything. And that’s all I know about my Friday. Good times my friends. Good times.
I was expecting drama—2 tons of it to be exact. Instead I had fun. I think. The evening began with a nice walk in the rain to Lizzie and Kelly’s to meet up before the theater. It was slightly annoying but fun nonetheless. I love LA when it’s wet. The show, “Fellowship!”, was a parody of LOTR and very, very good. I would prefer to call it a loving tribute since most of my nerdy friends weren’t offended too much by the jokes it poked at the entire story. I would highly recommend the show to anyone who likes comedy and musicals. Good times. The show was followed up by dinner at Tokyo Delves. I think that this restaurant is the dividing line between my ‘fun’ friends and my ‘serious’ friends. It’s loud and funny and musical and bad karaoke—you dance on chairs and sing along with the waiters. Half sat stone-faced, above it all, shocked and disinterested. The other half, myself included, danced along with the waiters, chicken danced over our meals and just got into it. It was fun—for some of us. Drama still managed to loam over the night though—from seating arrangements and dinner orders. I wish that the people moved forward and just approached the people they have issues with. I guess that’s how I am—I will ask flat out for the truth and really want it. So when other people can’t do it—that annoys me. But dinner was still fun regardless. I was refusing to let anything hold me back. Which is how the sake bomb got in my way. Sake bombs are fun, crafty and sexy. It’s beer, a cup of sake and a whole ceremony leading to up to the drinking fun. It’s like an Irish car bomb with production values. And this is where the evening loses itself. I know I went back to Kelly and Lizzie’s and that Dax made me a drink or two. I know I left with Jennifer who dropped me of at my house. And that’s where the evening memory ends. Imagine when I woke the next morning, tired and hot—naked and buried under pillows. And an arm--my neighbor’s arm. That’s right people, in my drunken stupor I picked up neighbor from down the way. I felt like Meg Ryan in ‘When a Man Loves a Woman’; the one where’s she’s a drunk. At least he was cool about it. (I would make up a nickname but I don’t know his real one.) The best part was as I went in the kitchen to get water and realized that in my drunken state I went food shopping. Junk food shopping. Imagine every type possible—Mac and cheese, pizza bites, pop tarts, doughnuts. I guess junk food put me in the mood. And as I stared bewildered—neighbor came out and told me about how I picked him up. This is the part I’m kind of proud of. I walked right up to (name here) and said—‘you’re always watching me and I’m watching you. When are we going to screw and get it over with?” That was it—I just pulled him down to my place. He told me that I was aggressive and showed me a bite mark I left on him. He talked about how I broke my bookshelf and kept making out anyways. Then—here’s the kicker—as (insert name here) says, “Don’t worry—we didn’t do anything unsafe. Like screw.” He said this as Mrs. Garrett (the old maid roommate) walked in. Awkward moment. I haven’t spoken to her yet about it. I just hope she didn’t hear anything. And that’s all I know about my Friday. Good times my friends. Good times.
Sunday, January 09, 2005
Saturday Fun.
Well—still raining and the ark is getting built as we speak. It’s kind of fun to watch the city fall apart at the seems. No one wants to do anything at all—except partying in Pasedena.
Some co-workers were throwing a kegger for Dax birthday and it is just as fun as it sounds. A random mix of OC kids, USC students and the girls they dug up. Kelly played games with all the boys, Valeska was too caked to do anything, JT was bored and Lizzie stewed in her own head. I was bored and dodging booze. (See Friday night for details.)
It was just one of those nights that wouldn’t work at. We just weren’t feeling. After a while we dragged Kelly out and went back to the girls’ place. We ate and talked and stumbled into bed early—for us.
So much fun—it hurts to write about it.
Well—still raining and the ark is getting built as we speak. It’s kind of fun to watch the city fall apart at the seems. No one wants to do anything at all—except partying in Pasedena.
Some co-workers were throwing a kegger for Dax birthday and it is just as fun as it sounds. A random mix of OC kids, USC students and the girls they dug up. Kelly played games with all the boys, Valeska was too caked to do anything, JT was bored and Lizzie stewed in her own head. I was bored and dodging booze. (See Friday night for details.)
It was just one of those nights that wouldn’t work at. We just weren’t feeling. After a while we dragged Kelly out and went back to the girls’ place. We ate and talked and stumbled into bed early—for us.
So much fun—it hurts to write about it.
Friday Night—Where did you go?
