Day One of Introspection

So I have decided today to get back to basics. No tv, no music, no cute outfits or multiple phone calls to create plans in my unemployment. A day of little more than some writing, coffee, sun and Marlboro Lights.

I guess I need to figure out my head again. To take time and try to figure out what works about my life, what is good, bad, indifferent or impossible. It seems that some things are out of stock while others are multiplying like bad Christmas themed returns. And so I try in the quiet to get myself together.

I do have an idea of how my life works—it would be depressing if I didn’t but I am too self aware for that. Too self aware for a lot of things. I have tried dividing my life into various columns and am doing equations like mad. Though there seem to be a lot of things in prentices and have forgotten how one handles those.

I try not to stare at my dinning curtains and wonder how they would look with mauve; I try not to think about how I should have been with Nick at the hockey game two days ago. I try not to think about the PADWAD project or Billie’s demand for a submission to her show. I am trying to push out all the back stock out of the warehouse while remembering what I used to sell.

It’s all about fears and relationships and things I should do versus the things I have done. The questions about art, love, friendships and money. It’s about needing to figure out how in debt I am—emotionally more than physically. It’s about knowing my body’s worth, my heart’s availability and how to finally get over my fear of success-failure-expose.

It’s about figuring out what these walls are built off. I used to think they were glass but I know better now. It’s about why they are there and what purpose do they serve. It’s about getting over my desire to be compacted and needed and open and mysterious. (As if.) It’s about pulling down my sleeve and hiding my heart for a little bit. It’s about getting a longer shirt to hide that tattoo of heart I have showing over the happy trail.

Be warned peoples. Things may get ugly. The card list may be shortened. Some may be enlisted and some might not make it past auditions. And these are threats but steps to make towards something more true. It is amazing to realize how off the path I have gotten. And while the view is pretty… You can’t spend all your time staring off into the distance. Because eventually the cliff will weather away and drop you right into the ocean.