Random Thoughts

The other day I was talking with my mother about life in general. We were catching up on both of our lives and I was telling her all about Johnno moving into the Dollhouse. She is eager to meet him and when I mentioned that I had to go because he and I had plans she told me that she would like a photograph of me and my special friend.

I hate that phrase.

And as I was on my work today the conversation popped back into my head--I still had yet to send a photo and I needed an old school recipe back from my mom as well. I was considering telling my mother CLEARLY that Johnno is my boyfriend. That is it. No other acceptable words can be used because that is who he is

Which then got me wondering about all the other ways gay couples get described and how much I hate them.

We are not "partners". This is because we do not have our pictures on the sides of public transport advertising our real estate business or workers' comp law office. We do not run a kicky second-hand store on Melrose Avenue or play in professional tournaments.

We are not long term companions. That brings up images of the nurses and care givers that walk their senior charges up and down the neighborhoods of West Hollywood to keep their joints moving. I am not a dog that has been there for the whole family and now hang off a lease as my mid life crisis owner jogs through the streets in the early evening.

But most of all I despise special friends. It makes me think of the sex abuse prevention videos that were all over the TVs in the 80's. The ones where the creepy neighbor as you in for juice or the scout master helps put lotion on your back. Why would I want us referred to as something that-if I was 7 and he was 25-would possibly get him arrested and be an early warning sign for my own safety

And lovers? Well it makes it all about sex which we are ALL about but also smacks of Christopher Walken as the Continental. (which I love but do not want tied to my love life.)


Instead I prefer the following-



Boyfriend- Simple and straight to the point

Beau- Sure it is Southern and very Dandy like but also has it's charming

Hot Piece of Ass- Because it is so true for both of us.

My favorite mistake. Because sometimes that is what being in love feels like


But anything else is nothing else is acceptable. At all!

Quote of the Day

This is the best text I have gotten in awhile because it is so true. it is random and from Kirby so it all adds up.

"Why do i think of Julie Andrews when I see Justin Beiber?"


See-now you can't get it out of your head.

Polyvore is Crack

Every so often I miss my days doing the windows of the Gap. I liked the challenge of creating looks and making things sell. I first found I had this skill at Pier 1 and I still indulge it back decorating the apartment, the boy's old apartment, friends' apartments

It's what I do

And now I have stumbled across Polyvore a few years late to the game but nonetheless I get sucked in hardcore. I can spend hours doing their competitions and just wasting my time.

No I do not want to dress in women's lothing or be a girl. I like my jumk just fine

But seriously-I play for hours

Find me on Polyvore

I don't even understand how it works and it's not very good but i do seem to like it

In the future words of Whitney Houston
"Crack is back"

Weird



That I still find him hotter than sin?

I know I know.

More than Illusion.

Sorry I haven’t written much.

Ever have something that is so special and unique that you’re almost afraid of it? Like the European B-side of a Rufus Wainwright album? Or the latest novel from your favorite novelist. Or maybe the perfect pair of black shoes that you have been stalking for months that suddenly went on sale and they only had your size left?

Like one of those type things.

And it is scary to have those type of things. Like the moment you use it, enjoy, own it then it suddenly feels as if the uniqueness and magic of it would be gone. So you find a million little ways to save it and then you get to the point where it becomes so big and overwhelming that you don’t know how to actually bring yourself to take away the magic.

This is a roundabout way of saying that Johnno is moving in the Dollhouse with Edie, Lola and me. I just haven’t been ready to share that with anyone because it still feels so surreal and fragile and in process but now it is at the point where the information is leaking out randomly and it’s time to make the grand gesture.

I will be living with my boyfriend for the first time ever.

I will also continue to live with the princess and the trouble-maker. In the words of Edie-“It’s going to a non stop dance party”. And it does have that club/slumber party vibe already and it just continues to feel more and more standard and normal.

Insert freak out here.

It came about through my usual combination of random events mixed with serendipity and self examination. I had been trying to figure out the core of my frustration and issues that kept coming up over the course of my weekend-I would just be so stressed and overwhelmed and I would get snappish and moody and I couldn’t figure it out. After a few email exchanges via blogs with a friend in a similar situation, I came to realize that what was really going on was quite simple.

I was upset at wasting time when all I wanted to do was just be able to be with Johnno. I felt like I was constantly running out of time with him and so anything that seemed to get in the way of us just being able to enjoy ourselves made me so ragey and cranky that I was pushing things away.

At the end of the day I wanted to live with him.

But once I realized this-I was at a loss. Because I love the Dollhouse and my roommates, I loved the cheap rent and great location, and it really is my home. I love everything about it from the walls we’ve painted to the art I’ve hung over the years to the crazy amounts of beauty products in any one given location of the apartment. But I love it most of all for the simple fact that it is big enough for a dance party at any given time.

My hands felt tied--I have lived at Woodbridge Park longer than anywhere in my entire life and the idea of giving it up made me nauseous. When a relationship has gone this far in the past I have been able to make timelines about when I would have to deal with moving out to move in with some—usually far off dates that would be adjust so that they stayed far off.. I don’t think I ever did it on purpose but I did it regardless. But with Johnno I felt I couldn’t keep doing that.

I wanted him more than I want my illusion of home centered independence.

So then the question became about what to do with myself.

Inspire and Obsession

New York has glamorous store windows to gawk at up and down it's street but Los Angels makes amazing sets for the whole world to watch. And this week along Melrose Avenue, various stores are doing tribute windows to famous films and television sets... Here are my favorites

A Mad Men inspired window




And of course- a tribute to Auntie Mame



Enjoy the views-more words to come later

PS I Love You

I had an amazing weekend. I alwasy forget how much I pack my time--one night it is drinks in a Hollywood lounge, the next night it's karokee in a dive bar in Venice. It's a cycle of coffee and movie nights, shopping and parties in both the Hills and the Valley. i fill my time so quickly that I began to stress about all the things I have to get done.

I don't HAVE to get anything done.

It took heading down to Palm Springs with Valeska, Kelly and Johnno to spend the night with Joy at her grandfather's house. We spent our time off the radar with movies like Pretty Woman and Grease 2, small fun dinners on the main drag and filled the downtimes with cocktails and naps. It was low key and low stress but made for some serious soul searching.

I realized that I need to set up things in my life in a new way--that I need to make more memories than schedules, more wishlists than to-do lists. That when I choose-I can have an amazing time with those who matter without making it be about anything else

I also realized I am funny. As such-here is the best quote from the whole trip--by me


"I wish life were like that--after you have an emotional outburst, someone just hands you a hanky and sets you up wth a personal shopper."

-Rory regarding Pretty Woman

Obsessed

Seriously i am just obsessed with orange as of late. I just find it appealing as all out. but where to find more and more options for orange pieces?





I know it's obvious I love this color but how do I own this color?

Dear Fate

You are a crafty and cunning botch. I have yet to fully understand what you are up to but it’s nice to know that you just might have my back. Devil is in the details… So look out for pitchforks and patent leather.

A Conversation Between Soulmates

I know exactly what you mean about wanting and having creating confusing expectations. I am on the fence about moving in with the boy-it's hard to have him pack up on Sunday nights to go back to his place when I do want him to stay but then I worry I am not built to live with anyone in a romantic sense

It doesn't help that I love my apartment and my roomies. They are both so low maintenance as roommates and we have a lot of great adventures because of the proximity but I am realizing that is not enough.... I want the boy and the apartment but am learning i can't have both--I’m at a loss.

