This Wretches My Guts Out

Having grown up with a hockey family-a dad who heped coach, a brother who payed well and for a good team, I feel like I get so much about this article. It's even more gut wrenching when you know how it works out.

'We love you, this won't change a thing'

By John Buccigross
ESPN.com
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"I hope the day comes, and soon, when this is not a story." -- Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke

Imagine this.

Well before you are born, your dad plays college hockey at Providence College and wears the "C" for Friars coach and Hockey Hall of Famer Lou Lamoriello. Your dad is then a member of the Calder Cup-winning Maine Mariners AHL team. He admits to having little skill, but contributes rough and tough qualities. You know, like pugnacity, testosterone, truculence and belligerence. He's a man, baby.

Dad is also driven. And smart. He quickly retires from pro hockey. He knows he will make the NHL only with his brain and mental brawn. He earns a law degree from Harvard in 1981, then practices law in Boston for the next six years, representing professional hockey players before joining the Vancouver Canucks in 1987 as vice president and director of hockey operations. He has made the NHL. You are born a year later in Vancouver, British Columbia, in December 1988.

Dad is GM of the Hartford Whalers for a season as a 37-year-old before joining the NHL front office as senior vice president and director of hockey operations under commissioner Gary Bettman in September 1993, staying until 1998. Dad and Mom divorce in 1995, and, as a 9-year old, you move to Boston with Mom in 1997.

Dad then begins a six-year stint on the other side of the continent as president and general manager of the Vancouver Canucks. Meanwhile, you play hockey while growing up in the Boston area, and you are a goalie. You love Dominik Hasek and still believe he is the best of all time. Dad tries to see you play whenever he can. Goalie is a comfortable position for you on the ice, looking out and hiding behind a mask.

You eventually attend Xaverian Brothers High School, a prep school in Westwood, Mass., and make the competitive varsity hockey team as a senior, but choose not to play. You say it is because you don't think you would get enough playing time and you are upset at the coach. But you actually don't play because you don't think you can go another season without someone finding out your secret.

Your hockey career is over.

"Middle school and early high school is the first time I remember thinking that I could be gay, but I definitely tried to ignore it and didn't want to seriously consider it. It's pretty easy to try and convince yourself that it's not true, but it won't work, ever." -- Brendan Burke

You go on to attend Miami University in Oxford, Ohio, after your guidance counselor recommends the school. Miami is well known for being academically challenging and having one of the more visually idyllic campuses in the country. It doesn't disappoint. The brick buildings and brand-new hockey rink make the small town feel like what college should feel like. Like an old Hollywood movie set. Ohio is a friendly place with warm people who smile a lot and like to get together in groups and laugh. You fit right in. You've made a great decision.

You especially enjoy the Miami hockey program constructed by coach Enrico Blasi. You are involved as a student manager. Blasi demands his program and its culture be grounded in family. He calls it the Miami hockey brotherhood. The mission is to be the best one can be every day with a vision to become a champion in everything one does, on and off the ice. Miami's focus is on three things: relationships, daily behaviors and accountability. You watch and break down the pre-scout videos. You also keep most of the goalie statistics and prepare all the best clips for highlight videos.

While you're at Miami, Dad is now in Southern California as executive vice president and general manager for Anaheim and the Ducks win it all in 2007. You drink out of the Stanley Cup with Pops in the Anaheim dressing room. You love your father, you're proud of him, but you are hiding something from him that you will soon hide no more.

In 2008, Dad is chosen as general manager of the 2010 U.S. Olympic hockey team and named a recipient of the 2008 Lester Patrick Trophy for outstanding service to hockey in the United States. His résumé is relentless. Today, Dad runs the most profitable NHL team, the Toronto Maple Leafs, and is, without question, one of hockey's more magnetic and interesting characters along with Don Cherry and Alex Ovechkin. Dad televises well.

So, imagine, this is your father. You? Probably destined to be "Burkie's boy" in Canada even if you resurrected George Harrison and John Lennon and reunited The Beatles. Imagine.

"Brendan is an incredible kid. He and I are incredibly close, even for brothers. In most families, the older brother overshadows the younger brother, but not ours. We went to the same high school and people there still refer to me as "Brendan's brother."

