The Post-Holiday Begins....

YOu can tell that it's the end of the holidays when you get back to the usual things... Went food shopping and managed to stock up on only healthy foods.. Let's see how long this lasts and whether it has any effects on chubby Rory, eh? I also managed to clean the apartment up just in time for Mac to come home and not realize that I have been pigging out and wearing pjs for the last week. Though I do have to go to Ieka soon...the two lamps in the living rom died... What are the chances?! Still have a holiday e-mail to send and thank-yous to write and small gifts to give but that's all easy stuff...

But before I write off the entire season...along comes New Years.... New Years is my favorite of all holidays, mostly because it involves cute outfits, heavy drinking, dancing and a little reflection... It was also the only holiday that my parents could mess up as a child... There were always parties and people just chill and no fighting about where to go, who's family to see and all that drama. I have already picked out the outfit....made a game plan of events and am eager to catch up with everyone after their holiday travels..... I have a few resolutions for the new year and things to plan...

Hopefully you all have had a great time this past season and will continue to enjoy yourselves for at least the next couple of months....

Christmas Day and everything is fun..... Had a good phone talk with both Mom and Dad... Which was kind of interesting and different for me at least... Mom gave me some good gifts and even made me laugh.... She sent me pictures of her and Meggie from Halloween and I cracked up... They dressed as Winnine the Pooh and a Honey pot.... LOL Well worth the wait...

The day itself was fine with the exception of some drama... Lizzy and Willis fighting... Tension at Cissy's dinner for a little bit... But we all got over it and had fun... And as I said to Willis--"what's a holiday without drama anyways?" Food was great and everyone was really chilling after the meal... Cissy gave me a cute brown striped poor boy's hat... It is nice and cool looking...

So, the holiday was fun and entertaining and good all around. I hope you all had as much fun as I did....

Merry Christmas....

Just back from Lizzy's place where wildness reins... Christmas Eve brunch lasted all day and had tons of people and tons of fun... Willis, Dack, Bess, Mickey, Regine, Natalie.... We all drank, ate tons of food, watched movies, and talked about everything... I now know too much about the sex lives of ton of my friends but it was wild and crazy and the perfect way to forget that we weren't with our families... I did leave for a bit for something a little racy and learned that I can be surprised and became the "other woman" for the first time ever... LOL. Merry freaking christmas rory....

The best thing about the whole day was getting to know people like Mickey and Dack.. Learned a new drinking game as well... Good times.... I hope that today is just as fun... I also got the best presnt from Kelly and Lizzy... Towels for the new bathroom design... Awesome!

Every twist of the kaleidoscope...

So Saturday was the misfit christams dinner at the boys house.... Just the few of us that were still around or staying in LA during the holiday... Me, Lizzie, Kelly, Jonesy, Benji, Penn, Nick, Priscilla, Ronn and Cissy and a few other people....

It started off in a weird way--I called Lizzy and Kelly early in the afternoon, just having got out of the shower but waiting a time table for the day.. To my surprise, Lizzie today me that Kelly was going to the house early... So I ran and got dressed without even thinking about the chances of who would be there...

So we showed up at the house and it is just Nick and Priscilla, having breakfast... This was weird because of not only my tension with Nick but because of Priscilla.... She was one of Edie and mine's roommates and was just an odd living situtation... I didn't know her well but was always able to have a nice fun conversation with her and Edie was good friends with her... And then she moved in with us and was quite and kind of rude and never really said a word to either of us. It was akward because we both really liked her but she was so strange to live with.... Then when Benji and Lizzie broke up, Priscilla started dating Benji very shortly afterward which startled all of us.... The entire "don't date your friends exes" thing

Imagine me and Kelly just hanging with these two.. But it gets better... Kelly starts cooking (which I suck at) and has plenty of stuff to do while I just kind of stand there looking all types of stupid... And Nick and Priscilla weren't really happy to have us there considering they had stuff to do... I offered to help set up the tables and clean and they wouldn't let me. Me just standing there....

