Chloe has left the Lido

Chloe moved up the coast and into her dreams this past Friday and my head has been kind of strange since then. It's not jealous on my part or even that I'm too upset (though I did cry a little on the subway which seems to be a trend in my life) I guess it was just a realiztion of sorts.

Ifelt bad because I realized that I hadn't spent enough time with Chloe, put as much effort in, treated her as well as I should have. I could have come over the hill more, shared more chia teas and nights at Goldfingers, more days of bad Pax tv and homemade meat balls. But I didn't...

And what makes me feel worse is the fact that if I was neglectful with Chloe then I was double with Lucy during her LA journey... I didn't know how to face my fear, not only of public transport but the thought that she was changing into someone I couldn't be and going place I couldn't or shuldn't. So instead of trying to see if our frienship could change with this--I stopped coming around at all...

I feel guilty about this, my lack of trying, my willingness to just let go, hitting the law of my limits within not a friendship but myself.

And as I walked away from the corner of Wilcox and Yucca--one last look at the Playboy Liquor and Goldfingers and all the little bits of their lives that I was allowed to share in--I couldn't help but feel upset at much I missed and lost out on. How much I wasn't there or a good friend. As I say good bye to the Lido Ladies--part wants to say I'm sorry but not being more, doing more. Something I think that a lot of my friends deserve better.