He's exceptionally smart, funny, motivated, successful and happy. He has an incredible way with people.

There's a genuine kindness about him that really resonates with people. It's a gift I'm very jealous of." -- Patrick Burke, Brendan's brother, now a scout with the Philadelphia Flyers

Your dad thinks through everything. Dad is big, confident and continuously radiates a persona that is rough, gruff, unrelenting and unapologetic. He has a cold, expressionless poker face straight out of a Clint Eastwood movie. Yet, he does this all with the most subtle of Irish smirks that says there is more behind this thick skin. And there is. He calls you "Moose" because you have always been a big kid. He cares very deeply about you and your happiness. You say he has always been there when you needed him. And he has a great sense of humor. Imagine that.

But on this night in 2007, you are petrified of your dad. Because you, Brendan Burke, at 19 years old, are about to tell your dad, Mr. Testosterone, that you are gay.

Olympic team GM Brian Burke: 'I wish this burden would fall on someone else's shoulders, not Brendan's.'

It is Dec. 30, 2007, and you are in Vancouver with Dad for the holidays to break the news. His new family lives in Vancouver, and his Ducks are in town. You go to the Canucks-Ducks game, and, obviously, Dad is pretty emphatic about wanting to beat Vancouver, his former employer. You root like hell for the Ducks to win so he is in a good mood. But the Ducks lose 2-1. Of course, Daniel Sedin scores a goal against Anaheim, and his brother Henrik adds two assists to help beat Dad, the man who traded for the twins' draft rights in 1999 while he was running the Canucks.

You almost don't tell your dad and stepmom as a result of the loss. But you are flying back to Boston the next morning and you want to tell them in person. You feel as if you are going to throw up as you pace the hallways of their condominium. Just as your stepmom is about to go to bed, your younger sister, Molly, grabs you by the wrist and directs you where to go and gives you a look that says, "You can do it. Get it done now. I'm here for you."

Just a week before, your older sister, Katie, is the first family member you tell. You had targeted telling your family at Thanksgiving but got salmonella and spent the entire week in the hospital. So you push back your announcement to Christmas.

You are driving home from a family event in Marlboro, Mass., when you decide you want to say it during the car ride. Finally, after a 45-minute ride, you pass the city limits sign of Boston and you know you have to tell Katie. It is incredibly difficult, but your sister is very supportive. Of course she is, you tell yourself, she's Katie. That same night, you tell Molly and your mom. Everyone is great. Mom tells you she isn't surprised and had expected it from the time you were a little kid. Moms.

You tell your brother, Patrick, a day or two later. Patrick turns off the car blaring "The Hold Steady" CD, and you tell him as you are walking out to the car to bring in bags. Patrick, like Dad, never one to be fazed, says something along the lines of, "I love you. This doesn't change anything. Now pick up that suitcase and bring it inside."

But, now, telling your secret to Dad is another story. Molly's reassuring hand guides you to the couch for the moment of truth. It's time to tell Dad, a most public example of hockey machismo, that you are gay.

Finally, you say it. Awkwardly. You basically stumble along trying not to make it a big deal before just blurting out, "And I love you guys and wanted to tell you that I'm gay."

There is a brief silence.

Dad is surprised when you tell him that you are gay. He never suspected at all.

Your stepmom speaks first: "OK, Brendan, that's OK." And gives you a reassuring smile. Then your dad says, "Of course, we still love you. This won't change a thing."

Your dad and stepmom both get up and hug you and say they love you. You and your dad then sit there alone for about 15 more minutes watching hockey. Your heart rate is still at a snow-shoveling level. You then hug Dad again, and you go to bed.

But now, questions arise:

1. What about Dad's reaction the next day and beyond?

2. How will Miami react to a young, gay man working on the hockey team?

3. Can an openly gay man play or work for a hockey team?

"I had a million good reasons to love and admire Brendan. This news didn't alter any of them.

I would prefer Brendan hadn't decided to discuss this issue in this very public manner. There will be a great deal of reaction, and I fear a large portion will be negative. But this takes guts, and I admire Brendan greatly, and happily march arm in arm with him on this.