I was expecting drama—2 tons of it to be exact. Instead I had fun. I think. The evening began with a nice walk in the rain to Lizzie and Kelly’s to meet up before the theater. It was slightly annoying but fun nonetheless. I love LA when it’s wet.
The show, “Fellowship!”, was a parody of LOTR and very, very good. I would prefer to call it a loving tribute since most of my nerdy friends weren’t offended too much by the jokes it poked at the entire story. I would highly recommend the show to anyone who likes comedy and musicals. Good times.
The show was followed up by dinner at Tokyo Delves. I think that this restaurant is the dividing line between my ‘fun’ friends and my ‘serious’ friends. It’s loud and funny and musical and bad karaoke—you dance on chairs and sing along with the waiters. Half sat stone-faced, above it all, shocked and disinterested. The other half, myself included, danced along with the waiters, chicken danced over our meals and just got into it. It was fun—for some of us.
Drama still managed to loam over the night though—from seating arrangements and dinner orders. I wish that the people moved forward and just approached the people they have issues with. I guess that’s how I am—I will ask flat out for the truth and really want it. So when other people can’t do it—that annoys me.
But dinner was still fun regardless. I was refusing to let anything hold me back. Which is how the sake bomb got in my way. Sake bombs are fun, crafty and sexy. It’s beer, a cup of sake and a whole ceremony leading to up to the drinking fun. It’s like an Irish car bomb with production values.
And this is where the evening loses itself. I know I went back to Kelly and Lizzie’s and that Dax made me a drink or two. I know I left with Jennifer who dropped me of at my house. And that’s where the evening memory ends.
Imagine when I woke the next morning, tired and hot—naked and buried under pillows. And an arm--my neighbor’s arm. That’s right people, in my drunken stupor I picked up neighbor from down the way. I felt like Meg Ryan in ‘When a Man Loves a Woman’; the one where’s she’s a drunk. At least he was cool about it. (I would make up a nickname but I don’t know his real one.)
The best part was as I went in the kitchen to get water and realized that in my drunken state I went food shopping. Junk food shopping. Imagine every type possible—Mac and cheese, pizza bites, pop tarts, doughnuts. I guess junk food put me in the mood. And as I stared bewildered—neighbor came out and told me about how I picked him up. This is the part I’m kind of proud of.
I walked right up to (name here) and said—‘you’re always watching me and I’m watching you. When are we going to screw and get it over with?” That was it—I just pulled him down to my place. He told me that I was aggressive and showed me a bite mark I left on him. He talked about how I broke my bookshelf and kept making out anyways. Then—here’s the kicker—as (insert name here) says, “Don’t worry—we didn’t do anything unsafe. Like screw.” He said this as Mrs. Garrett (the old maid roommate) walked in. Awkward moment. I haven’t spoken to her yet about it. I just hope she didn’t hear anything.
And that’s all I know about my Friday. Good times my friends. Good times.
I was expecting drama—2 tons of it to be exact. Instead I had fun. I think. The evening began with a nice walk in the rain to Lizzie and Kelly’s to meet up before the theater. It was slightly annoying but fun nonetheless. I love LA when it’s wet.
The show, “Fellowship!”, was a parody of LOTR and very, very good. I would prefer to call it a loving tribute since most of my nerdy friends weren’t offended too much by the jokes it poked at the entire story. I would highly recommend the show to anyone who likes comedy and musicals. Good times.
The show was followed up by dinner at Tokyo Delves. I think that this restaurant is the dividing line between my ‘fun’ friends and my ‘serious’ friends. It’s loud and funny and musical and bad karaoke—you dance on chairs and sing along with the waiters. Half sat stone-faced, above it all, shocked and disinterested. The other half, myself included, danced along with the waiters, chicken danced over our meals and just got into it. It was fun—for some of us.
Drama still managed to loam over the night though—from seating arrangements and dinner orders. I wish that the people moved forward and just approached the people they have issues with. I guess that’s how I am—I will ask flat out for the truth and really want it. So when other people can’t do it—that annoys me.
But dinner was still fun regardless. I was refusing to let anything hold me back. Which is how the sake bomb got in my way. Sake bombs are fun, crafty and sexy. It’s beer, a cup of sake and a whole ceremony leading to up to the drinking fun. It’s like an Irish car bomb with production values.
