The Rules of Social Engagement?

Every so often something happens to make me wish I had a clue. Normally I'm quite smart—if I say so myself—I can talk hockey, books, film, criminology, interior design, politics and even soap operas for hours on end but put me in front of any unknown male and stupidity reigns.

It can happen to me anywhere; at a bar getting drinks, the Gap in Vegas, talking with some guy at a party or even on a smoke break with new co-workers. I will eventually have a random conversation with some guy I don’t know well and there will be a moment where I will wonder, “Where is this going?”. Now I won’t say that every guy this happens with is gay or even flirting with me if he is but I just don’t know.

Like the other day—I was coming out of the gym, showered and tired, in shorts and a t-shirt and just waiting for the elevator. I was studying myself in the mirror and trying to not look to run over when another guy joined me to wait. I noticed that he was studying me and so I studied him back—cute, young, works for the gym and we had a moment of eyes catching and, of course, I looked away.

After a beat the elevator opened and we entered the car—just standing in complete silence as we started to go down. I adjusted my backpack, in the process turning to face Gym Boy who smiled and laughed. “We’re wearing the same shorts.” I realized he was right and smiled back as fell into silence. The elevator opened and I waited for him to exit but he didn’t move—turns out he was going up and just decided to ride the elevator down to get back up. Why he did this I don’t know but we had another moment of smiling eye contact.

Now some of my friends would call this flirting—he opened the conversation, lot of eye contact and random fashion comments. Others would say he was just being nice and found the coincidence funny and decided to point it out. I don’t know though—and I never seem to which can be a huge detractor when it comes to meeting and dating guys.

Which caused me to wonder—how are gay and lesbians supposed to learn the rules of social engagement? When I look back at high school, middle school and even younger I can see how my straight friends learn to flirt, interact and date—they have images in film, books and television but it’s even more than just that. Most of them had social training—whether it be Mom telling their daughter’s how to get a boy’s attention or father’s explaining to their son’s how to ask a girl out.

They have the pressure of prom in high school, spin the bottle in middle school, and even stealing kisses on the playground. Boys and girls learn about dating in health class, take dance classes in gym and get amused looks as they chase each other around during recess while gays and lesbians have only 2 choices; play along or sit it out and hope no one notices.

So when we step out of the closet and into the gay world and we just don’t know what we’re doing. We don’t know how to flirt, how to combine the looks factor of girls and the aggressiveness of males, who’s really supposed to do the asking and who’s doing the waiting to be asked. We end up with the bodies of adults and the mentality of children—unable to know how to start the relationship process.

What I’d like to suggest is a bunch of prominent gay and lesbians get together and draw up some rules of engagement for the rest of us. Maybe Melissa Etheridge, Rupert Everett, or Ellen DeGeneris could just team up and figure out the best way to flirt, date and relate within the community. People could follow a list and be divided—the asker and askee, flirter and flirtee—kind of like the top/bottom, giver/receiver. Or maybe we could decide to trade off; I ask out one guy and the next guy asks me out so we all carry the load. But that seems too logical and personal so maybe we could redevelop the hankie code.

Until we figure out how to do that, though, I’m going to be still trying to figure out and making an ass of myself with flirty waiters, cute neighbors and random strangers all around the town. But if you see me coming and what to start something then maybe wink and I’ll ask you out. Unless it’s your turn to do the asking.