And then there is the time I spend in my head with decisions... And I hate making decisions--I am then constantly wondering how the other role would have played out... Then I get myself all caught up in how it could have been-for better or worse--which results in me just being so far from what is in front of me that coming back to reality feels so farcical since I have committed so much fantasy to the road less traveled.

I read way too many 'Choose your Own Adventures'

So I have to learn to put that second self in the corner. I have to learn to use that energy and those musings in another forum--hopefully in my writing and not in my actual head space.

It sucks having a mansion for imagination because there is always way too much of my head living there.

Obsession

I love this room




This is what i will do my own apartment in eventually. The boyfriend better prepare himself for this magic coming his way at all times. Like for certain

I just wish I knew good places to find an orange couch.

All About Being a Bitch

I didn’t realize until today how much of my time has been wasted waiting on other people to get their shite together. The truth is that I am putting things in my life-things that I want for myself and other people-on hold because certain people don’t want to try and fix themselves or deal with their problems as an adult

This is an annoying realization if only because these are some of the same people who cluelessly do things that hurt my feelings and the act surprised that they can do it.

It makes me just want to take what I want and fuck everyone else.

Object of Lust

I know this is so gay and also quite possibly so 2001 but I have been obsessed with this.




I found this necklace at Urban Outfitters website and have been wearing it nonstop like my last name was Bradshaw and my first name was Carrie. Yeah it feels so weirdly retro and yet something so new to me that i can't resist. I don't know why it appeals to me so much but it is tiny and discrete and the only French thing I have ever owned.

But for some reason it makes me feel cool.

The Edge is Of Course Jagged

So I spent the beginning of today being an ass. I was in a bad mood for some reason-tired and busy and cranky--and this lead to me being snappish. Seriously snappish with the boy.

I have been a constant struggle as of the last year or so with my frustration and my anger. i don't know where it has come from but i seem unable at points to control myself from yelling or slamming things around when things aren't going my way. i hate it and i try to control it but this has become more and more of a common event. And i can't figure out why.

I am in love with an amazing guy, I am working on a show that I truly enjoy being a part of, the money situation is under control and even the few kinks in my social life have been worked out. It's a pretty close to blessed life and yet i find myself pushing at it's edges by getting worked up over the smallest details.

Why do I crave perfection?

I danced so close to the line that I actually thought I might have pushed too far and too hard. I crossed some point with my anger and frustration and I turned it out why too far and came so close to breaking my on heart. I made the boy cry even if it was about other things and it was the closest I have ever been to ripping my own heart out.

But we're fine now

Even so, I can't help but be terrified of how far I took things. It is not right or okay and I need to figure out how to not be that person again. i have seen the edge

I have no interest on what is on the other side.

You Might Be Becoming A Lesbian

I had this thought the other night as I was rolling around my house post work and post red wine-I might just be finding the ladies more fun than the mens.

I am in love with the film “Whip It’ even thought it is all about hidden girl on girl sexuality. I find myself constantly curious about Drew Barrymore and Juliette Lewis-what would they be like in bed? I’d watch.




I like the idea of going to Lilith Fair and possibly following said tour around in some type of VW bus. I was depressed I couldn’t get on the action last go around. This even though most of the acts would want to cut my penis off-looking at you Paula Cole and Alanis Morisette.



Even still, I have been obsessed with the entire ‘The Runways’ catalog lately and blasting various tunes whenever in the shower to the ire of my neighbors. Kristin Stewart’s portrayal of Joan Jett and her lady loving ways made like that actress and we all know I think she sucks.



And now I just want to hang out with my lesbian friends. I spend my days at work with Jolisa and we hide in her bay as she talks about all the girls she kissed the weekend before. I have learned how to undone a bra by snapping my fingers. And at night-I find myself constantly trying to get together with Kirby, Wynona-as well as Johnno’s friends Jamie-Lynn and Justine because they know how to drink and get the party going well beyond the tipping point. Beer and babes abound and I love it.

I love it so much that I want to turn other girls lesbian so they can be just as cool. Some of you better watch your back!

You know who you are

This is how I know he loves



I should be better

Red Wine and Rain

The rain started when I was out to coffee with Kelly and Valeska. We were under umbrellas so we continued with our lattes and ice coffees and aviod the water as we talked and caught up. It's been awhile since we've had just time to ourselves and I probably ran off at the mouth but it was one of those moments one can do that.

They happen less and less.

But life has been strange in the past month. Without going into full details-the month isn't over and I don't want to push my luck--I have found myself reflecting and realizing things. That at the end of the day we only can do what we can and say with the words when the time is right and that that has to be enough.

I'm tired of working too hard.

But as I sip my wine and watch the water fall i can't help but know that on some level my life is good. I can be real with my friends-the obvious and the unexpected--and that I can trust my insticts and also allow myself my pratfalls. It isn't bad that a necklace can make me happen or that sometimes I want a cookie or that maybe I can be a bit unfair and greedy.

I know that wanting good things for yourself isn't really greed.

And after the rain has cleaned the street and the wine has left my glass that tomorrow will give me more chances to try and be better. Better as a person, better at my goals and better at loving myself. It doesn't really can your life to know this--but maybe you can see what i mean and find it within yourself

RIP Dixie Carter



Dixie Cater passed away this past weekend and I couldn't be more sad about it. Her turn as Julia Sugarbaker was one of my favorite performances in any television show and influenced the way I looked at the world and the qualties I wanted in people in general.







One of my wishes was to be as outspoken, well read and as brave as she always seemed to be. Rest well Dixie Carter-you gave us a hell of a ride

Objects of Lust

I just like the idea of these rooms.





I collect these type of pictures so that I can get inspired and even steal elements of each design for my own spaces down the line. I know they are a bit over the top but I would tone them down, use my own colors but the basic points of each room would still apply to the design.

I just love the use of color and pattern.

Such a fag.

Chad White Does Not Eat Ice Cream

Everyone make a food/lifestyle change really needs a mantra or motivation. For some people it’s Oprah’s vision board, for others it’s ‘The Secret’ and others it’s the one piece of clothing you have hanging on your closet door as the ‘perfect outfit’. For me, it is this guy.







His name is Chad White. He’s a model from a bunch of advertising campaigns, most notably as one of the Dolce and Gabbana models of the last few seasons. He is hot in an unsubtle way with a smoking body

I have seen him in person. It is hot.

Here’s the thing. I know I will never look like Chad White in any way, shape or form but I love the ideal that he represents. One of the most interesting things he said was to my fellow logger—Bobby joked that Chad probably hasn’t had ice cream in years and Chad responded with ‘Chad White does not eat ice cream. Ice cream is just a moment in the day but what Chad White gets without ice cream is to feel good, see the world and make money. Trade off.’

Yes Chad White did speak in the third person. He’s funny that way. But what he said is so true. It’s totally about the trade off-and I use ‘Chad White does not eat ice cream’ whenever I get near a bad food choice.

Because I secret want this body or as close as I can get.



It’s never going to happen but it definitely won’t if I eat ice cream.

Genes and Jeans

I don’t know how I inherited the self destructive gene. I mean-we all second guess ourselves and make dubious choices for a million reasons—maybe we were drinking, refusing to let go of the past or forgetting to learn from our present. You get to point though when you start growing beyond those moments and find new and better ways to cope

That’s the game plan.

I just wish it was that simple. See, this past weekend Kelly and Valeska threw their 2nd annual Jimmy Buffet themed parking lot party. Last year was a lot of fun between hurricanes, 50 pounds of sand, flambongos and a post party huddle with the friends and the new-ish boyfriend. I was excited to seee what would happen this year.

And for the most part the party was great—I missed Johnno not being there but everyone had fun, lots of booze drank and lots of people left happy. But the one thing that stuck out is that suddenly everyone seemed to notice the weight loss and was constantly complimenting me.

