Mr. DeMille, I hate my Close Up...

So I did a favor--got tricked into it, blind sided and just guilted. I acted in a shot for Kirby. Not crowd scene, not extra, lead chcracter. And I didn't want to do it.

Of course, it was something that I had written and something that had a gay character thus I was cast... I guess I shoudln't be surprised by this type of thing but I was. I felt like it was either me or nothing would get made and I would be the bad person in the situtation.

Which leads to me feeling awkward and fat and on tape. I wonder if I would care as much if I looked better... I just feel fat and though I try I just can't seems to make any forward movemnet and so then I just get very into myself. And doing something that is all about look at me is not the perfect ideal.

But the actual filming was fine. There was wine galore to drink, Ruby was great to be partnered with and Lise was just very direct and strong and supportive. And it was fun time, especially playing the stricken victim of a run away newspaper. Good times.

But I will never see it. People may say I was good or tell me that they like it but I will never know. The ideal of watching myself makes me want to curl into a ball and die. (okay--a little overdone but...) Of course, given current trends--they may force me to watch it anyhow.