It Comes Full Circle-ish

So I have given up meat, diary, pork and chicken as part of a new meal plan. It wasnt that hard to do since I did grew up veggie with my folks but it feels ironic to go back to it. And while I am not a full vegan--it's way too hard to eat that way--I have made a huge difference in what I want my body to feel and run on.

It feels good

But it's still a work in progress as it comes to vitamins and prepared foods I can eat, working out my meals around social events and even just being hungry and on the go. But it has mde a difference in my body already--I can feel the fat and muscle shifting around and make a changed fit when it comes to my clothes.

And while it is not for everyone it is worth a shot.

Loss For Words

I havent been able to write for awhile...

I cant blame it on the job or working on the novel, the social life hasnt been more than usual and I havent been sick or out of town... At least not much

The problem is I feel like I cant say anything right now

...

I feel like my hands have been tied by circumstances beyond my control... Part of the real reason I stay away from my blog is I'm afraid what I want to say will hurt people or be used against me at a later date. Somehow this has become less about my words and feelings and more about protecting others over myself.

I dont think that is a good thing

Part of what my journaling, blogging, whatver has helped me to do is clear my head, put things together through prose and make sense of myself... But I have also been hyper aware of not exposing others, hurting others or even talking about others... That's why there is nicknames and innuendo at times--to protect people.

But who's protecting me?

I just have had a rough couple of days and dont feel like I have any outlets I can trust to work things out in my head... Maybe I'm being overly dramatic but i just feel all tied up. It's not comfortable and makes me wonder if I need to bury this log and start over elsewhere with no connection to myself so I can speak freely.

I'm at a loss.

It Just Takes Time

So Johnno has got a new job... His dream job that he has been pursuing--much more than I would have done. I'm so happy for him, so happy for the money, the career movement, the good people he will be working with.

I totally owe Kelly a night of drinks.

It's funny because with this job being nailed down it makes wedding planning easier... In terms of days off, in terms of how we budget more for the day and just a general sense of calm and steadiness in his life. I can't wait to figure out the next few steps and get things moving again.

I'm glad that he is patient.

It's Probably For The Best

So I return to my job tomorrow after my long ass hiatus... While it was good to be off, to work out when I wanted, orginize bookshelves and clean out the closet, start on my new novel--its also had the weird side effect of making me feel lonely.

I know it's in my head.

But it has been bothering me how disconnected I have been feeling. Part of it is just spending the day alone for the most part, seeing only Lola and Johnno for days on end, leaving the house became a goal of sorts. However--I have also spent a lot of my time trying to reach out to people--via texting, via emails, voice mails and Facebook...

And people haven't been responding.

I was thinking the other day about the last few times I have had really moments with my friends--more than just hanging out at someone's house but talking and connecting. I realized that outside of a few random moments; book club with Kirby and Wynona, Edie's brief pitstop in LA over Easter week and Chloe's annual visit--I haven't had many times of true connection.

It's annoying me.

That's not to say that my friends are doing anything wrong--I have just started to see how much out of the loop I am... I don't IM or text anyone friend everyday, I don't get invited out during the week very often, I don't get phone calls or texts on the fly about things... Instead I spend a lot of time with Johnno--which is good--but very few other people...

I think that is leading to other problems.

Part of it is I don't feel very wanted as a friend as of late--I have done some reaching out but like I said--there's not much reaching back. So much that I don't want to be the one making all the effort--which leads to me and Johnno going out to bars on our own.... I love our time together but I wish we would connect with other people... I don't know if that makes sense...

And so I am overthinking things... Getting back to my job--which I love--will be a step in stopping the negative thoughts. So it will be a good thing. Let's see if I feel this way in a week.

Ecomony of Words

The writing continues to be flowing at a steady rate--somehow using a first person POV has really take things to a different place. Between my new techinque of using notecards for easier plotting and the lack of description that comes with the new writing process I am falling into the story fast.

It's a relief.

I have been sharing bits and pieces of the story with Johnno and Samuel--mostly for guidence and clafication on facts but outside of that there has been no huge hiccups. It's put me back in the headspace of feeling like a writer, which turns into living like a writer which is really just sitting down and writing. And with this story I have been able to write a chapter a day thus far--which is only taking a few hours a pop which for me is amazing.

