Book Whore

Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
I read this book years ago back during my Russian novelist phase while still in high school so I knew what would happen but forgot the details. So much of this book is about idealogy and the importance of the induvidual over the mass but also tries to pay respect to what the revolutions were really about,



But what makes this book stand out for me so much is how it seeems to capture the life of a country in such unsettled times. Characters come and go, the smallest details play in such huge ways when the society is pulled apart and the way people think, feel, and decide is so small and yet so understandable.



And of course Yuri and Lara's love story is still as passionate and hectic and uncertain as always. This is one of the few elationships in literature that I understand--foilables and all.


View all my reviews.

Random Music Memory

This is one of my favorite memories of college and possibly the best of me and Little Steve. Beattles are much adored--but none more for me than this song.

Quotes of the Weekend

From Kelly and Valeska's Jimmy Buffet themed party

Valeksa "Then I slurred out of my face...."

Gabe "So I think we shouldn't call 911 when he falls off the unicycle." Kelly laughs--"Wait, what?"

Gabe "I think he got confused and thought it was the jimmy buffet (buffay) as opposed to a Jimmy Buffet themed party. Cause that explains all the men he brought for Valeska."

Vivian "I've got to go. I just had 4 jello shots and want some more. But I have to run a 5k in the morning."

Joy "Well Hitler likes barbaques. (silence) Oh no."

Kelly "What do you with 50 pounds of sand?" Johnno "Make the world's biggest litter box?"

Gabe "They're 'dudes'. It's confusing cause we don't normally party with 'dudes'. But in an hour they'll be douchebags and it will be fine. Used to that."

Winnie "So there I was on a date in the woods right off the highway." Nick "In our community we consider that a sex trade."

Gabe "Oh--my head hurts." Valeska "That's what happens when you flamingo-bong a marguirita." Gabe "But it STILL hurts."

Henry "You have a boyfriend?" Gabe "He's right over there." Henry looks and then back confused. Gabe "He's not imaginary, he's on the other side of your wife." Herny "Oh. That's good to know."

Johnno "That kid can't STOP showing his tits!" RE: the 6 year old covered in beads.

How I Sleep

The weekends when we can stay together are the best. It's you and me in a full bed, arms over shoulders, hips attached to hips, fingers intertwined. Of course at some point we separate to the outer edges of the mattress but we always hook our feet into each others’--something always touching.

And in the brief lulls between the radio alarms, the struggle to stir and start the day, you sometimes roll into my back, your head against the slope of my neck as your arms encase me. I feel the little, light flutters of your eyelashes against the sensitive skin and I wonder what you're dreaming. Because I dream about you all the time.

My mind seems set on putting you in all the places of my life you weren't apart of. Suddenly you are with me in a tree in Boston as we watch Edie and Skylar play Frisbee on the edge of the Charles River, other times it's me at a party at Lizzie and Kelly's apartment back on Camarillo as I make my way past various friends and up to the rooftop deck and there you are on the landing in a toga. (This freaks me out because those were the times of Samuel and I but yet, when I see you, it's like the most profound thing in the world.)

Every other dream is like a 'Quantum Leap' except it's you just popping into all the things I have said and done and it should be weird or off setting but instead it is the most natural of things. You should be at Tumbleweed with me and Naomi and Ruby, you should be on the lawn playing badminton with my brother and of course you're in every forward look of my life as common place as furniture and walls and sky and air.

But the best part is when the dream pulls away and I don't want to wake up but there you are--a deep breath on my back, a weighted limb across my torso and suddenly all I want to do is make everything I dreamed for the future to be true and make sure that the all of my memories have you in them.

Quote of the Day

This is from Kelly in response to Valeska's question of how blunt to be with random Facebook person from past who would like to get more 'in touch' though they have not seen each other since 13 years old.

The man feeds his parrot cereal.

I think you could be as bitchy as you want and he'd still be just fine with it.

I agree with Kelly--he probably has a thicker skin they one might guess

Confessions

-- Sometimes making my bed is the only accomplishment of the day. I should probably feel bad about this but most people I know never make their bed so it's like I have an upper hand.