Not going to lie-it was awesome.

The funny thing is the person who seemed to best understand how weird the sudden attention was was Sophie from ‘Big Brother’. She pointed out that sometimes you have that window of 5 or 6 pounds and suddenly everything is different. Which makes sense and when you add new clothes and a bit of time between seeing some people and I just felt hot.

But it doesn’t explain how I spent the next day shoveling carbs and sugar into my mouth. Now I know that Edie and I talked about how Easter is a holiday and that you have to allow yourself a treat now and then but I was ridiculous. I had food I have touched in almost 10 months like crackers and stuffing and potatoes and mudslides and just everything but the kitchen sink.

And that was because the kitchen sink was not made of sugar.

It was just so weird because I was aware as I was doing all of this that I would lose any serious momentum gained in the last month or two. But I was suddenly just obsessed with the idea of letting go and giving in. For no real reason.

The only good thing to come out of this was how I work up at 3 in the morning with such a sugar hangover that I was almost sick. It felt so disgusting and uncomfortable and was payment for not keeping on track.

So I did learn something

I just wish that I could figure out why I make these choices. I was upset ir depressed or intoxicated or anything of the sort. Just ended up in some bad idea jeans.

I have to be better.

Without Him

Johnno has been gone for a week. His grandfather passed away and so he had to fly back to Seattle for the funeral and-because of me-ended up staying through Easter. It's the longest we have been apart since we really became boyfriends.

I miss him

With that said, there is something that is strangely exciting about feeling like I am on my own. Not the being single stuff, not the flirting stuff but all the little things I forget about myself when I am with Johnno.

Like walking the streets to Kelly and Johnny's house in my shades with my backpack and just feeling so New York. Like debating my entrance to the party since i'm always a little late on purpose. Dancing around the Dollhouse pre-party as I go through my clothes and my itunes at the same time. All that silly weird fun stuff I forget about. Secret single behavior

But I'm not single-which is good-and I cannot wait for the boyfriend to come home. Maybe I'll be a bit more playful and fun after running around all week like Carrie Bradshaw

We'll see

Object of Lust

I totally blame Edie for this becoming stuck in my head but it's catchy

DAMN IT



But who did Ludacris kill to end up in this song?

John Forsythe RIP

His death has made me so sad. Between playing the role of Charlie Townsend (aka the voice of Charlie's Angeles) and the one and only Blake Carrington (of Dynasty fame) this man gave me a lot of great television memories.

Here are some of my favorite moments of him as a performer





I know it's weird to use the credits but I still smile whenever i hear this opening

Book Whore

Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller

I actually loved this book. I wasn't sure I would between the coarse language and 'in your face' sexuality that is all through out this story. But as I made my way through the novel, I realized that the point of Henry Miller's work is to talk about, and to deconstruct, the ideas and mores of society through the idea of the urban warrior which is something he does amazing well.

His books are not depressing but instead poke and prod at various world views, caste systems, class and sex roles as well as race in a vulgar yet direct manner--Miller is content to destroy all the poetry and picture pretty turns of phrase to expose the point of human existence at it's core. While I don't need to read his other novels I can say that i understand his world view and why people like Anais Nin loved it so.

Object of Lust

Today's object is juts a print I found on the website art.com. I highly recommend this site for great prints of all types, a fun search engine and easy sorting with things such a color as well as size and price point

But just don't buy this




It's mine!

You Know You’re Vain When You Screw Over the Government.

It was meant to be a joke.

The Dollhouse was on the verge of running late sending in its census form for the April deadline and it was decided through a series of emails, texts and Facebook posting that we needed to get the paperwork done ASAP

So Edie filled out the first part of the form and left iot on the dining room table for me and Lola to get around too. As a joke, I didn’t fill in my age or the full date of my birth—because we make jokes about it all the time in my world. And it wouldn’t be the only joke.

A few days later Edie sent me any email asking how I had forgotten to put down that I was her unmarried partner (because she thought it would be funny) and I joked back by asking if she had noticed the missing age information. She hadn’t but would be sure too look.

Of course now we were waiting on Lola to finish up the form. Even though we were confused if she was allowed to due to the fact she is here on a work visa and not a citizen. But we found the answer and she even commented about my lack of birth date on the form.

Joke had—each of us making our own little quips about age and relationship and even ethnic background (Shouldn’t Canada count) but none of us thought to mail out the form. Come Saturday morning Johnno reminds me that he has to mail out his census folder before he flies out for his grandfather’s funeral. This made me snap into action and without even thinking—

I mailed out the census with no age or birth year for me.

It is kind of funny

Though I am glad that neither girl did what they had joked to do-which was to fill in a year and an age on their own. I’d hate to see what number that would be.

Today's Obsession



I just love the idea of the ascot. I want it to be one of those things I can wear whenever I want. Like to dinner or job interviews or random summer parties. But it feels a bit to formal or too off the beaten path and way too close to hipster.

But I have always loved this look.

Shakespeare Needed Some Sass

Here's today's thing to make you laugh. I have no words--just watch



But even better still



Ohmigod--I laugh. I die. i cry inside

p.s. this is the best your hair has ever looked

Fashion Obsession

I am obsessed with 70s mens fashion lately. Cords and patterned pants, cardigans and chunky sweaters, caps and scarves



I am not foolish enough to think I can pull off that hat... People would start calling me Rory Bear in honor of Huggy Bear.



But God man if a chunky sweater with the right weave doesn't just look so slick



Or how neat a cord jacket in a unique color can look on the right guy. It just makes everything like so cocktails by rooftop pool.

But just so you don't think this is Redford thing...



Here's Steve McQueen doing that shawl collared sweater look which is just so chic. I love how it is soft and simple at the same time.



And finally-just a well fitting cardigan can look so studly and worldly. I just love the idea of it... Though it would make me look a bit thick.

le sigh-70s fashion is so fun

Week of the Weak

So this past week I fell apart. I did all the things I thought had given up or changed-all the behavior I finally let go off and learned to stop engaging was back in a major way. I learned.

A lot.

I wallowed in carb foods that I didn't even want, smoked a pack of cigarettes in the course of two days, let myself mope and stew and break apart at the seams over simple things. Have to say that I am severly disappointed in myself because I felt for the first time in my LIFE I had tehse things under control.

And not in that normal way

The way that we all get when we're trying so hard to become something else that all we do is stare at the cookie on our friend's plate when we're on the diet, the way we say we cn hang outside with the smoker's cause we only want to smell the nicotine, the way we say we're over slights before real and imagined because we are just going to ignore the issues at hand

Because none of these things work.

But what I was doing was the opposite-the cookie wasn't even on my radar when it came to food, i wasn't stomping around while I shook off my nic fit, I wasn't concerned what anyone else thought. I was growing and changing and making myself into something more and better. But I let other people and things derail me, I allowed my self worth to become about everyone else but me and in the end that lead to nothing more than another excuse to be bad to msyelf.

I'm done with that.

So I will spend tomorrow putting all the pieces back together. I will use my considerable strength, talent, wit and grit to pull myself back into shape. I'm amazing when I want to be so I just need to get back on track.

Awesome is a lot of work.