It feels good.

The only problem will be once I return to work--balancing out my schedule of work outs and writing and the social life. I suspect that something will have to give eventually and it just might be my sleep patterns. But we shall see.

It's all new and open and not ready to pretend otherwise.

Progress

I have been working on a new novel idea... I call it an idea until it is at least halfway finished and since I am only in the planning stages--it's a not even a baby yet. I'm trying to make the actual story much more simple this time around because what has always caught me up in the past is the scale of how I write.

I do too much.

I like to create worlds--not like Hunger Games or Lord of the Rings--I'm much more of a real world writer with a young adult focus. I find something interesting within the world of teens; the idea of identity, the small social interactions and the idea of the future being a focus which all action moves towards.

Some would call me a snob.

But with that view comes a huge issue of scale--its not enough to have a protagonist and atagonist, a love interest or two... I find myself often creating a social network for my teens to exist in with parents and friends, teachers and bullies, part time jobs and lofty future goals. So what I am trying to do is scale that back somehow...

It's a process.

But I think it also allows me to have a style to my work. I hope that people can see a world when they read my worlds, filled with places and things they remember or are experiencing... First time relationships, the boredom and freedom of after school jobs, the lunches at the mall, the excitement of parties, the push between who they are and how their parents see them.

But I really just want someone who wants to read about my characters; whether they are a confused bi-sexual boy in a sports family or a little Eurasian girl deserted by her father, or a prom queen with a heart of gold who may be a boy or a girl. I just have to put the words out there.

That's the hard part.

Breaking Down Walls

So I had a breakthrough the other night... I had a stressful night at home with Johnno about projects around the Dollhouse and instead of asking for what I needed I just shut down... I just felt like because I had asked in the past for help, that when the time came he should have known to just step up and help.

He's not psychic.

As I was crying and arguing I suddenly realized why i don't know how to ask for things--why I confusing saying what I want with begging... Growing up my parents really ignored the things I wanted and what I was about... Not talking about chores or allowence but the simple act of help and support... So often to get what I needed I had to beg, to cry, to needle to get the simplest things... I hated it then and I hate it now...

I have confused asking for what I want with begging for table scraps, that people I love should know and give without me asking... It's an unfair burden on myself and it is a test for them when all they want is my words and my intentions. I have to get better about owning what I want and trusting that they can and will give it to me...

I am not a little boy hoping for better, I am an adult who has people who want to make it better... I have to trust in that and go for those things with an open heart.

Cue The Porn Music

The title comes from a tweet i sent out last week... After visiting the job I was very nervous--they have revamped the whole story department and are trying out something new with AVIDs and stringouts. Something I am not familiar with... So coming out of my visit I was feeling pretty damn disheartened even though I was still meeting up with my producer.

This is when I sent the tweet.

Imagine my surprise when I recieved a phone call from my producer the next day... He gave me a start date for the show, explained that the position would be changing somewhat and that they were eager to have me back. I was so relieved until he joked--"you dont have to cue the porn music"

BEAT

Turns out I forgot that I was friends with him and my bosses on facebook and they saw my tweet... Fortunately I was able to dance my way out of the situation with some ease but not before I was lectured by the office. I was told to remember that they like me, want to work with me and all I need to do is ask the right questions and they will steer me in the right direction.

I wish I knew why I was so mistrustful... i have no reason to be.

Nerves

I'm freaking out right now... I went by the office today to touch base and got the vibe that they might be losing my job all together from the show. I'm still having a meeting with them on Friday to figure out what is going on but I don't feel good about.

And I'm pissed.

It's not like I'm making up the scenario here... I was told to talk with them before I took another job, they tried to keep me there as long as possible and told me that I would be back... For this to happen and me to lose out would be such shit I would need sedation to not blow up.

It's just so unfair.

But I have to wait and see what happens... Johnno is worried for me, Kirby thinks I am being too negative but I just have this vibe... And they are always right... And all my other job connections are gearing up for BB or already mid--show it will be hard to reach out to people...

I have to keep it together. Either way I am getting drunk this weekend.