And this is where the evening loses itself. I know I went back to Kelly and Lizzie’s and that Dax made me a drink or two. I know I left with Jennifer who dropped me of at my house. And that’s where the evening memory ends.
Imagine when I woke the next morning, tired and hot—naked and buried under pillows. And an arm--my neighbor’s arm. That’s right people, in my drunken stupor I picked up neighbor from down the way. I felt like Meg Ryan in ‘When a Man Loves a Woman’; the one where’s she’s a drunk. At least he was cool about it. (I would make up a nickname but I don’t know his real one.)
The best part was as I went in the kitchen to get water and realized that in my drunken state I went food shopping. Junk food shopping. Imagine every type possible—Mac and cheese, pizza bites, pop tarts, doughnuts. I guess junk food put me in the mood. And as I stared bewildered—neighbor came out and told me about how I picked him up. This is the part I’m kind of proud of.
I walked right up to (name here) and said—‘you’re always watching me and I’m watching you. When are we going to screw and get it over with?” That was it—I just pulled him down to my place. He told me that I was aggressive and showed me a bite mark I left on him. He talked about how I broke my bookshelf and kept making out anyways. Then—here’s the kicker—as (insert name here) says, “Don’t worry—we didn’t do anything unsafe. Like screw.” He said this as Mrs. Garrett (the old maid roommate) walked in. Awkward moment. I haven’t spoken to her yet about it. I just hope she didn’t hear anything.
And that’s all I know about my Friday. Good times my friends. Good times.
Friday, January 07, 2005
Why I Like the Nightshift
It’s drama free. I don’t see many people and it takes effort so I don’t see just anyone. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that my Friday night would have more drama then a Melrose place rerun. I was hoping for a fun night of theatre and dinner with some drinking. Casual, cute, low key and out of my rut. Of course even the best-laid plans go awry. The thing that sucks is that I did mess up a bit but am getting blamed for more than my share of drama. Someone is lying and it ain’t me. And now I will have to fix everything. I will have to own what I said and probably go into issues I don’t want to. I will have to do damage control. But I am not going to lie about anything—that’s not my style. Wish me luck people.
It’s drama free. I don’t see many people and it takes effort so I don’t see just anyone. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that my Friday night would have more drama then a Melrose place rerun. I was hoping for a fun night of theatre and dinner with some drinking. Casual, cute, low key and out of my rut. Of course even the best-laid plans go awry. The thing that sucks is that I did mess up a bit but am getting blamed for more than my share of drama. Someone is lying and it ain’t me. And now I will have to fix everything. I will have to own what I said and probably go into issues I don’t want to. I will have to do damage control. But I am not going to lie about anything—that’s not my style. Wish me luck people.
Why I Like the Nightshift
It’s drama free. I don’t see many people and it takes effort so I don’t see just anyone. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that my Friday night would have more drama then a Melrose place rerun.
I was hoping for a fun night of theatre and dinner with some drinking. Casual, cute, low key and out of my rut. Of course even the best-laid plans go awry. The thing that sucks is that I did mess up a bit but am getting blamed for more than my share of drama. Someone is lying and it ain’t me. And now I will have to fix everything.
I will have to own what I said and probably go into issues I don’t want to. I will have to do damage control. But I am not going to lie about anything—that’s not my style. Wish me luck people.
It’s drama free. I don’t see many people and it takes effort so I don’t see just anyone. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that my Friday night would have more drama then a Melrose place rerun.
I was hoping for a fun night of theatre and dinner with some drinking. Casual, cute, low key and out of my rut. Of course even the best-laid plans go awry. The thing that sucks is that I did mess up a bit but am getting blamed for more than my share of drama. Someone is lying and it ain’t me. And now I will have to fix everything.
I will have to own what I said and probably go into issues I don’t want to. I will have to do damage control. But I am not going to lie about anything—that’s not my style. Wish me luck people.
Thursday, January 06, 2005
Random Roriness
So today I feel like a cactus—every so often I just feel like a strange object—sometimes wind chimes or a blimp or even a teddy bear. I don’t know why these feelings pop into my head or even the point of them. They just are. It’s not like I want to be prickly or untouchable but I just feel green and hard and a little bit sharp. There’s not real thought behind this either. Work has been better with story work to do though I have been making steps for the next job. Updating resumes and debating whom I am allowed to send them to. That kind of stuff. I have been somewhat relishing the idea of not working for a bit—getting back to writing for myself and starting on some new projects. The advice column, a new script idea and some random non-fiction pieces have been brewing in my head for a bit. The financial picture is a little bleak without work but I can get by well enough. But right now I’m a cactus. Potted, thirsty and very fine in desert climates. Hopefully the rain will let up for a bit. That or I will start feeling like a duck. Quack.