Writers Write

CBS’s drama The Unit, about the lives of the highly trained members of a top-secret military division, was canceled last year, but a memo to its writing staff from its executive producer David Mamet has just surfaced online. (The source appears to be the online writing collective Ink Canada.) If you think you know where this is heading, you might be wrong:

Besides the fact that it’s written in all-caps, there’s nothing particularly ranty, pejorative or potty-mouthed about it. Rather, Mamet lays down an extremely sensible case for what makes good television, imploring them to avoid expository writing for what he characterizes as authentic “drama.” Along the way, he refers repeatedly to the “blue-suited penguins” (probably the copious-note-givers at the network), while passing along some very useful advice (“any time two characters are talking about a third, the scene is a crock of shit”) and helpful writing exercises (“pretend the characters can’t speak and write a silent movie”). Screenwriters, take note: You may think you knew this already, but there’s nothing like Mamet for a good kick-in-the-ass reminder.


TO THE WRITERS OF THE UNIT

GREETINGS.

AS WE LEARN HOW TO WRITE THIS SHOW, A RECURRING PROBLEM BECOMES CLEAR.

THE PROBLEM IS THIS: TO DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN DRAMA AND NON-DRAMA. LET ME BREAK-IT-DOWN-NOW.

EVERYONE IN CREATION IS SCREAMING AT US TO MAKE THE SHOW CLEAR. WE ARE TASKED WITH, IT SEEMS, CRAMMING A SHITLOAD OF INFORMATION INTO A LITTLE BIT OF TIME.

OUR FRIENDS. THE PENGUINS, THINK THAT WE, THEREFORE, ARE EMPLOYED TO COMMUNICATE INFORMATION — AND, SO, AT TIMES, IT SEEMS TO US.

BUT NOTE:THE AUDIENCE WILL NOT TUNE IN TO WATCH INFORMATION. YOU WOULDN’T, I WOULDN’T. NO ONE WOULD OR WILL. THE AUDIENCE WILL ONLY TUNE IN AND STAY TUNED TO WATCH DRAMA.

QUESTION:WHAT IS DRAMA? DRAMA, AGAIN, IS THE QUEST OF THE HERO TO OVERCOME THOSE THINGS WHICH PREVENT HIM FROM ACHIEVING A SPECIFIC, ACUTE GOAL.

SO: WE, THE WRITERS, MUST ASK OURSELVES OF EVERY SCENE THESE THREE QUESTIONS.

1) WHO WANTS WHAT?
2) WHAT HAPPENS IF HE DOESN’T GET IT?
3) WHY NOW?

THE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS ARE LITMUS PAPER. APPLY THEM, AND THEIR ANSWER WILL TELL YOU IF THE SCENE IS DRAMATIC OR NOT.

IF THE SCENE IS NOT DRAMATICALLY WRITTEN, IT WILL NOT BE DRAMATICALLY ACTED.

THERE IS NO MAGIC FAIRY DUST WHICH WILL MAKE A BORING, USELESS, REDUNDANT, OR MERELY INFORMATIVE SCENE AFTER IT LEAVES YOUR TYPEWRITER. YOU THE WRITERS, ARE IN CHARGE OF MAKING SURE EVERY SCENE IS DRAMATIC.

THIS MEANS ALL THE “LITTLE” EXPOSITIONAL SCENES OF TWO PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT A THIRD. THIS BUSHWAH (AND WE ALL TEND TO WRITE IT ON THE FIRST DRAFT) IS LESS THAN USELESS, SHOULD IT FINALLY, GOD FORBID, GET FILMED.

IF THE SCENE BORES YOU WHEN YOU READ IT, REST ASSURED IT WILL BORE THE ACTORS, AND WILL, THEN, BORE THE AUDIENCE, AND WE’RE ALL GOING TO BE BACK IN THE BREADLINE.

SOMEONE HAS TO MAKE THE SCENE DRAMATIC. IT IS NOT THE ACTORS JOB (THE ACTORS JOB IS TO BE TRUTHFUL). IT IS NOT THE DIRECTORS JOB. HIS OR HER JOB IS TO FILM IT STRAIGHTFORWARDLY AND REMIND THE ACTORS TO TALK FAST. IT IS YOUR JOB.

EVERY SCENE MUST BE DRAMATIC. THAT MEANS: THE MAIN CHARACTER MUST HAVE A SIMPLE, STRAIGHTFORWARD, PRESSING NEED WHICH IMPELS HIM OR HER TO SHOW UP IN THE SCENE.

THIS NEED IS WHY THEY CAME. IT IS WHAT THE SCENE IS ABOUT. THEIR ATTEMPT TO GET THIS NEED MET WILL LEAD, AT THE END OF THE SCENE,TO FAILURE - THIS IS HOW THE SCENE IS OVER. IT, THIS FAILURE, WILL, THEN, OF NECESSITY, PROPEL US INTO THE NEXT SCENE.

ALL THESE ATTEMPTS, TAKEN TOGETHER, WILL, OVER THE COURSE OF THE EPISODE, CONSTITUTE THE PLOT.

ANY SCENE, THUS, WHICH DOES NOT BOTH ADVANCE THE PLOT, AND STANDALONE (THAT IS, DRAMATICALLY, BY ITSELF, ON ITS OWN MERITS) IS EITHER SUPERFLUOUS, OR INCORRECTLY WRITTEN.

YES BUT YES BUT YES BUT, YOU SAY: WHAT ABOUT THE NECESSITY OF WRITING IN ALL THAT “INFORMATION?”

AND I RESPOND “FIGURE IT OUT” ANY DICKHEAD WITH A BLUESUIT CAN BE (AND IS) TAUGHT TO SAY “MAKE IT CLEARER”, AND “I WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT HIM”.

WHEN YOU’VE MADE IT SO CLEAR THAT EVEN THIS BLUESUITED PENGUIN IS HAPPY, BOTH YOU AND HE OR SHE WILL BE OUT OF A JOB.

THE JOB OF THE DRAMATIST IS TO MAKE THE AUDIENCE WONDER WHAT HAPPENS NEXT. NOT TO EXPLAIN TO THEM WHAT JUST HAPPENED, OR TO*SUGGEST* TO THEM WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

ANY DICKHEAD, AS ABOVE, CAN WRITE, “BUT, JIM, IF WE DON’T ASSASSINATE THE PRIME MINISTER IN THE NEXT SCENE, ALL EUROPE WILL BE ENGULFED IN FLAME”

WE ARE NOT GETTING PAID TO REALIZE THAT THE AUDIENCE NEEDS THIS INFORMATION TO UNDERSTAND THE NEXT SCENE, BUT TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO WRITE THE SCENE BEFORE US SUCH THAT THE AUDIENCE WILL BE INTERESTED IN WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

YES BUT, YES BUT YES BUT YOU REITERATE.

AND I RESPOND FIGURE IT OUT.

HOW DOES ONE STRIKE THE BALANCE BETWEEN WITHHOLDING AND VOUCHSAFING INFORMATION? THAT IS THE ESSENTIAL TASK OF THE DRAMATIST. AND THE ABILITY TO DO THAT IS WHAT SEPARATES YOU FROM THE LESSER SPECIES IN THEIR BLUE SUITS.

FIGURE IT OUT.

START, EVERY TIME, WITH THIS INVIOLABLE RULE: THE SCENE MUST BE DRAMATIC. it must start because the hero HAS A PROBLEM, AND IT MUST CULMINATE WITH THE HERO FINDING HIM OR HERSELF EITHER THWARTED OR EDUCATED THAT ANOTHER WAY EXISTS.

LOOK AT YOUR LOG LINES. ANY LOGLINE READING “BOB AND SUE DISCUSS…” IS NOT DESCRIBING A DRAMATIC SCENE.

PLEASE NOTE THAT OUR OUTLINES ARE, GENERALLY, SPECTACULAR. THE DRAMA FLOWS OUT BETWEEN THE OUTLINE AND THE FIRST DRAFT.