There are gay men in professional hockey. We would be fools to think otherwise. And it's sad that they feel the need to conceal this. I understand why they do so, however.

Can a gay man advance in professional hockey? He can if he works for the Toronto Maple Leafs! Or for Miami University Hockey. God bless Rico Blasi! And I am certain these two organizations are not alone here.

I wish this burden would fall on someone else's shoulders, not Brendan's. Pioneers are often misunderstood and mistrusted. But since he wishes to blaze this trail, I stand beside him with an axe! I simply could not be more proud of Brendan than I am, and I love him as much as I admire him." -- Brian Burke

Reverse skate.

The real reason you choose not to play your senior year is because the atmosphere in the locker room gets progressively harder to deal with as you get older. Homophobic slurs become as commonplace as rolls of hockey tape. Pressure to hook up with girls gets more intense. You are really upset for a couple of months. Your mom later tells you she thought you were depressed. Back then, she keeps asking you if something is wrong, but you don't want to talk about it with anyone.

You say gay slurs have a direct impact on gay people in the area where they are said. You sincerely believe the majority of people who use gay slurs don't mean them to be offensive; they just don't realize the words' meaning and don't think there might be a gay person sitting right next to them. Questions 2 and 3 cause you some concern.

Miami coach Enrico Blasi said having Brendan Burke as part of his hockey team's staff has been 'a blessing.'

Miami, the No. 1-ranked team in college hockey right now, refers to itself as "The Brotherhood," and Coach Blasi means it when he says it. You say the players on Miami hockey teams are truly unlike most hockey players you've met. It's a group of genuine, intelligent, good guys. They don't have to, but they make you feel like a part of the team. Their families treat you as if you are one of their sons.

As you start to become better friends with the players and coaches, it becomes more difficult to hide your true sexuality. You are developing genuine friendships with many, and it feels like a huge part of it is missing because you aren't being honest with them. You feel, in some ways, as if you are disrespecting the Brotherhood philosophy Miami is based on.

The RedHawks take you with them to the NCAA regional tournament in Minnesota this past March, where they beat Minnesota-Duluth and Denver to advance to the Frozen Four for the first time in history.

As far as amazing life experiences go, being at the Frozen Four in Washington, D.C., is right up there with being in the locker room after the Ducks won the Cup. In between the first round and the Frozen Four, you tell one of the Miami players you are gay. Another player figures it out on the morning of the national championship game, and you have to pull him aside and tell him not to tell anyone before the game. You don't want it to be a distraction. You ask him to wait 12 hours after the game; then he can tell whomever he wants.

After the heartbreaking overtime loss to Boston University, and mainly by word of mouth, your news gets around to the whole team. There isn't a big emotional sit-down talk, although you do speak with some of the guys personally. The general response is "OK, Burkie's gay. Who cares? Pass the beer nuts."

About a week later, you approach your boss, the director of hockey operations for Miami, Nick Petraglia, and tell him. Then, a few days later, you tell Coach Blasi. You are pretty sure one of the players told them both in advance to give them a heads-up, but neither cares, and both are incredibly supportive.

Blasi says that having you as part of Miami's program is a blessing and everyone is much more aware of what they say and how they say it. He says he is as guilty as anyone and everyone needs to be reminded that respect is not a label but something people earn by the way they live their life. Coach Blasi says you are a great student and an even better person. You say Coach Blasi is a great coach and an even better person.

"Brendan is a great guy, personable and caring. As student manager, he is involved in a lot of things for us -- video, stats and community service, to name a few of his duties.

To my knowledge, there has been nothing negative [since he came out to us]. I think it goes along the lines that Brendan is part of our family. Everyone respects Brendan, and that's all that really matters.

The players are awesome. They are very sensitive to language and how we talk in the locker room. Again, it goes back to our culture and working on relationships and behaviors.

[As far as whether a player could come out and be able to function like a normal college player], that's a tough one and I don't want to speak for any other program. As far as Miami is concerned, we are about the person. I believe we would be accepting and honestly not even think twice about it.