So today I feel like a cactus—every so often I just feel like a strange object—sometimes wind chimes or a blimp or even a teddy bear. I don’t know why these feelings pop into my head or even the point of them. They just are. It’s not like I want to be prickly or untouchable but I just feel green and hard and a little bit sharp. There’s not real thought behind this either. Work has been better with story work to do though I have been making steps for the next job. Updating resumes and debating whom I am allowed to send them to. That kind of stuff. I have been somewhat relishing the idea of not working for a bit—getting back to writing for myself and starting on some new projects. The advice column, a new script idea and some random non-fiction pieces have been brewing in my head for a bit. The financial picture is a little bleak without work but I can get by well enough. But right now I’m a cactus. Potted, thirsty and very fine in desert climates. Hopefully the rain will let up for a bit. That or I will start feeling like a duck. Quack.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Random Roriness
So today I feel like a cactus—every so often I just feel like a strange object—sometimes wind chimes or a blimp or even a teddy bear. I don’t know why these feelings pop into my head or even the point of them. They just are.
It’s not like I want to be prickly or untouchable but I just feel green and hard and a little bit sharp. There’s not real thought behind this either. Work has been better with story work to do though I have been making steps for the next job. Updating resumes and debating whom I am allowed to send them to. That kind of stuff.
I have been somewhat relishing the idea of not working for a bit—getting back to writing for myself and starting on some new projects. The advice column, a new script idea and some random non-fiction pieces have been brewing in my head for a bit. The financial picture is a little bleak without work but I can get by well enough.
But right now I’m a cactus. Potted, thirsty and very fine in desert climates. Hopefully the rain will let up for a bit. That or I will start feeling like a duck. Quack.
So today I feel like a cactus—every so often I just feel like a strange object—sometimes wind chimes or a blimp or even a teddy bear. I don’t know why these feelings pop into my head or even the point of them. They just are.
It’s not like I want to be prickly or untouchable but I just feel green and hard and a little bit sharp. There’s not real thought behind this either. Work has been better with story work to do though I have been making steps for the next job. Updating resumes and debating whom I am allowed to send them to. That kind of stuff.
I have been somewhat relishing the idea of not working for a bit—getting back to writing for myself and starting on some new projects. The advice column, a new script idea and some random non-fiction pieces have been brewing in my head for a bit. The financial picture is a little bleak without work but I can get by well enough.
But right now I’m a cactus. Potted, thirsty and very fine in desert climates. Hopefully the rain will let up for a bit. That or I will start feeling like a duck. Quack.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Weird Thoughts Run
You Know Who You Are… It’s weird. I have a strange sense of a foreboding. Not like something bad particular is going to happen to me. It’s slightly untouchable, unknown and yet I feel it coming. Maybe it’s working the nightshift or the wine—something just seems to be creeping around in my head. I wish I could say it was just me. Then I could get over it—I accept that sometimes I’m crazy, that I’m too hard on myself and then one day I wake up and I’m fine again. But it’s not just me; it feels like it’s all of us. I once asked my mother about the divorce, when she knew it was time. It was when the fighting stopped, the passion to want my father’s attention was replaced by indifference. And I feel like that is what is starting with my friends as of late. The unspoken tension, the unwillingness to try and fix things, the lack of acknowledgement for our problems. And no one wants to fix them. We stopped caring about each other, we don’t care and some of us are just leaving the party. And it makes me sad. It makes me sad that people are going instead of wanting to fix things, that they have stopped caring about each other and it makes me wonder if we ever did really care. It reminds me of when Ty and Kelly broke up and Rosanna told me that the four of us were never really friends at all—just friendly. And part of me needs to believe that the ones who have left are happy. That people aren’t pulling all but going towards something better. That maybe we are just finding something better for ourselves. But I can’t help wondering how real those friendships were if they are so disposable. And I miss them.
