Sometimes I Just Shouldn’t

I’m not huge believer in tarot cards, psychics or fortunetellers. I say not huge because I have two rather odd experiences that make me open to the possibilities—things that would be extremely hard to explain away and so I leave myself open. Which is why I own tarot cards.

I don’t ever really use them—I keep them because it seems a bad idea to throw them out or give them away to someone who doesn’t believe. I forget periodically that I have them but stumble across them as I look through my books or cds and I just move them out of the way to keep them hidden. I think people would make fun of me if I knew I had them.

The only reason the cards are even important was because of the Prom. We had a Mardi Gras them and so I used them for one of the tables at the event. Some of the guests played with them and the ouji board and even the magic eight ball as I spent the evening spinning music for the event. They ended up being thrown in a random bag as the evening ended and we cleaned up the party. I got them back tonight.

They were in the bottom of the third bag, beneath a slew of candles and string lights, so I just left them on the table as I put everything away. Afterwards I just stared at them and decided to just play with them for a bit; I was still tipsy from Lola and Rocky’s housewarming and curiosity got the best of me. I asked them random stupid questions about work and my friends and even my roommate. I was just playing around.

Then I asked about the boy. Surprised? I’m not. I shouldn’t have done it; just seems so silly and weak and stupid. I have already been burned by the situation and just because he is kind and nice and funny and sweet and bright and shiny doesn’t—doesn’t change anything. My head says to let it go and my heart still wants what it wants which is pathetic. Truly so.

And even as I flipped the cards I told myself they didn’t matter, that they wouldn’t change anything and I shouldn’t care. Of course they all said “yes”. Sometimes I just shouldn’t and leave well enough alone.