Then Kelly realized she had to go to the store and get more supplies while Priscilla went and hid in her room. So just me and Nick hanging in the kitchen... And then the X-mas suprise... Nick and I were not only able to talk but had a fun coinversation... Nothing to deep or anything--mostly about Edie and her travels and other random things... It was nice and kewl and I was happy that there was no tension...

And that vibe continued the rest of the night.... And I ended up cooking... I know, I know... I made gravy and helped with the dressing and did great. Nothing burned or got sick... And the group had fun and ate their fill... We all got along and interesting conversations and all that stuff. Cissy's friend Regine asked me if I would be interested in meeting her brother... He's older and jewish (I think) but I'm thinking about it... Though I wonder if it's rude to ask to see him first... But that aside... Life was fun!!! And now I can't wait for New Year's at the boys house.....

Holiday hum-drums....

So I had one of those days... Just really sad and weird and very borderline teary... These bouts don't strike me very often but when they hit it is hard to stick my pieces together... I don't know if they are tiggered by the holidays or some random combination of events but... When they hit, I just can't seem to work my way out of them and either drop out of social events and hide or force myself through the everyday things I have to do...

I know that some people might call this depression but I prefer to think out it as Melencohly... Kind of like a Jane Austen character... Just strike random piano keys in a deserted drawing room and pining for something that I cannot find words for... And it just feels like a wind blowing through everything and makes it hard to think of anything except all the suffering in the world... God, I'm depressing on a world wide web...

Okay... So just when I thought it was safe to socialize.... The return of Nick... I went to Kelly and Lizzie's for cookies, Christmas trees and lattaks... Imagine to my surprise when Nick showed up--he never comes to our parties--but then hey, he was getting a present and stuff.... SO the whole time I tried to avoid him because I wasn''t feeling up to trying to talk and getting shot down....

He briefly joined Davis and me on the porch as we smoked and it was quite awkward, mostly cause I had gone outside to avoid this. So, momments of silence then a brief talk about Ginn and then off he went inside.

The rest of the evening was fun and then he left to go to work/bed. As he was leaving he had no chocie but to talk to me.... After all he asid good-bye to everyone in the room and it would have been bad form to leave me out. So, as he says bye/happy holidays, I look at him and smile and say "I'll see you on Saturday at the dinner, right?" He was startled, I was nice and now I have to figure out whether or not we are talking or if I'll have to avoid him at the dinner. Small groups make this hard but I have hope....LOL

So tonight was the annual Christmas fun at Cissy and Ron's house.... The usual mix of people that you don't see the rest of the year for whatever reason... Light gossip and phone calls from those out of town but still in our thoughts... I managed to not only hang out with Satin... But to have fun with Stacy, Tyg's girlfriend. He and I had a long talk about the birthday fiasco and how it was kind oif messed up... But all is good with a lot of hugs and even some tears. And there wasn't the Kelly/Tyg tension from last year so....

But of course, there was the Nick tension. I don't know how much I have really written about him but here's the low down.... Nick was been a part of our group of friends for years and I have spent time with him off and on during them. He's a funny, life of the party type guy. He reminds me alot of Edie with his adventerous personality. I always wanted to be friends with him more than just part of the group but he also is quite vocal about who deos and doesn't like and so that kind of kept me away from him...

About two years ago, there was a lot of guessing about his sexuality and some thing I was always asked about. I never really thought much about it--I didn't know him very well and everyone's reasoning for the questions was kind of odd. Just because someone doesn't date alot or isn't verbal about their crushes does not a homosexual make. Then there was the night when things got strange... A group of us went to a bar for a birthday and there was a lot of drinking and carousing and well... Nicky porceeded to hit on Edie, Lizzie, Kelly... Kind of sleazy yet joking and I made fun of him... His response was to look at me (straight in th eyes) ask whether I was "jealous" and I shouldn't be...there was plenty of him to go around. It was quite odd and something that I still was thinking about later that night...