I think having Brendan as part of our program has been a blessing. We are much more aware of what you say and how we say it. I am guilty as anyone. We need to be reminded that respect is not a label, but something you earn by the way you live your life." -- Miami University hockey coach Enrico Blasi

The attitude across the team is pretty much the same: "Who cares?" or "I don't understand why this is even an issue." Players you don't even expect to be supportive are. You say it is proof this kind of thing can happen in other places, too. You wish you could say that gay slurs have been banished from the Miami dressing room. It hasn't happened yet, although serious progress has been made and one player in particular has made it a personal crusade.

But now that you are "out," can you successfully pursue a job in hockey, specifically in the NHL, if that is a wish?

You are applying to law schools right now. Hockey management and politics are two things you care about the most, and a law degree is required for both, so it leaves the door open for either. You say you would be lying if you said you don't think sexual orientation affects a job in pro hockey. You believe it would make some things more difficult. There are going to be people who aren't comfortable knowing they are working with a gay person.

"He's incredibly brave. He went back to our all-boys high school and gave a speech about the struggles gay teenagers go through and got a standing ovation from 200 kids who spend half their time insulting anyone different than them.

In so many ways, I look up to him for who he is and what he does.

Obviously, there are gay players in hockey right now, just no openly gay ones. And there are gay people in management, whether they're scouts or front-office people or coaches. We just don't have any openly gay ones right now. I think it will be a challenge for the first person that comes out, because they'll be putting themselves under a microscope.

The scary thing for me is that it might be Brendan, if he chooses to go into hockey. I don't think it's fair the face of homosexuality in hockey should be a 20-year-old college kid, but Brendan is more than willing to be the guy, which awes me. I think it's a matter of when, not if, players and management start coming out." -- Patrick Burke

At this point, you are still undecided about your career options. Although you think there definitely would be challenges to being openly gay and working in hockey, you also think hockey is ready for it. There has been a lot of discussion about when a current player will come out. You've always viewed most hockey fans as being very well educated and accepting of diversity. You say fans are much more focused on the on-ice product than on the sexual orientation of players or management, and you say hockey is too good to be dragged down by this.

Brendan Burke
The Burke FamilyBrendan says his family, including father Brian, has been completely supportive since he told them he was gay.

You believe that if an NHL player came out today, he would face a unique set of challenges but would generally be supported. He might face more verbal abuse from opposing fans, but you believe the overwhelming sentiment would be, "If he can play hockey, who cares?" That's the perspective you've encountered at Miami. You say a good way to start would be for ex-NHL players who are gay to be more vocal and talk about their experiences and challenges.

Whatever happens in your life, whatever career path you choose, you know Dad is in your corner. His long shadow of a hockey résumé that once looked like a crutch might now prove to be just the thing you and others need -- a powerful and eloquent voice shouting from the mountaintops.

This is far and away more than what you personally expected from your hockey-famous Dad as you prepared coming out to him. When people ask you about your dad's reaction to your Vancouver sit-down, you initially say, "He's been great, but I don't think we'll see him at any gay pride parades any time soon. But he has been really supportive."

So, you are startled this past summer when you get a call from Dad saying, "Hey, Toronto Pride is this weekend, you should fly up." So, sure enough, you fly up, and you and Dad go to the Toronto Pride Parade together.

If someone had told you before coming out that your dad, Brian Burke, would be attending a gay pride parade with you, you wouldn't have believed it. You never suspected Dad would disown you or anything like that, but the way he has handled it and the way he talks about it now has, honestly, really moved you. He was a little awkward about it at first. Today, he doesn't even think twice about it.

You want it known that he has been 100 percent supportive of you. It's important to you that people know that even the president and GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs, who has a less than sunny public personality, has a gay son and is a firm supporter of gay rights.

Imagine that.

"Imagine if I was in the opposite situation, with a family that wouldn't accept me, working for a sports team where I knew I couldn't come out because I'd be fired or ostracized. People in that situation deserve to know that they can feel safe, that sports isn't all homophobic and that there are plenty of people in sports who accept people for who they are." -- Brendan Burke

What is so said is that Brendan died in a car accident just earlier this past month, before his father left to be the USA Hockey coach. It just makes me feel so wretched. So sad.

Like the March Hare

I know this makes me a geek but I am so excited about the Liberty of London collection coming to Target this March. It is a famous pattern from a famous company and it always makes me think of 70's fashion or English teaparties ala 'Alice In Wonderland.'