THINK LIKE A FILMMAKER RATHER THAN A FUNCTIONARY, BECAUSE, IN TRUTH, YOU ARE MAKING THE FILM. WHAT YOU WRITE, THEY WILL SHOOT.

HERE ARE THE DANGER SIGNALS. ANY TIME TWO CHARACTERS ARE TALKING ABOUT A THIRD, THE SCENE IS A CROCK OF SHIT.

ANY TIME ANY CHARACTER IS SAYING TO ANOTHER “AS YOU KNOW”, THAT IS, TELLING ANOTHER CHARACTER WHAT YOU, THE WRITER, NEED THE AUDIENCE TO KNOW, THE SCENE IS A CROCK OF SHIT.

DO NOT WRITE A CROCK OF SHIT. WRITE A RIPPING THREE, FOUR, SEVEN MINUTE SCENE WHICH MOVES THE STORY ALONG, AND YOU CAN, VERY SOON, BUY A HOUSE IN BEL AIR AND HIRE SOMEONE TO LIVE THERE FOR YOU.

REMEMBER YOU ARE WRITING FOR A VISUAL MEDIUM. MOST TELEVISION WRITING, OURS INCLUDED, SOUNDS LIKE RADIO. THE CAMERA CAN DO THE EXPLAINING FOR YOU. LET IT. WHAT ARE THE CHARACTERS DOING -*LITERALLY*. WHAT ARE THEY HANDLING, WHAT ARE THEY READING. WHAT ARE THEY WATCHING ON TELEVISION, WHAT ARE THEY SEEING.

IF YOU PRETEND THE CHARACTERS CANT SPEAK, AND WRITE A SILENT MOVIE, YOU WILL BE WRITING GREAT DRAMA.

IF YOU DEPRIVE YOURSELF OF THE CRUTCH OF NARRATION, EXPOSITION,INDEED, OF SPEECH. YOU WILL BE FORGED TO WORK IN A NEW MEDIUM - TELLING THE STORY IN PICTURES (ALSO KNOWN AS SCREENWRITING)

THIS IS A NEW SKILL. NO ONE DOES IT NATURALLY. YOU CAN TRAIN YOURSELVES TO DO IT, BUT YOU NEED TO START.

I CLOSE WITH THE ONE THOUGHT: LOOK AT THE SCENE AND ASK YOURSELF “IS IT DRAMATIC? IS IT ESSENTIAL? DOES IT ADVANCE THE PLOT?

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY.

IF THE ANSWER IS “NO” WRITE IT AGAIN OR THROW IT OUT. IF YOU’VE GOT ANY QUESTIONS, CALL ME UP.

LOVE, DAVE MAMET
SANTA MONICA 19 OCTO 05

(IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO KNOW THE ANSWERS, BUT IT IS YOUR, AND MY, RESPONSIBILITY TO KNOW AND TO ASK THE RIGHT Questions OVER AND OVER. UNTIL IT BECOMES SECOND NATURE. I BELIEVE THEY ARE LISTED ABOVE.)

Old School Telephone AKA Previous Obsession


I think I need to make a list of all my favorite videos just to balance out my obsession with Telephone. And I'm going to start with one of most favorites-because the beginning is always a good place to start



I love this video so much. It makes me want a blue light where ever i go

Building A Hope Chest

I spend a lot of days lately looking at things--not the usual potpourri of videos and fashions, wikipedia and style blogs but of furniture stores and art prints. I find my imagination runs to redecorating the Dollhouse, to building new rooms in my head for all of the space Johhno and I will create. I buy chairs off Apartment Therapy, make wish lists on Art.com, and collect paint samples to be used later when I make my next move.

The big move

I am nesting in advance. I am suddenly entrenched within all these idea about the future and who I want and how I want it. I'm not about to throw the present day over but I can't help but be fixated on a point down the line. It puts everything in perspective like when you use that spot on the wall to keep yourself centered in tree pose. Just a place for your eyes to rest while your body does the work.

Breathe in. Breathe out

But this has also made me start to wonder about what I am willing to carry on my back going forward. It has made me reconsider what I am worth, what I am willing to take, who I am willing to bend for-it's become a short list. because for the first time I feel like I have found my self worth, I know what I am deserving of, I know what I am willing to make or break myself over. I know my value.

It's not because I landed a man either.

But it is because how Johnno makes me feel. He doesn't complete me, he doesn't fill some gaping hole of need, my life isn't any better or worse because of him. But the fact that someone like Johnno can look beyond the rough stuff-the awkwardness, the moodiness, the perfectionism,--it makes me realize that I am better than I thought. That for the first time in my life-including my family, my past in LA and beyond-I feel like I can just be myself without being worried. That the ffact that someone so good, so kind, so funny and so amazing can love me of all people must mean something is worthwhile.

So maybe it is a bit about the boy.

Knowing I have him in my corner makes things so much clearer. I am less willing to deal with people shit, I am less willing to be 2nd place with anyone, I shouldn't be chasing after anyone for love or friendship or time, because I am worth so much more. I am seeing how much I have bent or pretended, made allowances when I should have made my exit, how hungry I was for things and people that didn't care nearly one fifth as much as did.

This isn't true of everyone or everything but it is more a part of my life than I want.

So now I am learning that I have to stop myself. I am better than wasting time or energy chasing things and people that don't really want me for certain. That I am more valuable to myself when I am with people who want me there, doing things that I want to do then spending myself with uncertain people or situations. By knowing where I am going makes it much harder to take unnecessary shortcuts.

I finally get it.

But what does this mean? How does this all tie together? I think it is understanding that I am moving forward-mentally at the moment, physically in the future-that makes me sudden reassess what's worth keeping with me. I don't know where everything and everyone will end up but i do now that it won't be everything.

The hope chest isn't big enough for things I don't need.

Another Classic Video



Just so artistic if not the best song

Another Video that Grabs ME



So creepy--to this day I get weirded out by the images

Oh Man-This One Makes Me Weak



It's just so--it's just sex

Fun Fact of the Day

This comes from Lucy

Random trivia that comes up in my line of work: Fire rating codes in Paris are based on whether an item that is on fire can be thrown out the window or not. If you can pick it up and throw it out the window, it doesn't need to be treated for flame retardancy.

I don't know why but this fact amuses to no end.

Adult Moments with Rory

"Some love stories are short. But they are love stories all the same"
Lea Thompson on 'Greek'

So awhile back I wrote a long sloppy entry about how being with Johnno made me realize what I wanted in a relationship and how it made me see the flaws in my other relationships. or rather, finally put to words the way I knew the other relationships wouldn't last. I tried my best to be fair about what I thought and felt

I guess I fucked up

See Samuel and I still talk-somehow we went from a really bad breakup to a reasonable phone friendship-more so in light of how bad things got at the end. And it wasn't my intention to throw him under a bus or hurt his feelings

It's amazing what I can do without trying.

He emailed me shortly after the original posting and was rough on me but he had a point about how it could be read that I was being disrespectful to him. I was surprsied at how much the idea of hurting him affected me and after a long phone call we worked out all the kinks in our miscomunication and misunderstandings--he got what I was going for and I got what he needed to hear from me.

In the last few weeks I have been in a very balck or white mindset--you are either with me or against me, you are either my friend or a stranger, you either respect me fully or not at all... This extreme mindset put me thorugh a couple levels of hell and without the help of a handful of people I'm not sure what I would have done if let to my means. But this did help me realize something.