You Know Who You Are… It’s weird. I have a strange sense of a foreboding. Not like something bad particular is going to happen to me. It’s slightly untouchable, unknown and yet I feel it coming. Maybe it’s working the nightshift or the wine—something just seems to be creeping around in my head. I wish I could say it was just me. Then I could get over it—I accept that sometimes I’m crazy, that I’m too hard on myself and then one day I wake up and I’m fine again. But it’s not just me; it feels like it’s all of us. I once asked my mother about the divorce, when she knew it was time. It was when the fighting stopped, the passion to want my father’s attention was replaced by indifference. And I feel like that is what is starting with my friends as of late. The unspoken tension, the unwillingness to try and fix things, the lack of acknowledgement for our problems. And no one wants to fix them. We stopped caring about each other, we don’t care and some of us are just leaving the party. And it makes me sad. It makes me sad that people are going instead of wanting to fix things, that they have stopped caring about each other and it makes me wonder if we ever did really care. It reminds me of when Ty and Kelly broke up and Rosanna told me that the four of us were never really friends at all—just friendly. And part of me needs to believe that the ones who have left are happy. That people aren’t pulling all but going towards something better. That maybe we are just finding something better for ourselves. But I can’t help wondering how real those friendships were if they are so disposable. And I miss them.
You Know Who You Are…
It’s weird. I have a strange sense of a foreboding. Not like something bad particular is going to happen to me. It’s slightly untouchable, unknown and yet I feel it coming. Maybe it’s working the nightshift or the wine—something just seems to be creeping around in my head.
I wish I could say it was just me. Then I could get over it—I accept that sometimes I’m crazy, that I’m too hard on myself and then one day I wake up and I’m fine again. But it’s not just me; it feels like it’s all of us.
I once asked my mother about the divorce, when she knew it was time. It was when the fighting stopped, the passion to want my father’s attention was replaced by indifference. And I feel like that is what is starting with my friends as of late.
The unspoken tension, the unwillingness to try and fix things, the lack of acknowledgement for our problems. And no one wants to fix them. We stopped caring about each other, we don’t care and some of us are just leaving the party. And it makes me sad.
It makes me sad that people are going instead of wanting to fix things, that they have stopped caring about each other and it makes me wonder if we ever did really care. It reminds me of when Ty and Kelly broke up and Rosanna told me that the four of us were never really friends at all—just friendly.
And part of me needs to believe that the ones who have left are happy. That people aren’t pulling all but going towards something better. That maybe we are just finding something better for ourselves. But I can’t help wondering how real those friendships were if they are so disposable. And I miss them.
It’s weird. I have a strange sense of a foreboding. Not like something bad particular is going to happen to me. It’s slightly untouchable, unknown and yet I feel it coming. Maybe it’s working the nightshift or the wine—something just seems to be creeping around in my head.
I wish I could say it was just me. Then I could get over it—I accept that sometimes I’m crazy, that I’m too hard on myself and then one day I wake up and I’m fine again. But it’s not just me; it feels like it’s all of us.
I once asked my mother about the divorce, when she knew it was time. It was when the fighting stopped, the passion to want my father’s attention was replaced by indifference. And I feel like that is what is starting with my friends as of late.
The unspoken tension, the unwillingness to try and fix things, the lack of acknowledgement for our problems. And no one wants to fix them. We stopped caring about each other, we don’t care and some of us are just leaving the party. And it makes me sad.
It makes me sad that people are going instead of wanting to fix things, that they have stopped caring about each other and it makes me wonder if we ever did really care. It reminds me of when Ty and Kelly broke up and Rosanna told me that the four of us were never really friends at all—just friendly.
And part of me needs to believe that the ones who have left are happy. That people aren’t pulling all but going towards something better. That maybe we are just finding something better for ourselves. But I can’t help wondering how real those friendships were if they are so disposable. And I miss them.
Monday, January 03, 2005
Sunday, January 02, 2005
Quote of 2004
And while there were quite a few runner's up--the winner was easy... My darling Lucy wrote this in blog and it just stuck in my head...
"I want him to take off his glasses and treat me bad in bed, and then put them back on and be nice to me."
Good job Lucy!!! And keep up the good work!
And while there were quite a few runner's up--the winner was easy... My darling Lucy wrote this in blog and it just stuck in my head...
"I want him to take off his glasses and treat me bad in bed, and then put them back on and be nice to me."
Good job Lucy!!! And keep up the good work!
Out with the Old—In with the Same?
