Kissing Is For Fools?

So I haven’t really talked about what happened after the wrap party last week with Chance. I guess I am just not sure what to say or do with the night’s events and am worried that not only is this a rehashing of last year for myself but for everyone who reads this blog—and I don’t know if there has been any true forward movement.

The thing is that I did what I wanted to do last year at this time—and did later at the Halloween party—which was to basically ask Chance flat out if he liked me. I mean—when the straight boys at work like Stone and Denny are noticing then it is time to just get it all out in the open and own up to what I have been feeling al summer. A lingering chemistry between us that just sits there, a kind of longing mixed with liking that needed to be addressed—and Chance admitted that it was still there.

And I found out lot more—like how he does still like me and that he was confused last year by me and felt that I was just playing hot and cold with him. That he wasn’t sure if I was really into him and what I wanted from the situation because one minute I was trying to call and send e-mails and the next he is just on random mass mailing lists with no personal contact at all.

That his concerns where less than the things brought up by Anita last year or about him being in San Dimas and me in Studio City but more about how his life is just built different than mine. He was honest that his band is a huge part of his life and that his weekends belong to the band and the traveling and the music and the show because that is what he loves to do which I totally get but means that most of times when I tried to include him in stuff or invite him to parties he couldn’t do them and wouldn’t ever really be able to.

I also learned how scared he is to trust in me and that he doesn’t get why I would like him at all and that he thinks I am seven shades of dumb for thinking that he is just all bright and shiny while he is running around thinking I am fabulous which I don’t get at all and which I tried to explain that makes us even but he just seemed so thrown by the whole “I really like you and want to try and date you” thing. Which I get and understand.

I know that if this is to go anywhere that we both really have to try and that he needs to believe that I do like him and I do want to see where this goes but I am scared of coming off as being “too into him” and scaring him away with my aggressive approach or that I will get in too deep and allow myself to like him as much as I already kind of do and then I will be really hurt when he is not interested.

The thing is that I know that either way I have to call him today—either to try and make more of an effort or to just let this all go and move on. I don’t know which is better and which will be harder and which will hurt more. It just feels like a deadline that I don’t know how to deal with.

I just wish we hadn’t spent a good part of those three hours outside my building making out and holding hands because it just makes everything seem more important and thus scarier.