I'm not a open or fairminded as I would like to believe

While I think I'm not quick to make snap judgements-one of my biggest flaws is my ability to overthinking and navel gaze-once I decide something it stays decided. There are things are do not forgive or things that, once they end, use any value that they had in the first place. The few friendships I have walked away from in my life become 'fucked up dymanics' in the end and all memories and value are wiped clean. When my heart has been truly broken, the exe becomes someone who could have never loved me in the first place because they did then A, B, or C would have never happened. When things don't go my way-they become worthless

I have since started to realize that none of this is true. At the end of the day-a table is still a table, a memory's value is based on the time it captured-not in events before or after, and that just because the love didn't work out doesn't mean it was any less than real and felt in the moment.

In short?

I'm sorry Samuel. I never meant to hurt you.

The Dollhouse is Obsessed!



Let's make a sandwhich

Thanks Dusty Springfield

I spent a huge amount of energy this past few weeks trying to figure out my place in my social world. I found myself over thinking, over guessing and most importantly-over caring about every little thing. The truth is-and I should know this by now-is that anyone who have to chase to get attention, anyone who can disregard your feelings so quickly, or forget that your feelings could exist in the first place are NOT people to give your time too.

That the people who reach out to you-with emails or texts, with plans and dinners, with smiles and phone calls are the ones who you should be paying attention too. That real friendshisp don't need one person to constantly being chasing after the other one, to constant swallow their own feelings or ambitions to make it easier but instead should be the exact opposite. Friendship is hard but it shouldn't feel like work. And if it does then I am quitting it.

I'm no longer in the business of chasing after windmills in my mind.

Seriously

This weekend reminded me that I need to try and figure out better ways to handle my problems... A lot got done-which was good and needed--but a lot of it took too much energy and peace of mind away from me and, by default, the boy.

I wish I know how to better trust blindly in things. That I could just take on face value how things will work out at the end of the day. i'm not sure how to do that but would be very open to any suggestions.

Seriously

I Always Wanted to Be Rory Haim

Le sigh. I'm not surprised but that doesn't mean I can't be sad about this



That is how I will remember him.

My Job in Parody Form




And yes--this is how my job feels down to a Tee!

Swoon

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” ~~Dr. Seuss

How can you not feel a bit light headed when your boyfriend sends you cards that say things like that. I know it seems like bragging but I just can't believe there is someone in the world who loves me as much as he does.

Ever Had?

One of those weekends that puts everything in perspective? That takes all of your self doubt, your questions and your worries and instead shows you how amazing you life really is?

Between boyfriends and movies, dinners with the right people, drunkeness when least expected--this weekend reminded me that I have an amazing life filled some very awesome people. I forget how simple I am at the end of the day--a hand to hold, a conversation to shared, a toast to be made and the unexpected to be explored...

That's all I ever need to be happy.

thanks

I Can't Be Anymore Excited

6(7-1)+ Y = Exe?

I actually dread writing this. I don't mean to be overly dramatic or make a big deal; if anything I want the exact opposite. But it's getting to the point that not writing about this development seems more like an excuse for failure down the road.

I guess I am making it dramatic.

I quit smoking. Again. Not on purpose. After an uncountable number of times before.

The only difference was is that I didn't plan on quitting. It was the Sunday after Johnno's birthday party-we had just said good night and he drove into the rain from where i stood on the curb. I debate heading down to 7/11 to buy another pack of cigarettes but realized I was tired and too wet already. So I decided that just wouldn't smoke the next day and see how far I could. I packed my patches and gum into my workbag and half heartly through out my "last" cigarette pack.

What happened next is what surprised me.

I spent the next day without a craving. Not because I put on a nicotine patch to mask the symptons, not because I stuffed myself with coffeee and food to get over my oral fixation, I didn't spend the day naping either. I just forgot about smoking--no linger stares at the other smokers, no bitch moments, no mantras. I just didn't remember that I smoked.

This went on two weeks.

Around this point I was a bit weirded out. While I hadn't told anyone waht I was doing, a handful of people figured it out and I begged innocence. I was worried if I made a big deal bout it then when I fell off the wagon it would be another strike against me. I also knew that I would be cheating that day. Because I always smoke on that one day

Super Bowl Sunday

It's the nerves from the large groups. It is from the boredom that I sometimes get watching football. It's a way to ecaspe from drama and things I would rather not do but without being rude. Because most everyone excuses a smoker. The only complication was that Johnno knew what I was up to and we discussed how to handle it. I told him to stop me if I smoked and he was willing. I just ran circles around him instaed.

Which is not cool.

But the next day-waking up and feeling so grosss. Knowing that I guilted Johnno into letting me make bad choices. The sadness of knowing how well I had been doing. It made me sit back and think about what i really wanted. I wanted to quit-not because I was told to by doctors, or that I wanted to be more attractive to meet people, or because my friends were all doing it. I did it because the future I wanted for myself has changed.

I want to be better in the long run.

And since then it has been another 4 plus weeks with no smoking. No crazy cravings, no stalking smokers to get the smell or a drag, no need for patches or gum. I just don't want any of that habit anymore.

That and Nolan quit like a year ago and I am so better at giving up things than he is.

237—227 Plus 10

Jaq’s almost gone.

I have mentioned Jaq from time to time here in the blog. She has always been just a slight touch of the circles on my social Venn diagram—Emerson connected, some common LA friends but most of she ahs been my neighbor for about the ten years.

But now she is moving on.

I cannot help but be more than a bit bummed about this. It’s not like Jaq and I were super close, we didn’t spend every weekend night together, we didn’t do foolishly long email chains or snappy little texts at bars. We would randomly just stumble in and out of each other’s lives—for late night outfit checks, bottles of wine on balmy summer nights, unemployment swims and late night check ins. We would touch base at the most random times-for things like packages or apartment problems but we also would use each other as outside confidants.

This is something I am severely lacking. This is something kind of nice about having people outside of your social day to day to help give perspective and clarity on what is going on. There’s no fear of things being repeated or other agendas being pushed because the only person that either one of us was invested in was in each other.

So we could talk about all the little things you have to let slide when you run in a group—there’s no self censoring and no feeling of obligations. When Jaq and I spent time together it was unexpected and novel and just easy—I felt like I didn’t have to worry.

(This is not to say that I worry all the time with my other friends but sometimes-as with working out, dating, sex, drinking and other odd and ends—you just need a detox for a bit)

And without her (And Naomi. And Ruby. And Chloe) being so close and just a knock away—I can’t help but feel a bit sad. I’ll miss out on having that sounding board. I could use it right now

But I won’t miss out on her cats. Those things were vicious.

This Wretches My Guts Out

Having grown up with a hockey family-a dad who heped coach, a brother who payed well and for a good team, I feel like I get so much about this article. It's even more gut wrenching when you know how it works out.

'We love you, this won't change a thing'

By John Buccigross
ESPN.com
Archive

"I hope the day comes, and soon, when this is not a story." -- Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke

Imagine this.

Well before you are born, your dad plays college hockey at Providence College and wears the "C" for Friars coach and Hockey Hall of Famer Lou Lamoriello. Your dad is then a member of the Calder Cup-winning Maine Mariners AHL team. He admits to having little skill, but contributes rough and tough qualities. You know, like pugnacity, testosterone, truculence and belligerence. He's a man, baby.

Dad is also driven. And smart. He quickly retires from pro hockey. He knows he will make the NHL only with his brain and mental brawn. He earns a law degree from Harvard in 1981, then practices law in Boston for the next six years, representing professional hockey players before joining the Vancouver Canucks in 1987 as vice president and director of hockey operations. He has made the NHL. You are born a year later in Vancouver, British Columbia, in December 1988.