-- I feel weird about how I let 'Bridget Jones' Diary' make me feel so sloppy romantic. Every so often I freak out at how overly simple this makes me but then I have to wonder why being happy about a guy is some code for weakness.

-- When I wear a crazy outfit I expect someone to make a comment but instead they usually roll their eyes and never say anything. Sometimes I think this is par for most interaction with my core group.

-- I like trying with people who don't seem to like me because it makes them uncomfortable on some level. This is something I tend to do with certain past coworkers and present neighbor with a mixture of interest and curious and eagerness.

-- Facebook Ads always give me a moment where I debate what would happen if I did just run off to Canada? Jumped on a gay cruise? Tried a Christian dating site? Maybe someday I will do all three--who knows

Crazi Boi

I feel like I have ADHD at the moment. I am bored and bouncing and yet I don't want to work out or behave... What I really want is



But since this would defeat the purpose of working out--I would possibly like this



Except with me and the boy involved. But since that will not be happening either I could imagine I would enjoy this



Or this



Or this



Hopefully something can be worked out

Music Whore
Using song titles from one artist (your choice), answer the following questions and Share.

Artist: Missy Elliot

1. Are you a male or female? Hot Boyz

2. Describe yourself? I’m Really Hot

3. How do you feel about yourself? We Run This

4. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend? Back in the Day

5. Describe your current boy/girl situation? Lose Control

6. Describe your current location? Get Ur Freak On

7. Describe where you want to be? Work It

8. Your best friend is? She’s A Bitch

9. Your favorite color is? Hot

10. You know that . . . Gossip Folks

11. What’s the weather like? The Rain (Supa Dupa Fly)

12. If your life was a television show what would it be called? Let Me Fix My Weave

13. What is life to you? . Shake Your Pom Pom

14. What is the best advice you have to give? Pass That Dutch

15. If you could change your name what would you change it to? Ching-A-Ling

For Jack

Copy the list below and replace the answers with your own, then tag [an arbitrary number of] people and the person who originally tagged you so they may see your answers. I tagged either fellow bookish types or those who recommended some of the books to me on this list.

1. One book that changed your life?
“Tales of the City”. It is a simple book but one that really moved me in ways I never expected. It not only had the weird magic of San Francisco or the pop culture trappings but was my first exposure to a great gay character in Michael ‘Mouse’ Tolliver which was a rarity in what I had read up to that point. It was also my first real exposure to the serial style format which included jumping from character with no main focus, unexpected storylines disappearing but then re-connecting much later but prepared me to read other serial styled authors like Charles Dickens much easier.

2. One book you have read more than once?
“Gone With the Wind”. It’s easy to make this novel be all about Scarlet and Rhett with curtain ball gowns and long sweeping staircases but that’s not why I need to reread this book once a year. It is a detailed and nuanced portrait of what happens when a society falls apart and really goes into the psyches that exist in such a situation—between Scarlet, Rhett, Melanie, and Ashley one is allowed to see and be exposed to the pathos of what we call society and what collapses in terms of morals, manners, expectations and emotions when society is gone. I still cry when I read the list of the dead because of how much you care about people and what they are fighting for. It’s not about what the North or the South stood for —it’s about people in time of crisis.

3. One book you would want on a desert island?
“Henry and June”. I think there is no other book-fiction or non-that makes me think about relationships like Anais Nin’s journal. Her beautiful language, her musings on creativity and sexuality, and the overall unique and universal understanding she has for love and lust, hunger and heartache is just so beautiful that to be able to read and reread it would quite fine with me.

4. One book that made you laugh?
Anything by essayist Michael Thomas Ford. I find his musings about life, sexuality, family and relationships to be quite funny. Whether it’s his multi essay attempt to live life like a porno flick, his musing about breaking up with his long term boyfriend or his explanation about how writers don’t write for art much as they write to not be caught slacking—he cracks me up.