Well, low and behold, a couple of months later Nick came out. This was an odd event and one that I felt strange in being apart of... He told most of the girls and me that night and it was rather intense but I was proud of him... (if not abit confused....) Later that night, I left him a note on his door before leaving, offering myself as a sounding board if he needed one--this group can be kind of hard at times and one of the people he had yet to come out was someone I had a hard time coming out too...

This is where trouble entered the stage.... We went out a few times by ourselves and just talked about things. There was no subtext, no lingering looks but just two people talking and becoming friends. We did keep it on the downlow because of how people talk but it was just talk and nothing more. And then I opened my big mouth... I realize that he and I had a lot in common, that we wanted some of the same things... I mused outloud to couple of people that I was a little attrached to him but BUT it was not something that was going to happen. Mostly cause he had just came out of the closet and needed to deal not only with telling people but to go off and party and experiement. Not to have a instant boyfriend...

Of course, I should have know better than to say this out loud but... Needless to say, word got back to him and then suddenly we weren't friends so much as I was the guy with crush, eating my heart while all he wanted was support... And it became tense and weird... So after awhile of all of this, I decided to stand up for myself and managed to do this on New Years, at a party, while drinking (I know, I Know...) Well the talk went wwlll and we managed to clear up alot of things.... Unfortunatly I should have left when the going was good but instead...we hooked up...

Not only was this a stupid thing to do, but one of us didn't even remember the next day... And then began the pattern of "I can't talk to him cause he thinks I want him" verus the "Ohmigod we hooked up and I know he likes me and I don't wanna lead him on..." So, times we talk like to funcationing adults but the rest of the time we are idiots without the way to say hi because no one wants to do it first and neither knows how the other will react....

And of course, this dance continued into the party... I feel bad because I want to still (for whatever reason) be his friend. It would be nice to have another gay guy to talk to in this group, to go out and hit the town with, to set up with other friends I have... But it will never really happen because of one mistake. And that's what makes it sad....(yikes, I'm drunk...)

The Ghosts of Realtionships past....

So, Charity called me today and asked me to go with her to the Pier One Christmas party... This did give me pause to think, what with Vera back at the store and the large possibilty that she might bring Enrique....

Okay, Enrique was last serious boyfriend in LA and the reason that I quit Pier One among other things. It was the first break up where I felt like the only adult thing to do was to leave... That even though I was in love with the guy that I couldn't stay with someone with whom things were destined not to work out.... I saw more potenial than product with him... I wanted a guy who might wanna do the ceremony on the beach in front of our families, adopt a few kids from overseas maybe.....

Unfortunately, he wanted a guy who had no problems with threesomes, long times apart and no close firends to get in the way.... So, even though we both cried (alot) it was decided that breaking up was the best thing to do... It was all very civil and well managed except for a couple of things...

After spending two days begging me to come back he finally called me late one night just to talk as friends... He then proceeded to tell me about the hot guy at work that he always liked had asked him out on a date and that he was going the next day... I didn't take this well and proceeded to be pissed off though I didn't say much about it at the time... After a couple days of avoiding him and his phone calls, I decided to call Vera to talk.

Vera and I had been fast friends at the store and were even closer when I started to date Enrique. He worked for the company too, with us briefly and then at another location. But when things got bad, she always said we would all stay friends... This turned out not to be the case at all--leading to her lying about Enrique being at her house the night I called and picking up another line to listen in. I was pouring my heart out to her when he breaks in with "hey you wanted to do this...." Needless to say I was pissed and embrassed by the whole fiasco and didn't speak to him or her for about six months.

It wasn't till I found out that he was moving to Saleanas (Near SF) that I decided to call him up to talk. I was better off than I had been in months. At a fun new job and distarcting myself with all that entalied. We went out, had dinner, shopped and then hooked for ex-sex... We promised to keep talking but it didn't really happen.

Well, later on I found out from Mickey (his other ex, former roomate and guy that I was kind of sleeping with.... I know, I know) that Enrique had been flipped out about that night and had been telling people like him and Vera that maybe he made a mistake and should have done something more to keep me with him. I was startled by this and kind of touched in that bad Aaron Spelling drama type of way....

