I Wanna Be A Brian...

So I have been watching a lot of "Queer As Folk" lately--American version--the one birthday present I bought myself this year. This brings back some odd memories of my past with Enrique and his roommate Mickey and our weird relationship--which all started around the same time as "QAF" did.

The thing about "QAF" is when it started it was trendy to compare yourself to one of the boys of the show--Michael who is the sweet but clueless fool, Justin the freshly out little siren and the finally Brian the sexy, dirty, break your heart guy. After each episode we would talk about the stories and what was going on and make little comparisons to ourselves.

I, of course, wanted to be like Michael and be all cute and romantic and the sweet guy next door. Enrique and Mickey always swore I was like Justin--a bratty little blond who runs around and raising hell--which is secretly cool because it's like wanting to be Samantha and being told that you are a Carrie ala "Sex in the City". It's cool because that is what everyone wants to be like. (I also proved my Justin tendencies by working way through an apartment sexually.)

Watching the show now--I see things a bit different. I see that the point of Michael is that he is a fool and that he is not really meant to be happy--at least at first. Justin is madly in love with a guy he can't love and is naive enough to believe that sex and sarcasm will make it all work out.

But Brian is the one who I get the most now. He walks through the show with no qualms about what he wants--he may be blunt and shallow but he is also the most honest when it comes to his feelings and what he is. When Brian breaks Justin's heart the first season it is actually an act of kindness because Brian knows he can't be what Justin needs.

Something I can see now is that while Michael is running around and taking care of everyone and being sweet and kind and Justin is all about being in love and figuring it out and being awkward and greedy and then there is Brian. Brian makes no apologies for who he is and what he wants--even if it is sex or money or loyalty. Brian owns his choices and his mistakes in a way that no one around him does.

I used to find the idea of Brian upsetting and awful and just kind of off but now I can see the value of being like that. Of owning what you want, being true to who you are and not needing it to fulfill anything for anyone else. Realizing that you are the only one who can make yourself happy for sure and that it is fine to be like that.