5. One book that made you cry?
‘House of the Spirits’ is one of the most beautiful books I have ever read and makes me cry so many times through out the story. It’s has a sense of spirit and pathos strung together with such a musical and lyrical sense of prose that I can’t help be drawn in for days on end only to be deeply sad when the story does end. It has one of my favorite first lines of any novel and one that pops into my head fairly often.

6. One book you wish you had written?
‘Boy Meets Boy’ is the type of young adult book I wish there was more of. Not since Francesca Lia Block (of the Wheezy Bat series) has there been a writer so talented at creating their own world, their own style of prose and a unique feeling of existence. David Levithan has a handful of other books (‘Nick and Nora’s Infinite Play List’ among them) but this one still stands out as his best in creativity, emotion and depth. I wish I could paint the music like his characters seem to—or write like him some day.

7. One book you wish had never been written?
No such thing. I think all books have a place and audience. (Though if a gun to head—the fourth ‘Twilight’ book.)

8. One book you are currently reading?
‘Dr. Zhivago’ I have a crush on Russian literature currently and have been rereading all of the epic stories that I can. The only thing about this book that bothers me is I always only picture Omar and Julie as Yuri and Laura—damn that film!

9. One book you have been meaning to read?
‘Tropic of Cancer’. For some reason Anais Nin’s journal has made me much more interested in trying Henry Miller again. The few times I have tried to delve into his work I have found myself either very put out or bored by how dated it feels.

10. One book that was difficult to read?
‘Gravity’s Rainbow’ I will not get into my feelings about this book outside of that the scope of the story is so huge that I would have nightmares of keeping track of imagery, symbolism and characters. I should read it again—after I get back through all my Ayn Rand.

11. Favorite childhood book?
‘The Fox and the Hound’ was the only Disney film I was allowed to see as a child and this book was one of the last one’s my parents ever had to read to me. I still find myself thinking about Copper and Tod’s story and get a bit misty when I think about how it all ends. Yes it is an allegory for race relations but I love it to this day.

12. Popular book you have no desire to ever read? I have really tried with the following authors but just cannot get into their stuff--Stephen King, John Grishom and Danielle Steele. While they each had books I enjoyed, they seem to be dried out as artists. It worries me because it makes me feel out of touch with the mass markets.

Rory Hobby or Lists Lapointe

I have been trying to get myself back in schedule. Being unemployed can leave you at loose ends and being in full flush about a boy can leave you without any thoughts at all. (Besides him of course) But Edie and I ahve always had this theory that schedules really help keep a person going when they have nothing adult like a job.

It's not just about killing time but a lack of time gives you too much time to sit about and think about not having a job. That's the part that gets most in my head because after a certain point I just start feeling like a loser instead of enjoying the free time. So I have found it easier to keep moving as to not get bogged down a negative cycle when I know I am trying my best. Add to this that whenever I first get involved in a relationship I am in such a bliss spot that I kind of forget that I have things to do; keeping up with friends and family, working on my writing, not eating everything insight and possibly working out.

Which leads me to this past weekend with all it's drinking and smoking and social whirl I realized I needed to get things back in a perfect order. I have been so good about cutting back the smoking and might actually be close to being done, I have the ab lines started that I have always wanted but they're starting to fade, and I was just eating so much better. So I realized I needed to work on a better schedule of working out quite a bit more, making long needed phone calls to my nearest, more time with my patch when in social situtations and taking time to read more (less facebook and the nets) which, in turn, makes me inspired to write more.

I am also debating getting some new hobbies. I have always felt what mnakes people feel old is being bored and in a routine and that is the one thing I detest most in the world. So in this vein, I am making a list of things I would like to get started with during my free time so I can be well into it by my next job. Maybe learn how to cook meat properly, try and retake up painting for a bit, buy a kite kit to build and use in the park and even looking into doing some roller skating lessons. But the list is in flux and hopefully will be settled before my next job.

But my biggest goal is to be better here--with words and clips and pictures because I find when I let myself think I am boring I don't blog. But when i force myself to blog when bored I always find something new about myself. Which is a good hobby to have.

Art Is Awesome

Orca Or Aren't Cha?