It's crazy and colorful and childish but... I have been looking for a new style idea for the living room and am pretty sure that this is where I want to go. For the Dollhouse down the road.

Or perhaps I might have to hold out on a bigger life change than me just being bored. Like a reason for me to want to make everything look new and diffferent and like a new place to live in. But still--I love it.

My OMG Moment

I had a moment the other day... I twittered about it, made it my facebook status and kept it as a saved text. I felt foolish and vain and shallow but it was importnt to me to keep that feeling in the front of my mind.

In all of the time I have been on the diet-cutting back on carbs, increasing veggies, letting go of caffiene, I never really let myself get excited. Sure, people like Edie or Kirby might tell me I look good, I might weigh a bit less on the WII, things might feel like they have shifted on my body but for the most part i tried not to think about it too much.

Because in the past when I have left myself get consumed it because something that takes over my life. I become overly food sensitive, I become paranoid about workouts and calories burned and nothing feels like it is good enough. it's not healthy but something I have learned to balance out bit by bit since high school, and college, and Los Angeles.

But early Friday morning, as I was getting dress for work, I had this momment where for the first time I really saw how much my body had changed in the last six months. It wasn't just about abdominal flatness or the curve in my shoulders-it wasn't a thinner face or the lines you get at the top of you hips--it was the first time seeing myself look good and normal and healthy without being obsessed. It took me by surprise to see how much thinner, rested and great I looked.

And I knew I had done it not by skipping meals or two hour a day works outs but by actually learning and retraining my body. To know the differences between hunrgy and tired, of when and what to eat and how to do that, of trusting in emotional hungar and physical hungar and what to do with them. That everything I had acomplished thus far was doen the right which meant he wasn't going to disappear anytime soon.

For the first time it felt like I finally put everything in it's proper place and not in my mouth. I walked out of the apartment that morning amazed and happy with myself. Even if I did feel abit foolish that my first thought was worded like a teenage girl.

OMG indeed.

Quote of the Day

This came from Lucy's blog. For some reason it struck me.

I need to get on that before I find out that I’m one of those people who whines when they don’t get something they didn’t work for.

I guess because we all do exactly that once in awhile

Stolen from Lucy But Applied to Johnno

We didn't take our first pictures as a couple until that first Valentine Time together--which would be a little more than a year ago now.



This is the first of us as a couple-we totally MySpaced it out with the angles.




We spent a lot of the first year going from party to party as the hot gay couple.



But some times we went out to parties as the silly guys



And other times we went out in public as fools.



And other times we went out to public to perform



But we always went out with our friends.



And sometimes we went out to things for people besides our friends



But we always have fun regardless of how we do it.

To All Our Somedays

So the boy and I celebrated our one year anniversary two weekends ago. I debated whether or not I needed to blog about it—I feel like so much of this blog is really a testament as to how much I feel for him, that if I would ever need to look back for remembrance that I had more than enough passages of how much I felt for Johnno.

Because at the end of the day—the details to the actual day don’t matter much. That we woke up early to get all our chores out of the way for the weekend. About how I tricked Johnno into thinking we were going somewhere local but ending up in Hollywood? About buying hats at H & M… Sharing a hotel bar with Lauren Conrad and her boyfriend while we slammed down burgers and eggs sandwiches?

The only funny detail about the whole evening is how our drunk bartender forgot to charge us for drinks but I didn’t notice until I left and at that point was so annoyed at the wait for our bill that I was over it. So I spent my anniversary doing a drink and ditch.

Oops!

What is important is how different this feels from all the other times I thought I was in endgame love. Because the truth is-if I am honest-I always knew the expiration point when I’ve been in love in the past. Not the actual date, there was no timeline but the emotional point after which the relationship would cease to be anymore than convenience and the sexual equivalent of comfort food.

Basically a human body pillow.

With Samuel I always knew that his lack of responsibility would be the thing that broke us up in the end—that no matter how talented he was, how passionate about writing and art and all the things that are so blasé to my friends—he would never pull himself together enough to be someone I could trust to build my life with. I was so sacred that if I trusted that he could take care of both of us that I would end up in a cardboard box out on the street—he called me a snob for thinking this way. But I tried to expand my expectations and overcome my fears of dependency but at the end—I didn’t trust that he would grow up.