And now he is back in LA. I have known this for awhile and have been in several sitatutions where I have almost run into him. And he lives with Vera, works for a different company but still knows all the gang at Pier One and so there was a huge chance that I would run into him.

But I didn't and the reason that he didn't come was simple... Vera told me after a couple hours of drinking (this girl would give you her pin, social and credit cards after a couple) that he couldn't face him because he didn't know what he would do if I was in his life.... That he still wanted me and that it was too much pressure for him...

I guess this should have made me happy but at the end of the day--it is just sad. Mostly because we will run into each sooner than later and something will have to be decided. I mean, I just want him as a friend....maybe hook up...but not as a relationship. And as I try to reconnect with people like Vera his ghost will be in the way. Just because no one what will happen when we do see each other. And I don't even know myself.... I just want to get it out of the way.

So today was the last of the clothing fundraiser... Billie and I went to several different stores with 7 bags of clothes... We did mange to raise about 60 dollars and donated the rest to charity. It is slightly disturbing how little we have been able to raise but it was for a good cause... It is also disturbing that there will be a possible homeless person wearing two season's old Diesel shirts... But we had fun and it felt good to do somethingh worth while with my free time. I guess that is the point eh?

So, once again.... I managed to fuck up. Not sure what will happen with this yet but am prepared for war... Packing buckshot... Lol.

Started fine enough, Kise and I decided at last nights PADWAD meeting to hang out today... I'm going to help shop for Christmas presents and stuff.... Sounded fun and got me out of the house for a bit and so.... Off we were, to Target and Tilly's and other random stores.... We had alot of fun just hanging out and doing stuff... Something that I haven't done much with her. Kise is one of those people who you can tell wants to be your friend and hang out and stuff. It's a little heady at times, the admiration but also quite intimadating....

So, we were on our way back and stopped of to get some drugs from the market and somehow PADWAD came up... And I guess I was tired or something but suddenly I was spouting off about all these concerns I had about the group and our progress and porjects. I basically said some stuff like how I have problems working with Ruby and that we were too attached to the tragic-light film and how I felt the group wasn't a strong avenue for encouraging our seprate arts... Kise, of course, was a little freaked out and hurt and felt I was stressing too much and stated that maybe I needed not to come to meetings if I felt this way....

I do love the meetings, the work and the artistic roundtable the group allows for us. I was just tired and a little frustrated and I now I've opened the mouth too much. Because I did go off on Ruby among other things and now I'm worried that Kise will tell her what happened. She won't do it to be mean but to try and fix the problems. Which are hardly there and not to the extent that I made it sound.

So now I'm just waiting for a phone call and to be busted. But maybe I am overthinking this too. I tend to do that.

Okay...so Irene's friend asked me this question the other night when we at some party. THE QUESTION. If you're single then you know it. The one that well meaning relatives ask at holidays, new co-workers broach it over drinks, a friend of a friend might ask.... (if you know this then say it with me...)

So, are you seeing someone?

I never know quite how to answer this question... (Outside of the sarcastic... "Oh shit, no, thanks for reminding me.... I was going to and then I got busy...) For some people this is a rough question. Throws them into a pit of self-doubt, double guessing, wondering...why aren't I? But for me, to be honest, it doesn't ring any bells... Set off any alarms.

The thing is... I know that I'm not in the place to be in a relationship. And I don't know how to explain that to others... That feeling of I'm not ready... I don't want it right now. That I'm not lonely, that I'm not afraid that time is running out. That I'm not missing anything. That I'm happy enough to work on who I am. That being alone is better than being in a relationship and wondering.... How did I get here... I don't know if this is normal... Not many people talk about this stuff, about how maybe being with someone else isn't the right choice. But I think sometimes it is. It is okay to work on being your own best date. That sometimes being in a relationship only hides one from the things they need to do to better ones self.... I'd rather wait then play act in a relationship that I'm not ready for....