I had the strangest dream last night. I am sure it is because of the reappearance of the patch but last night my mind was fixated on the idea of killer orca whales. Not just that-but that somehow I was in a fish themed horror movie and yet was aware I was in a fish themed movie. I spent most of my dream Cassandra like and trying to warn of impending doom at the hands of the Orca which led to my fellow fish food trying to convince me I was confusing the Orca's with a 'Jaws' film.

The most surreal moment was when I headed up to the beach cabins-with the only cute guy who believed me thus adhering to the horror film formula--and when we turned back we could see all the other people standing alongside a beach cliff where all the Orca had come up to be pet. I remember a chill running up and down my back as thought about how this was leading to a 'false sense of safety'.



The reason I knew this was a dream? I was on the island with Carly and Bobbie from 'General Hospital' except they played lesiban lovers instead of mother/daughter. I tried to ask about the lesiban/dolphin thing and they broke character to tell me they didn't know either. Weird

Focus Change, Twist the Kaleidoscope

I am very content today. It's weird--not because I don't like it--but mostly because I so often just touch the tip of this feeling. It's not just about the boy (though that helps) but all the little things that seem lined up today, in this one second of my life. It's about having Edie here for so long that it reminds me of why she is one of my best friends, it's about being on the cusp of several very good job leads and knowing that by trusting in my talents (as opposed to running around like a headless chicken) that waiting for the right job is paying off, it's about having great friends who make me smile even when they're driving me nuts.

I didn't even realize how good I felt until I made my way down the street for a soda and I just couldn't help smiling and walking with a slight bounce in my step. Life isn't perfect--I smoked this weekend, I ate a bit too much, I should have remembered to bring Raquel's birthday card and bought her a cocktail--but it is enough for me. I like this feeling and will try to remember it when I have my doubts and questions. Now that I know it is possible, i need to focus more on that goal.

Quote of the Day

This came from Johnno (the boyfriend) in response to me complaining about his snoring.

"baby take the compliment, you make me SHIVER with anticipation even when I'm unconcious"

Touche kiddo, touche.

Almond Branches in Bloom, San Remy, c.1890



I am not sure why but this picture has been in my head all day. Maybe it is the teal of the sky or the simple lines of the branches but I just find myself reflecting on this randomly.

Quote of the Day


"I am so beautiful, sometimes people weep when they see me. And it has nothing to do with what I look like really, it is just that I gave myself the power to say that I am beautiful, and if I could do that, maybe there is hope for them too. And the great divide between the beautiful and the ugly will cease to be. Because we are all what we choose. "

Margaret Cho's weblog, 03-23-06

For some reason this struck a chord

Unlikely Man Crush

Just watch


BOOMBOX from Ely Kim on Vimeo.

His name is Ely Kim. I think I am in love with him due to his dancing, his dedication and his music choice.

Awesome Dawson

Simple and New

I guess I have a story to share. Before I go there--I have not reviewed my blog to see what else I have said this far about Johnno--so this will be a clean slate of sorts. Because I think I have to start at the beginning if only to give myself structure for a million thoughts running in a million directions.

Johnno and I met on OkCupid.




Ok--that pause was for all my readers to get their snarky comments, anti-web dating complaints and various eye rolls, sighs and associated crap out of the way.

So Johnno and I met on OkCupid. He made sent me a nice interesting email and as someone who has spent time on many a dating website--for various reasons--it was quite novel to get something that seemed to have thought, proper spelling, and grammar all at the same time. After a few days I wrote back, after figuring out a million different ways to respond, and then ended up waiting but not waiting for a response.

Because one of things with on-line dating is that you get used to the weird 'he likes you to flirt but not enough to keep up the effort' so you just kind of go with the flow and if the conversation drives up then you know the person was not really interested. I had just about written Johnno off when he did respond with another longer, well though out and clever missive. He even apologized for being rude for taking so long which showed that he was polite as well.