Refocused

So I had a bad day today... Saw some numbers in place I didnt want to see them, had this feeling that I was wasting my time and effort for so many things. But instead of freaking out I decided to give myself a break which helped more than any freak out could do.

I came out of today realizing that I have to remember how to balance my goals versus what I can do in any one time. I realized that my goals need me to work towards them instead of just hoping they will show up. I found my muse again and have started a new writing project--something that was hanging over my head. I will get up tomorrow and continue to focus on my fitness goals and eating habits, continuing down the right path even if it doesnt feel right yet. I will continue to be positive when working on the wedding planning because I know it will happen when it is right and I will reward myself in the future--when things are in process instead of making myself suffer for a goal that will take time.

I can see clearly now--perspective is all that was needed. It just takes some time.

Going Crazy

I think being home alone all day is getting to me... All I do is work out, look at wedding stuff and trying to force myself to write.... None of this is helping and might be making me go crazy... I weigh myself and get upset, I look at wedding venues and get worked up or feel guilty about not being ble to string towo word together even though I have all the time in the world.

I'm going off the rails.

18 Becomes 200

So I weighed myself for the first time in months--I knew something was up when I felt like nothing fit properly, nothing was comfortable and was off. So when the numbers came back the verdict was in--18 pounds gained over 5 1/2 months.

Wince

I spent the first day lying to myself about how it could have happened--it didnt make sense, I work so hard and I was doing everything right... Except that I knew better--that while struggling to quit smoking I was eating more, that I was having fries and pasta and other things without a care and my workout schedule fell apart due to back problems and then a constant lack of energy and focus.

It didnt help that I have been rolling around a book idea in my head connected to my eating issues and past struggles with bulimia which made everything more sensitive. I couldnt focus too much or I would go crazy but then if I didnt at all then I end up with the 18 pounds I already had.

Refocus

So instead I went and bought new running shoes to replace the ones that were hurting my feet, I bought myself a heart rate monitor to try and make sure I work out better and even a little foot pedal bike like thing to use when my back acts up. I feel much better and back on track for now... I am still balancing my need for smokes and couscous but I can do this better than before. It helps that Johnno is on a cooking kick and I'm on a veggie kick so--we shall see how it plays out

It's expensive to refocus but not as much as buying a new wardrobe.

How to Do Happy

I have been happy the last few days.... Chloe is town for the weekend and we were finally able to hang out and talk about everything that has been going on in person between weddings and jobs and the future. She is truly one of my best friends and it always amazes me how quickly we reconnect and sync up--it been great to have her around.

Then last night Johnno and I went out with the Valley group to do a night boat cruise I had bought as part of his birthday present. It was a large gang of us dancing and drinking and hanging out on the water and following it up with drinks at a beachside bar. It was the first time we had all hung out since the Super Bowl and it was great to catch up. This weekend just made me really happy.

It's not like I havent been happy--but I have started to realize that happiness it's self is a very small and fragile but reoccurring thing. That somehow I had this idea in my head that somehow and someway everything would just side together and I would be happy all the time... But that's not how it works...

It's a bunch of small moments that I have to learn to cherish--coffee and a book at a cafe, getting a funny card on my Facebook, a friend hearing a song and texting me. It's knowing that it is a process that is always in flux and that it can come and go but will always come back. I have to learn to build it--the relationships with people who make me happy and find ways to do things in my life that allow for it.

Maybe I am late for the game on this but it's a pretty nifty lesson.

Writing

So I have a new idea for a story... I'm slowly working out the pieces but I'm concerned that it may be too dark. I have never done well with overly heavy writing; I like a little happiness and balance, comedy and realism in my stories which I havent found yet with this idea. It's also about things that I havent thought about it in awhile and I worry that open certain doors in myself could be really hard.

Every writer I know would tell me to embrace that

But for now I am just trying to find a way to put the pieces together and make it blend into something worthwhile. Something that I can do and enjoy. Its nice to feel the words in me even if I dont know where that can lead.

