I Don’t Hate LA But…

I have never hated LA. In a way LA has always made sense to me—you have to work really hard to make it really pretty. It’s just that simple. The problem is I don’t know what I am working for.

I look at my life in LA and just see so much lacking. No romantic prospects to see, a career track that isn’t really what I want, the inabilty to write anything meaningful and just a lack of hope of anything changing soon.

And this is not a rant against the city—I am aware of the choices that I have made and will continue to make if I stay here. Part of my life in this city is so easy. A large group of people to spend time with, jobs being offered without (looking in some cases) and even a cheap apartment to boot. And it is hard to walk away from that for the unknown.

But part of me is starting to wonder what I’m gaining by living this way, doing the same things and not making any real change. Maybe it would be better to jump feet first into the unknown, to try and see what I can make if I have no other choices. I know I am a strong person and have survived lot to get here—wherever that is.

And yet part of me is tired of having to try so hard. I don’t want to struggle anymore, to keep pushing, to keep fighting. Part of me just wants something simple. And yet even when I have it—this way—it is not enough. And I worry that it might never be enough ever. That’s what holds me back the most.