We did the dance of verbiage back and forth for a while but not enough for me to place any serious stock in it. It was just nice to flirt and be flirted with and just was an extra bounce in my step as I went around with all the motions of holidays and parties and friendships. And he wasn't the only person I was talking with so when the emails stopped coming I wasn't throwing myself across beds or sofas tear streaked--I was just kind of bummed out.

It wasn't until the day before New Year's Eve that I even started to really focus on in on Johnno as someone I wanted to be more focused on. I was reading another guy's flirty email (BTW what is up with straight guys sending me emails? REALLY?!?) when I stumbled across Johnno's last message and reread all of our correspondence thus far. It bummed me out that it had been so long since I had heard from him and I even ended up mentioned it in a handful of conversations.

But what was odd was that VERY day he emailed for the first time in weeks. Johnno explained that he forgotten about my email due to the OK Cupid set up and being home for the holiday and was very apologetic and asked if I had an IM. I did but had taken it down years ago because chatting gets in the way of writing. But I realized that I did like him enough to make a bit more effort if even baby steps.
Now this is where I have to flash forward—because everyone knows how people fall into relationships--I don’t need to bore you with foolish nicknames and sappy songs and off color jokes and clever dialogue that person seems to think they have when stumbling towards dating. The one thing that took me by surprise was how often, and how eerily, Johnno and I would finish each other’s IM messages or make obscure points of reference which not only were caught but volleyed back with ease. We would easily spend 3 to five hours a day just chatting on-line from the first day we started to IMing.

This led to a date or two—which I have amply covered in previous posts—but what I neglected intentionally was how much in synch Johnno and I seem to be. I have never been with someone how could so easily complete my thoughts, who understood and even guessed where I was going before I got there. Someone who uses words like lexicon instead of dictionary or who gets me a Valentine’s Day gift that somehow is exactly the same IDEA that I gave him. I feel like my mind is being read and my heart being felt well before I can even articulate where and what and how I am.

And I won’t lie. It scares the hell out of me. I am not a romantic. I don’t give in or give up easily but somehow I don’t even feel those are options around Johnno. I have few qualms and the ones I do have are about timing and space and how I have to remember not to rush in or squish him with all of my feelings and words and music and touch. And this is not like me; I am the one who hangs back, rolls his eyes at the hokey and never gives in first and yet I have no need for any of that. If you told me that being asked to be someone’s boyfriend would make me teary—I would have asked if I was drunk when it happened.

And yet it did make me teary. And if I am honest with my feelings—without giving away too much—then I need to keep trusting and accepting what is happening. But it scares me because I don’t think I have ever been here before (Which sounds awful and terrible and unfair to Samuel but is truthful and real) and yeah it is early and we haven’t had our fights or our disappointments or our struggles but I have never been even close to this feeling before in my whole life.

But if this is what falling in love feels like then I have been doing it all wrong for years.




It’s just that simple.

Loser/Gainer

I have spent the last week with an unending case of hunger. I'm not sure what this is all about but I have been fighting the urge to eat everything not chained down. It isn't, as Lola suggested, some diet issue about food cravings and it isn't, as Edie suggested, anything to do with my workout plans, but something more.

Because I have been craving things I never want. Like I made myself go out in the pouring rain to get sour cream for chili. I don't like sour cream. I loath the texture and feel guilty about the idea of eating due to how unhealthy it is.

I have made myself hunt down cherry frosted Pop Tarts. Even though I don't like sweet things at all. Even though they can only be found in boxes of six which means I will have to eat the whole box. (eventually. not in a bing way) I even ate one untoasted which is a HUGE waste of a pop tart.

I can't figure out why I am doing this. Nothing in my life should make me feel this empty that all i can do is stuff tings down my throat. I'm on the edge of happy and it is just there for me to jump into.

Unless I'm trying to bulk up to weigh myself down for the pluge. So that if I trust enough to leap at happiness I will make damn sure I sink all the way into it.

Quote of the Day

From the Go Fuf Yourself Girls regarding the following picture



"enjoy standing that close to an Oscar honey, because that's as near as you're going to get to one, unless you break into Meryl Streep's house next time you're in the neighborhood."

It's not mean if it's true.