Dad is GM of the Hartford Whalers for a season as a 37-year-old before joining the NHL front office as senior vice president and director of hockey operations under commissioner Gary Bettman in September 1993, staying until 1998. Dad and Mom divorce in 1995, and, as a 9-year old, you move to Boston with Mom in 1997.

Dad then begins a six-year stint on the other side of the continent as president and general manager of the Vancouver Canucks. Meanwhile, you play hockey while growing up in the Boston area, and you are a goalie. You love Dominik Hasek and still believe he is the best of all time. Dad tries to see you play whenever he can. Goalie is a comfortable position for you on the ice, looking out and hiding behind a mask.

You eventually attend Xaverian Brothers High School, a prep school in Westwood, Mass., and make the competitive varsity hockey team as a senior, but choose not to play. You say it is because you don't think you would get enough playing time and you are upset at the coach. But you actually don't play because you don't think you can go another season without someone finding out your secret.

Your hockey career is over.

"Middle school and early high school is the first time I remember thinking that I could be gay, but I definitely tried to ignore it and didn't want to seriously consider it. It's pretty easy to try and convince yourself that it's not true, but it won't work, ever." -- Brendan Burke

You go on to attend Miami University in Oxford, Ohio, after your guidance counselor recommends the school. Miami is well known for being academically challenging and having one of the more visually idyllic campuses in the country. It doesn't disappoint. The brick buildings and brand-new hockey rink make the small town feel like what college should feel like. Like an old Hollywood movie set. Ohio is a friendly place with warm people who smile a lot and like to get together in groups and laugh. You fit right in. You've made a great decision.

You especially enjoy the Miami hockey program constructed by coach Enrico Blasi. You are involved as a student manager. Blasi demands his program and its culture be grounded in family. He calls it the Miami hockey brotherhood. The mission is to be the best one can be every day with a vision to become a champion in everything one does, on and off the ice. Miami's focus is on three things: relationships, daily behaviors and accountability. You watch and break down the pre-scout videos. You also keep most of the goalie statistics and prepare all the best clips for highlight videos.

While you're at Miami, Dad is now in Southern California as executive vice president and general manager for Anaheim and the Ducks win it all in 2007. You drink out of the Stanley Cup with Pops in the Anaheim dressing room. You love your father, you're proud of him, but you are hiding something from him that you will soon hide no more.

In 2008, Dad is chosen as general manager of the 2010 U.S. Olympic hockey team and named a recipient of the 2008 Lester Patrick Trophy for outstanding service to hockey in the United States. His résumé is relentless. Today, Dad runs the most profitable NHL team, the Toronto Maple Leafs, and is, without question, one of hockey's more magnetic and interesting characters along with Don Cherry and Alex Ovechkin. Dad televises well.

So, imagine, this is your father. You? Probably destined to be "Burkie's boy" in Canada even if you resurrected George Harrison and John Lennon and reunited The Beatles. Imagine.

"Brendan is an incredible kid. He and I are incredibly close, even for brothers. In most families, the older brother overshadows the younger brother, but not ours. We went to the same high school and people there still refer to me as "Brendan's brother."

He's exceptionally smart, funny, motivated, successful and happy. He has an incredible way with people.

There's a genuine kindness about him that really resonates with people. It's a gift I'm very jealous of." -- Patrick Burke, Brendan's brother, now a scout with the Philadelphia Flyers

Your dad thinks through everything. Dad is big, confident and continuously radiates a persona that is rough, gruff, unrelenting and unapologetic. He has a cold, expressionless poker face straight out of a Clint Eastwood movie. Yet, he does this all with the most subtle of Irish smirks that says there is more behind this thick skin. And there is. He calls you "Moose" because you have always been a big kid. He cares very deeply about you and your happiness. You say he has always been there when you needed him. And he has a great sense of humor. Imagine that.

But on this night in 2007, you are petrified of your dad. Because you, Brendan Burke, at 19 years old, are about to tell your dad, Mr. Testosterone, that you are gay.

Olympic team GM Brian Burke: 'I wish this burden would fall on someone else's shoulders, not Brendan's.'

It is Dec. 30, 2007, and you are in Vancouver with Dad for the holidays to break the news. His new family lives in Vancouver, and his Ducks are in town. You go to the Canucks-Ducks game, and, obviously, Dad is pretty emphatic about wanting to beat Vancouver, his former employer. You root like hell for the Ducks to win so he is in a good mood. But the Ducks lose 2-1. Of course, Daniel Sedin scores a goal against Anaheim, and his brother Henrik adds two assists to help beat Dad, the man who traded for the twins' draft rights in 1999 while he was running the Canucks.

You almost don't tell your dad and stepmom as a result of the loss. But you are flying back to Boston the next morning and you want to tell them in person. You feel as if you are going to throw up as you pace the hallways of their condominium. Just as your stepmom is about to go to bed, your younger sister, Molly, grabs you by the wrist and directs you where to go and gives you a look that says, "You can do it. Get it done now. I'm here for you."

Just a week before, your older sister, Katie, is the first family member you tell. You had targeted telling your family at Thanksgiving but got salmonella and spent the entire week in the hospital. So you push back your announcement to Christmas.

You are driving home from a family event in Marlboro, Mass., when you decide you want to say it during the car ride. Finally, after a 45-minute ride, you pass the city limits sign of Boston and you know you have to tell Katie. It is incredibly difficult, but your sister is very supportive. Of course she is, you tell yourself, she's Katie. That same night, you tell Molly and your mom. Everyone is great. Mom tells you she isn't surprised and had expected it from the time you were a little kid. Moms.

You tell your brother, Patrick, a day or two later. Patrick turns off the car blaring "The Hold Steady" CD, and you tell him as you are walking out to the car to bring in bags. Patrick, like Dad, never one to be fazed, says something along the lines of, "I love you. This doesn't change anything. Now pick up that suitcase and bring it inside."

But, now, telling your secret to Dad is another story. Molly's reassuring hand guides you to the couch for the moment of truth. It's time to tell Dad, a most public example of hockey machismo, that you are gay.

Finally, you say it. Awkwardly. You basically stumble along trying not to make it a big deal before just blurting out, "And I love you guys and wanted to tell you that I'm gay."

There is a brief silence.

Dad is surprised when you tell him that you are gay. He never suspected at all.

Your stepmom speaks first: "OK, Brendan, that's OK." And gives you a reassuring smile. Then your dad says, "Of course, we still love you. This won't change a thing."

Your dad and stepmom both get up and hug you and say they love you. You and your dad then sit there alone for about 15 more minutes watching hockey. Your heart rate is still at a snow-shoveling level. You then hug Dad again, and you go to bed.

But now, questions arise:

1. What about Dad's reaction the next day and beyond?

2. How will Miami react to a young, gay man working on the hockey team?

3. Can an openly gay man play or work for a hockey team?

"I had a million good reasons to love and admire Brendan. This news didn't alter any of them.

I would prefer Brendan hadn't decided to discuss this issue in this very public manner. There will be a great deal of reaction, and I fear a large portion will be negative. But this takes guts, and I admire Brendan greatly, and happily march arm in arm with him on this.

There are gay men in professional hockey. We would be fools to think otherwise. And it's sad that they feel the need to conceal this. I understand why they do so, however.

Can a gay man advance in professional hockey? He can if he works for the Toronto Maple Leafs! Or for Miami University Hockey. God bless Rico Blasi! And I am certain these two organizations are not alone here.

I wish this burden would fall on someone else's shoulders, not Brendan's. Pioneers are often misunderstood and mistrusted. But since he wishes to blaze this trail, I stand beside him with an axe! I simply could not be more proud of Brendan than I am, and I love him as much as I admire him." -- Brian Burke

Reverse skate.