Stir Crazy

I know the exact moment i have been home way too long... It's the moment when I start pulling out all the extra housewares I have in the Dollhouse, I flip through my internet scrap book of design and I suddenly remember I have paint and wall paper and random pictures that have not been hung but still hide in the apartment. It's a crazy little obsession which can lead to random shopping sprees, messy rooms during redos and just a few bad ideas

But it is all so pretty

Cheap Dates

I have become obsessed with two very separate things--groupon/living social/daily candy and making more dates with the boy... I think that with all the stress from trying to figure out how to plan the wedding I have become more self aware of how much time we don't plan for ourselves. We will--if left to our own devices--send way too much time on the couch or at the bar and not enough time doing new things together. I have always felt experience is the key to building any relationship but have forgotten to keep up with it...

And now with my lack of work all I can do is think about various ways to spend time together but not ways to afford it. So when I get any groupon type thing I automatically think it is cheap and a good idea even if I know I shouldn't spend the money... So now there is a backlog of things to do and it is up to me to find the time to do them...

But I have to stop going overboard--just because I can get cheap dates doesnt mean I should buy them and just because I can make special dates outside of the wedding doesnt make up for any problems due to wedding stress. One does not cancel out the other--not at all

Mona to My Mouse

I cannot wait till this time next week when Chloe is here!!!! I am so excited to wander the streets of LA with her, share coffee and chats, meatballs and movie award shows, and all the ways we will catch up. I have been feeling a bit detached as of late but reconnecting with her always puts me back in the right head space. We have a lot of things to talk about that arent done easily over the phone--they need hugs and laughs and all the booze we can handle... Plus she has lost a ton of weight and it is going to make me gag with jealousy but push me back into getting more motivated.

I cannot wait to see her!

Tragic

I know it is ironic to use that word with Whitney Houston's death--whether she was off the drugs when she passed away or still using doesn't really matter... Her body was already shredded by her choices and it's not surprising that her body could have eventually given up.

But I still cant believe it.

She was one the first albums I owned, one of the first singers who I felt got me and she was just as strong an actress as well. The fact that she is just gone from existence blows my mind and makes my heart hurt. I cant explain what her music has done for me or how it changed me--it just did. Every so often someone comes along who makes you feel like they are sharing your experience and giving it shaped and meaning beyond what you could do or say yourself.

This is that song for me



I just hope she is at peace. But I also hope she knew how much better she made the world for people like me--regardless of all she lived through she did make a positive change on so many levels

Asshole:

The wedding planning has been driving me insane--to the point where I get so angry and frustrated with all of it that I become an asshole to myself and Johnno. I know exactly why this is happening and yet I cannot seem to stop. Its making us fight which I dont like and making things awkward which he doesnt like and it rides the line of turning mean sometimes.

...

The problem in this is all me--my need to know, my need to have answers, my freak outs about money, about having things set and in motion. The not knowing and not getting straight answers is pushing my buttons while Johnno is the driver's seat when it comes to contacting places and getting numbers. But we both keep misstating what we mean and what we want from the other person so then things get lost or ignored or ramped up. It makes the planning miserable.

I think part of the problem is I feel like I don't have anyone to really talk to about it... It's not that the broom's men wouldn't listen but I feel like I can't turn to them--there is a million reasons why I just don't feel comfortable. And this lack of a sounding board has made me turn more and more to Johnno and he is part of the stress at times so....

I'm at a loss... But I am trying to work on this more and more--pulling myself more and more away from the situation to try and gain perspective. Hopefully this will actually start helping soon... Not sure how much more time I can take.

Hiatus

I am finally on hiatus from the job... Not that my show would normally have one but because the production company was behind on signing new locations and didnt need me. As of now I am off for the next few weeks which is good--I havent had much time off in the 14 months I have been at the show.

The time will allow me to get things done; get my workout schedule back, work on reading War and Peace, researching wedding venues and planning things, hopefully catching up with my friends and family. I have a lot of phone calls to make in the near future.

But the biggest thing I am hoping to work on is my stress level. Since I have quit again my stress has been through the roof and I am desperately trying to work on containing it. It hasnt worked out well yet and I spend more than half of my time feeling like an asshole and the other half feeling misunderstood. I need to fix things one way or another. Maybe I should start smoking pot again....

or deal with my issues--which ever comes first.