"So if you not ready for love you should stay single?"
"Why not? If nobody ever got married or had children unless they were really in love, don't you think it would clean up a lot of the mess around here?"
"Miami?"
"Life."
"But then so many people would be alone."
"Is that such a terrible thing? I remember the first time I was lying in bed alone and feeling sorry for myself and I said, Wake up, Iris. Wake up. How many times have you been in bed with someone who was making you feel bad? Unconfident, unloved, or constantly having to hustle to deserve to be loved. Or being cheated on. And I thought, this is definitely better than any of those real-life situations. I was just trying to con myself into a remembering romantic situations that, in fact, hardly ever existed. No. If I can't go first class I don't want to go at all. And it's me, if I'm being honest, who knows what first class is."
"No accommodations. Is that it?"
"Oh, I can accommodate a lot. I can handle a missing limb. Or someone who's not brilliant. Or not a great money-maker. Those things are not problems. I might very well fall in love with someone in any of those categories. What I don't want to do is fall in love with someone I don't really know. Someone I've given a personality to, and later I find out they're someone completely different. And I'm fucked, in more ways than one. Life goes on, Glen. Life goes on. I don't want to waste any time giving really heavy emotion to someone who doesn't get it. Doesn't appreciate it. Doesn't even know what I'm feeling. Does that make sense?"

"My Worst Date." by David Leddick.

I'm an asshole tonight.... Wasn't really the plan or anything but I did fuck up and there is little I can do to fix. Tonight is Tyg's 30th birthday and I'm not there. If you don't know who he is.... Tyg used to date Kelly date a coypole years ago--they were hot and heavy and stuff and they then they broke up after living togther among others things. The situtation was poorly handed by all sides and a lot of friendships were lost bewteen her and his friends.... But he and I managed to stay close...

He's one of the few guys that I have ever been good friends with... He's just kind and very open and once he is your firend--that's it. Nothing that he won't do for you, no place he won't be be.... It's hard to see that sometimes because of Tygf's rough extrior but he is just one of those people who really loves his friends and considers them family... No questions asked....

And here I am, not at his party..... I didn't plan it this way... I just kind of figured I could go down to Torrance with Donnie or Sklyar or something. I had actually made noises about wanting to go to Davis at Thanksgiving and so I just figured I would end up there. How I was I to know that.... Last minute everyone would go together... In one car so that if the party (in Skylar's words....) "was lame then they could go get milk shakes....." (Okay. That was bitchy. But...) And now I feel like a heel and Tyg's new girlfriend already hates me... Just another nail in that coffee.... I don't even know how to make up for this.... any advice?

Sorry I missed a day but life has a strange way of sneak attacking when you least expect it.... When on a great job interview yesterday for a clothing resale boutique... I really want this job for many reason but mostly because it seems like it would be fun, creative and kewl and a challenge as well. I'm keeping my fingers crossed while I wait this one out. Then my "friend" Mickey came over and had a great time.... I have definately missed sex during my sickness and made up for lost time.... He's quite fun in bed and the type of guy I would totally like if I met while out and about. And today was great for me writing wise as well. I have a PADWAD meeting tonight with Ruby and Kise and I am excited. I just wrote about 30 pages of work and am quite happy with my talents as of late. Hopefully I can keep up the good work. Well... that's about it... Tomorrow Billie and I have to sort clothing and start a plan for the resale fundraiser. Hopefully it will go well. Wish us luck....

So a funny thing happened tonight.... Skylar and Thomas had a little dinner/get together at their apartment and it was fun.... The same crowd at Thanksgiving with some changes and I was able to have a good time the whole night long. The high point was when I realized that Benji had revealed Jonsey's secrt to the party and I had the oppurtunity to rub that fact in Skylar's face. Not in a mean way but I did make an effort to point that I wasn't the one who spilled the secert. Outside of that, I had a great time.... Though there was a depressing element

I found out from Jac's dad that the Right Wing Webpage does have the right to post the pieces of my article... SO I am allowed to be the spoke person for the religious right. Well, any work is good work right? And my name is ouit there.....