The real reason you choose not to play your senior year is because the atmosphere in the locker room gets progressively harder to deal with as you get older. Homophobic slurs become as commonplace as rolls of hockey tape. Pressure to hook up with girls gets more intense. You are really upset for a couple of months. Your mom later tells you she thought you were depressed. Back then, she keeps asking you if something is wrong, but you don't want to talk about it with anyone.

You say gay slurs have a direct impact on gay people in the area where they are said. You sincerely believe the majority of people who use gay slurs don't mean them to be offensive; they just don't realize the words' meaning and don't think there might be a gay person sitting right next to them. Questions 2 and 3 cause you some concern.

Miami coach Enrico Blasi said having Brendan Burke as part of his hockey team's staff has been 'a blessing.'

Miami, the No. 1-ranked team in college hockey right now, refers to itself as "The Brotherhood," and Coach Blasi means it when he says it. You say the players on Miami hockey teams are truly unlike most hockey players you've met. It's a group of genuine, intelligent, good guys. They don't have to, but they make you feel like a part of the team. Their families treat you as if you are one of their sons.

As you start to become better friends with the players and coaches, it becomes more difficult to hide your true sexuality. You are developing genuine friendships with many, and it feels like a huge part of it is missing because you aren't being honest with them. You feel, in some ways, as if you are disrespecting the Brotherhood philosophy Miami is based on.

The RedHawks take you with them to the NCAA regional tournament in Minnesota this past March, where they beat Minnesota-Duluth and Denver to advance to the Frozen Four for the first time in history.

As far as amazing life experiences go, being at the Frozen Four in Washington, D.C., is right up there with being in the locker room after the Ducks won the Cup. In between the first round and the Frozen Four, you tell one of the Miami players you are gay. Another player figures it out on the morning of the national championship game, and you have to pull him aside and tell him not to tell anyone before the game. You don't want it to be a distraction. You ask him to wait 12 hours after the game; then he can tell whomever he wants.

After the heartbreaking overtime loss to Boston University, and mainly by word of mouth, your news gets around to the whole team. There isn't a big emotional sit-down talk, although you do speak with some of the guys personally. The general response is "OK, Burkie's gay. Who cares? Pass the beer nuts."

About a week later, you approach your boss, the director of hockey operations for Miami, Nick Petraglia, and tell him. Then, a few days later, you tell Coach Blasi. You are pretty sure one of the players told them both in advance to give them a heads-up, but neither cares, and both are incredibly supportive.

Blasi says that having you as part of Miami's program is a blessing and everyone is much more aware of what they say and how they say it. He says he is as guilty as anyone and everyone needs to be reminded that respect is not a label but something people earn by the way they live their life. Coach Blasi says you are a great student and an even better person. You say Coach Blasi is a great coach and an even better person.

"Brendan is a great guy, personable and caring. As student manager, he is involved in a lot of things for us -- video, stats and community service, to name a few of his duties.

To my knowledge, there has been nothing negative [since he came out to us]. I think it goes along the lines that Brendan is part of our family. Everyone respects Brendan, and that's all that really matters.

The players are awesome. They are very sensitive to language and how we talk in the locker room. Again, it goes back to our culture and working on relationships and behaviors.

[As far as whether a player could come out and be able to function like a normal college player], that's a tough one and I don't want to speak for any other program. As far as Miami is concerned, we are about the person. I believe we would be accepting and honestly not even think twice about it.

I think having Brendan as part of our program has been a blessing. We are much more aware of what you say and how we say it. I am guilty as anyone. We need to be reminded that respect is not a label, but something you earn by the way you live your life." -- Miami University hockey coach Enrico Blasi

The attitude across the team is pretty much the same: "Who cares?" or "I don't understand why this is even an issue." Players you don't even expect to be supportive are. You say it is proof this kind of thing can happen in other places, too. You wish you could say that gay slurs have been banished from the Miami dressing room. It hasn't happened yet, although serious progress has been made and one player in particular has made it a personal crusade.

But now that you are "out," can you successfully pursue a job in hockey, specifically in the NHL, if that is a wish?

You are applying to law schools right now. Hockey management and politics are two things you care about the most, and a law degree is required for both, so it leaves the door open for either. You say you would be lying if you said you don't think sexual orientation affects a job in pro hockey. You believe it would make some things more difficult. There are going to be people who aren't comfortable knowing they are working with a gay person.

"He's incredibly brave. He went back to our all-boys high school and gave a speech about the struggles gay teenagers go through and got a standing ovation from 200 kids who spend half their time insulting anyone different than them.

In so many ways, I look up to him for who he is and what he does.

Obviously, there are gay players in hockey right now, just no openly gay ones. And there are gay people in management, whether they're scouts or front-office people or coaches. We just don't have any openly gay ones right now. I think it will be a challenge for the first person that comes out, because they'll be putting themselves under a microscope.

The scary thing for me is that it might be Brendan, if he chooses to go into hockey. I don't think it's fair the face of homosexuality in hockey should be a 20-year-old college kid, but Brendan is more than willing to be the guy, which awes me. I think it's a matter of when, not if, players and management start coming out." -- Patrick Burke

At this point, you are still undecided about your career options. Although you think there definitely would be challenges to being openly gay and working in hockey, you also think hockey is ready for it. There has been a lot of discussion about when a current player will come out. You've always viewed most hockey fans as being very well educated and accepting of diversity. You say fans are much more focused on the on-ice product than on the sexual orientation of players or management, and you say hockey is too good to be dragged down by this.

Brendan Burke
The Burke FamilyBrendan says his family, including father Brian, has been completely supportive since he told them he was gay.

You believe that if an NHL player came out today, he would face a unique set of challenges but would generally be supported. He might face more verbal abuse from opposing fans, but you believe the overwhelming sentiment would be, "If he can play hockey, who cares?" That's the perspective you've encountered at Miami. You say a good way to start would be for ex-NHL players who are gay to be more vocal and talk about their experiences and challenges.

Whatever happens in your life, whatever career path you choose, you know Dad is in your corner. His long shadow of a hockey résumé that once looked like a crutch might now prove to be just the thing you and others need -- a powerful and eloquent voice shouting from the mountaintops.

This is far and away more than what you personally expected from your hockey-famous Dad as you prepared coming out to him. When people ask you about your dad's reaction to your Vancouver sit-down, you initially say, "He's been great, but I don't think we'll see him at any gay pride parades any time soon. But he has been really supportive."

So, you are startled this past summer when you get a call from Dad saying, "Hey, Toronto Pride is this weekend, you should fly up." So, sure enough, you fly up, and you and Dad go to the Toronto Pride Parade together.

If someone had told you before coming out that your dad, Brian Burke, would be attending a gay pride parade with you, you wouldn't have believed it. You never suspected Dad would disown you or anything like that, but the way he has handled it and the way he talks about it now has, honestly, really moved you. He was a little awkward about it at first. Today, he doesn't even think twice about it.

You want it known that he has been 100 percent supportive of you. It's important to you that people know that even the president and GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs, who has a less than sunny public personality, has a gay son and is a firm supporter of gay rights.

Imagine that.

"Imagine if I was in the opposite situation, with a family that wouldn't accept me, working for a sports team where I knew I couldn't come out because I'd be fired or ostracized. People in that situation deserve to know that they can feel safe, that sports isn't all homophobic and that there are plenty of people in sports who accept people for who they are." -- Brendan Burke

What is so said is that Brendan died in a car accident just earlier this past month, before his father left to be the USA Hockey coach. It just makes me feel so wretched. So sad.