New Years at the boys’ house—the standard by which all my New Year’s in LA have been lived by. People played their parts, as always, there was sex, drama, bad dancing and gossip galore. I had fun, got a little drunk and looked cute—I think. I wished I had been more into the night’s fun. Up until an hour before I hadn’t really decided what I wanted to do. I had various options for the evening—party hopping with Ruby, going to BB with Valeska and Kelly then the boys’, going to the Derby with Lizzie, Art, Jennifer and handful of other people. I just couldn’t decide what to do. I know that I am in a slight rut, hanging with the same people and doing the same things all the time—the same bar, the same parties, the same people for coffee and dinners. It doesn’t really bother me that much—I love my friends and it is usually a good time. I guess what is bothering me; as of late is the growing divide in my friends and in my life. It’s not one particular thing or set of events—it’s just that as we grow older I am beginning to see how the split is going. It’s couples versus singles, the successful versus the non, the people who want ‘it’ and the people who don’t. This normally wouldn’t bother too much—I want my friends to have their successes, their joys, but what I am starting to realize is that I don’t know where I am going in all of this. I know what I want for the most part—a career as a writer (which I think I have started), to be creatively growing (which I have been doing), and to try and find the right guy to settle with and start a family. But what I am becoming more aware of is that it is not going to happen with my current situation. I will not meet the right guy in this group—that I am the token (for the most part) and that if I really want to settle down then I need to at least start and look. Going to straight bars or hanging with the same people isn’t going to help and I need to branch out. The problem is that I don’t do this well solo. At the end of the day, I’m a shy guy, I don’t have any gay friends at all and a work/financial/transportation issue that gets it the way. In order to move forward—something has to change. And it’s going to be hard. The biggest problem in all of this is I don’t know how to ask for help, or have the right people to help me—in some cases. I just am growing worried that as we continue to become entrenched in the lifestyles that we have that I will be the last one standing. That I will be alone and without the guy because I chose to stay within the comfort zone. And I’m not sure what to do about. I guess I have to make a plan but this is all back burner with my night job and lack of means to travel. These are things I am working on. Slowly though.
New Years at the boys’ house—the standard by which all my New Year’s in LA have been lived by. People played their parts, as always, there was sex, drama, bad dancing and gossip galore. I had fun, got a little drunk and looked cute—I think. I wished I had been more into the night’s fun. Up until an hour before I hadn’t really decided what I wanted to do. I had various options for the evening—party hopping with Ruby, going to BB with Valeska and Kelly then the boys’, going to the Derby with Lizzie, Art, Jennifer and handful of other people. I just couldn’t decide what to do. I know that I am in a slight rut, hanging with the same people and doing the same things all the time—the same bar, the same parties, the same people for coffee and dinners. It doesn’t really bother me that much—I love my friends and it is usually a good time. I guess what is bothering me; as of late is the growing divide in my friends and in my life. It’s not one particular thing or set of events—it’s just that as we grow older I am beginning to see how the split is going. It’s couples versus singles, the successful versus the non, the people who want ‘it’ and the people who don’t. This normally wouldn’t bother too much—I want my friends to have their successes, their joys, but what I am starting to realize is that I don’t know where I am going in all of this. I know what I want for the most part—a career as a writer (which I think I have started), to be creatively growing (which I have been doing), and to try and find the right guy to settle with and start a family. But what I am becoming more aware of is that it is not going to happen with my current situation. I will not meet the right guy in this group—that I am the token (for the most part) and that if I really want to settle down then I need to at least start and look. Going to straight bars or hanging with the same people isn’t going to help and I need to branch out. The problem is that I don’t do this well solo. At the end of the day, I’m a shy guy, I don’t have any gay friends at all and a work/financial/transportation issue that gets it the way. In order to move forward—something has to change. And it’s going to be hard. The biggest problem in all of this is I don’t know how to ask for help, or have the right people to help me—in some cases. I just am growing worried that as we continue to become entrenched in the lifestyles that we have that I will be the last one standing. That I will be alone and without the guy because I chose to stay within the comfort zone. And I’m not sure what to do about. I guess I have to make a plan but this is all back burner with my night job and lack of means to travel. These are things I am working on. Slowly though.
Quote of 2004
And while there were quite a few runner's up--the winner was easy... My darling Lucy wrote this in blog and it just stuck in my head...
"I want him to take off his glasses and treat me bad in bed, and then put them back on and be nice to me."
Good job Lucy!!! And keep up the good work!
And while there were quite a few runner's up--the winner was easy... My darling Lucy wrote this in blog and it just stuck in my head...