Call it a deal breaker but I’m no pedophile.

Speaking of children-gross—when it came down to the truth of me and Enrique I always knew that we never really wanted the same endgame. He never wanted to be married or settled, to share a house or have children. This should have scared me away. But these were all things at 23 that I knew that I wanted but, being 23, I figured that he would eventually change his mind because he would love me enough to want the same kind of happiness I wanted.

Because at 23 you still believe that you can be an Effie—that you can make someone love when everyone else knows it is hopeless. This is a thought process only acceptable in 23 year olds. That’s it. No exceptions.

But with Johnno-everything is so different. Am I scared of things? All the time.

I’m scared when he drives home late in the rain from my place. I’m scared that he doesn’t stand up enough for himself in the moment and that he gets hurt because of it. I’m scared that I’m too moody and mean and bitchy to be a good enough person for him. I’m scared that I don’t do enough, have enough, and am capable of enough to deserve him.

Most of all—I’m scared at the idea that he won’t be there someday. So much so that when things have happened—random things like tripping on stairs or near misses in the car—that I get lightheaded and sick to my stomach at the idea of something happening.

I literally cannot sleep at the thought.

Because I love him. That’s it, the simple answer, the only constant in our dynamic, the thing that is obvious in pictures and felt in person by anyone who knows us. He has made the last year of my life so amazing and so full of things I never knew I could have.

To be loved
Accepted
Trusted
Sexual
Funny
Childish
Hopeful
Talented
Intelligent
Loud
Silly
Hungry
Be myself.

I can only hope I do the same for him. It feels selfish to put this down in words because it is only mine and not ours. That’s how I know I love him—that I have things that belong to just us and I don’t even know how to began to explain or share that. I just don’t know.

But someday I will.

The Early Worm Get the Tiredest

I have spent the better part of the last two weeks trying to get back into the swing of working. Having a job is great, having one I really like is priceless but it takes a lot of getting used too--between the commute and lunches and just remembering how it feels to be somewhere else for ten hours a day.

When you add my own ambition into it then it gets even more difficult. I like to be the first one at the office and the last one to leave--at least for my department. It's sneaky and underhanded but I do my damnest to make sure that it seems like I am always there with a smile first thing and busy computer up to the last second. I guess I just feel like if I make it obvious how harc I work and how much I like my work then I become more valuable to the show as a whole.

It helps matters that my boss implied that there was a big push to help get some story titles put in my direction so I feel like I have to porve how much I want it. That and I am so competitive that I feel the need to really push myself all the time.

Which has made me very tired when I get home and unable to do much more than sink into the couch and drool. Which means that I am not doing this

But I figure now I ight have to give my outsie writing as big of a push as I am this job. Because one matters more in the long term than the other.

I Am Grateful

So this past week has been a bit crazy. Mostly due to the fact that I landed a new job exactly when I needed it but at the worst time in terms of LA weather. Because yeah it rained and rained.

This town falls part when it rains

So i had to figure out how I would get to my new job on foot without being destroyed by the rain. It's not like I had to worry about maing a good impression-I was a company I had worked for years ago and in a great location for me to get to but the simple goal of staying dry was kind of in my way. But i pulled it off and managed to not be too much off a hot mess even with the rip-away track pants.

YEp--I wore two pairs of pants to stay dry--and ripped one off in the elevator at the DGA building. How awkward.

But what really threw me off was that I then got a call for another job. From the BB family, for a junior story position. The kind of job I would have (still would in the future) killed for about a week before. So I froze up because I was so unsure to do. Do I walk from the new job that is a lesser position and bascically burn my bridge with the production company or do I stay with the sure thing. I called Valeska-who is my Miranda when it comes to work advice--and after some heavy breathing and thinking I realzied I was making it too complicated.

Cause I only needed to think with my wallet

The lower position would last three months or so while the new position would only be 3 or 4 weeks and I just couldn't afford to do that. I still spent the rest of day beating myself up not taking the story position (could this get me into story at BB?) but i knew that I did the smart thing. I am ambitious but not to the point of going broke--even though it feels like they go hand in hand.

