The End Of the Boy?

So the wrap party came and rocked my world. Drinking, dancing, smoking, being slutty. Just trying to have as much fun as I can… Kelly, Lizzie, Dax, Darryl, Victoria and Bess all came to the lot and rocked out with the crew and houseguests of Big Brother 5.

I was surprised by how much I cut loose. Dancing with producers, slamming drinks with Nakomis, running rampant with David and Michelle as we taunted the few hgs that needed it. And waiting to take a chance on Chance….

It wasn’t until the after party that I had any time to talk with the boy. I made my move outside, on the porch swing, in my usual passive aggressive way. I talked to him about all the rumors going around about us and owned up to a slight crush. He said nothing to help me out but cuddled on the swing. I felt like I was digging a ditch and just not getting any feedback.

But as he leaned into me I realized how much I wanted this and how scared I am of that exact thing. He got me my beers, smelled my arm and let me pet his Mohawk. We just danced around issues and flirted and talked—till Steven arrived.

Steven was on the show with us—older, browner than George Hamilton and skinny than a cigarette—buys clothing from “International Male” type gay. He is perky and funny and slow on the scene. He asked if I was gay—which is shocking given who I am and he worked with me for three months. So Steven is not the brightest guy in the world.

And this is the guy who just inserted himself into me and Chance for the rest of the night. I mean, in everyway possible. He stood there and just talked, and smoked, and followed us in for drinks. And I was losing it inside.

But I thought I could get around it because I would stay as long as I needed to. Imagine when I realized that Steven had come to the after party with Chance. Not in a romantic way but in a—I need a ride, too drunk to talk—way. So the rest of the night was very “Elmidate”, “Third Wheel” as I tried to not get pissed.

I still managed to have fun the rest of the night just hanging with the boy…and Steven. As the sun came up—that type of party—Chance made to leave and I walked with him and Steve out to the car. As we stood there waiting—Steven finally realized to get in the car—Chance and I hugged and he mumbled something in my shoulder.

Took me a couple of hours to figure what he said… And I keep that in my mind when I think of him. And now I have to figure out what to do about Chance—though he is coming to Lizzie and Kelly’s house warming party… We’re not done yet but I have to decide how much of my heart is on the table.