"I want him to take off his glasses and treat me bad in bed, and then put them back on and be nice to me."
Good job Lucy!!! And keep up the good work!
Out with the Old—In with the Same?
New Years at the boys’ house—the standard by which all my New Year’s in LA have been lived by. People played their parts, as always, there was sex, drama, bad dancing and gossip galore. I had fun, got a little drunk and looked cute—I think. I wished I had been more into the night’s fun.
Up until an hour before I hadn’t really decided what I wanted to do. I had various options for the evening—party hopping with Ruby, going to BB with Valeska and Kelly then the boys’, going to the Derby with Lizzie, Art, Jennifer and handful of other people. I just couldn’t decide what to do.
I know that I am in a slight rut, hanging with the same people and doing the same things all the time—the same bar, the same parties, the same people for coffee and dinners. It doesn’t really bother me that much—I love my friends and it is usually a good time.
I guess what is bothering me; as of late is the growing divide in my friends and in my life. It’s not one particular thing or set of events—it’s just that as we grow older I am beginning to see how the split is going. It’s couples versus singles, the successful versus the non, the people who want ‘it’ and the people who don’t.
This normally wouldn’t bother too much—I want my friends to have their successes, their joys, but what I am starting to realize is that I don’t know where I am going in all of this. I know what I want for the most part—a career as a writer (which I think I have started), to be creatively growing (which I have been doing), and to try and find the right guy to settle with and start a family.
But what I am becoming more aware of is that it is not going to happen with my current situation. I will not meet the right guy in this group—that I am the token (for the most part) and that if I really want to settle down then I need to at least start and look. Going to straight bars or hanging with the same people isn’t going to help and I need to branch out.
The problem is that I don’t do this well solo. At the end of the day, I’m a shy guy, I don’t have any gay friends at all and a work/financial/transportation issue that gets it the way. In order to move forward—something has to change. And it’s going to be hard.
The biggest problem in all of this is I don’t know how to ask for help, or have the right people to help me—in some cases. I just am growing worried that as we continue to become entrenched in the lifestyles that we have that I will be the last one standing. That I will be alone and without the guy because I chose to stay within the comfort zone. And I’m not sure what to do about.
I guess I have to make a plan but this is all back burner with my night job and lack of means to travel. These are things I am working on. Slowly though.
New Years at the boys’ house—the standard by which all my New Year’s in LA have been lived by. People played their parts, as always, there was sex, drama, bad dancing and gossip galore. I had fun, got a little drunk and looked cute—I think. I wished I had been more into the night’s fun.
Up until an hour before I hadn’t really decided what I wanted to do. I had various options for the evening—party hopping with Ruby, going to BB with Valeska and Kelly then the boys’, going to the Derby with Lizzie, Art, Jennifer and handful of other people. I just couldn’t decide what to do.
I know that I am in a slight rut, hanging with the same people and doing the same things all the time—the same bar, the same parties, the same people for coffee and dinners. It doesn’t really bother me that much—I love my friends and it is usually a good time.
I guess what is bothering me; as of late is the growing divide in my friends and in my life. It’s not one particular thing or set of events—it’s just that as we grow older I am beginning to see how the split is going. It’s couples versus singles, the successful versus the non, the people who want ‘it’ and the people who don’t.
This normally wouldn’t bother too much—I want my friends to have their successes, their joys, but what I am starting to realize is that I don’t know where I am going in all of this. I know what I want for the most part—a career as a writer (which I think I have started), to be creatively growing (which I have been doing), and to try and find the right guy to settle with and start a family.
But what I am becoming more aware of is that it is not going to happen with my current situation. I will not meet the right guy in this group—that I am the token (for the most part) and that if I really want to settle down then I need to at least start and look. Going to straight bars or hanging with the same people isn’t going to help and I need to branch out.
The problem is that I don’t do this well solo. At the end of the day, I’m a shy guy, I don’t have any gay friends at all and a work/financial/transportation issue that gets it the way. In order to move forward—something has to change. And it’s going to be hard.
The biggest problem in all of this is I don’t know how to ask for help, or have the right people to help me—in some cases. I just am growing worried that as we continue to become entrenched in the lifestyles that we have that I will be the last one standing. That I will be alone and without the guy because I chose to stay within the comfort zone. And I’m not sure what to do about.
I guess I have to make a plan but this is all back burner with my night job and lack of means to travel. These are things I am working on. Slowly though.
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