But it is nice to be working. Not nice to readjusting to trying to get everything doen in my day. Ten hours at work plus commute plus wanting so much like writing and working out and relaxing--I need to do some balancing

But I am grateful for that

Quote of the Week

This comes from Joy regarding this weekend

"I live 4 the nights I'll never remember w/ the friends I'll never forget...."

True enough my dear.

Sometimes

Sometimes I wish I was more like the boyfriend. Johnno has this unique trait of not really giving a fuck. It's quite adorable at times but in others I find myself getting jealous of that abilty.

I always give a fuck.

I like to win things. I like to make people comfortable. I only like to do things well and don't waste my time with things that can make me look awkward or feel bad. It can be limiting and I know this and yet--

I still do them.

I guess what brough this up was the boy's birthday party this past weekend. He was looking for things to do and off the cuff I suggested a divey gay bar in Hollywood. I'm not sure why I did because I would never make the same type of plans for myself. I wouldn't want to put people out. But Johnno went right ahead and threw his plans out there--to take my straight guy friends, the girl crew and just put us all in the middle of go go dancers, rough trade and dirty heart of Hollyweird.

Everyone had an amazing time.

I wish I could be that comfortable forcing things. To sing karoke without caring if it might go bad, to strike up conversation without forethought, to just jump in with both feet and not think about how it could go wrong. To let things happen as opposed to controlling them, to relax and take deep breaths before going overboard.

But maybe that is why we work. He pushes me outside my comfort zone and I help him think things through. That we both bring abalance to the relationship that can only make things better.

Or maybe he is a better/more interesting/braver person. That is more likely.

687 or the Curse of Tech

So I haven't written in a bit. There's only one real reason and it is not my fault.

Really.

Shortly after returning from Seattle I found that my computer was acting strangely. It popped up with a virus--though not used in over a week--and in the process of trying to fix it I found it was getting worse. Really bad.

So I had to dig through my dwindling savings to find the money to get it fixed. The guy did an amazing job getting me up and running even though i was a mess the whole time. It's time like this, when I am freaking out and moody and all over the place that I realize one huge fact.

The boyfriend really does love me.

He put up with my moods, my frustration and my fears about all my lost work. I was pretty much Carrie Bradshaw in SATC where her apple crashes and she doesn't have a back-up and loses it. Yep. Me being stupid.

I need to stop tempting fate this way.

But all's well that ends well. Except now I have to double check everything and figure out the hows and whens of backing up the love machine.

Don't judge me--everything I own has a name.

PS 687 is the number of spyware/viruses/adware on my computer. thanks for nothing Norton!

The Young Adult Gay Jane Austen

Last night Johnno and I had a writing night scheduled. We have been trying to do this for the last few months—get together and work on our separate thing but still having dinner and conversation so we can hang out. Sometimes it works well—other times it becomes focused on one person’s work as a discussion point. I feel bad because it tends to be mine.

I have realized that when it comes to my writing that I tend to go thick. I like to create worlds of characters, fleshed out pieces of time and plot, which can be a bit haphazard when juggling so much story. I think it is because my personal taste is for books where average people become entrenched in life changing moments; the story is as much about the details of day to day as it is about plot.

What this means is that I tend to really flesh out things to an extreme which I suspect is from my background of soap watching and love of drama. I can’t do a story with just 3 characters-it tends to usually be about 6 or 7 people with one as the lad but the other stories that intersect and impact each other. I write more about relationships in a sub culture than just a simple A to B plot.

But what I have even come more to realize during this process is the type of writer I want to be. For so long I have just said that I am a writer with no clear definition to that idea. But now I am being more focused on what ‘might’ be my style. Between that and finishing plotting out the back of my book—

I feel like I have made a huge step forward in my own path as a writer. Feels good.

I am SO JEALOUS

From Chloe in San Francisco

Cagney & Lacey Reunite In SF

While we enjoy poking fun at the Chron, make no mistake that our love for Leah Garchik runs deep. Very deep. Take, for example, this story she broke on what could possibly be the greatest reunion since... well, the the greatest reunion, ever.

Tyne Daly and Sharon Gless, who became famous together in Cagney & Lacey, will be here this month. Daly's performing at the Rrazz Room Tuesday through Jan. 16; Gless stars in Z Space's "A Round-Heeled Woman," which opens Jan. 16
While they aren't scheduled to perform together, we can only hope Gless shows up at the Razz Room for a special appearance. And then someone hands them guns. "Freeze, turkey" should be shouted by one of them. We can't imagine this won't happen. They been known to perform a song or two together for special occasions



Not as classic as Joan Collins and Linda Evans doing their two woman show but it is right up. How awesome would this be if it returned to Los Angeles? I would be there with bells on--or shoulder pads, slacks and sensible shoes

Shallow

So I have been dealing with phone issues…

I hate cell phones. I swore I would never have one until I took a job down the street from LA’s Skid Row and figured for safety I should just bite the bullet. It was hard and I didn’t want to do it…But as is always my way-I fell in love with my phone





It had big keys, was thick and hefty, and could have possibly saved my life in a gun battle. I grew to love it—so much so that when I was mugged and the phone stolen I constantly would search my room for it the first five minutes of every day.

But eventually the screen just died. It wasn't me, it was him--the phone him. Boo.

So I was forced to get another phone. I was annoyed about not being able to replace my old one and was not in the best mood when I went shopping for a replacement. I didn’t want to spend any money on the phone, wanted it done as quickly as possible so I settled for the simplest free phone they had.



Eventually I fell in love with the sleekness of my phone. The weight didn’t drag down my pants when I would forget to wear a belt. The camera was much better and even though it was a slippery little sucker—I grew to love this phone as well. But as all good relationships, it ended suddenly and without any warning. It just one day cracked apart at the seams.

It was rather sad.

It also couldn’t have come at a worse time. I was getting ready to leave for Seattle, not working and sort of funds due to Christmas. But I knew I needed a phone so I had no choice but to suck it up and deal. I was in a rush and in the process forgot to get a new adaptor or box for the phone. 50 dollars later and I was good to go.

And it seemed all was fine. Until two days later, when waiting for Johnno to call, I managed to drop the phone in my bathroom sink while shaving. Fortunately I sprung into action and snapped the phone out of the water, popped out the battery and stuck the phone in rice before shoving it into the fridge.

For the most part it worked. I had to wait two days but the phone was dried out and useable even if the back speaker was shot. Even time it rang it sounded like a death knell but it was good for talking and texting so I just sucked it up.

What I wasn’t expecting was this





Somehow my adaptor melted down and fell apart in my hands—no reason or cause that I could figure out. So once again-in less than a month—I was out of a phone. And since I did not get a new adaptor with the phone I had no way to charge the damn thing up.

Of course this is just a long story to justify this






Yes it is a new phone. I could have fought for a new adaptor or made an exchange but instead I went on-line, found a free phone, and spent the little bit of cash I had to get something new and exciting.

I think it is pretty and I might be in love.

The Importance of Being Good

First of… Happy New Year.

I know it’s late.

I spent my time back from Seattle getting back into the swing of things. Working out, back on the diet, running last minute errands; it’s been rather boring but good. I think I needed to get back into the flow of real life.

But as New Year’s rolled around, I got to thinking about resolutions. I am a huge fan of setting goals and that night is one of best nights to get those type of thoughts flowing in my head. I started to go through all the usual lists—losing weight, better jobs, finishing the novel, working on my relationship. But the one I kept coming back to—the idea of being a better person.

Instead, I started to wonder what that means…

I like to believe that I am a good person. I spend out thank you notes, I try to get together with my friends when they need me, I try to be grateful for the parties and the invitations, that I can take care of myself and those I love. But I don’t know if it is enough.

I don’t call my family enough. I can be a difficult boyfriend sometimes. I don’t call people enough. I don’t leave sweet messages on Facebook pages. I don’t always give gifts at the right times. I don’t always talk nice. I don’t forget past slights.

I wonder if I am nice or if I am just imagining that.

I don’t know. Maybe we all wrestle with these thoughts, these doubts, these questions. That at the end of the day it is impossible to know if we are doing enough or if we just have to trust that we are doing the best that we can. I have to hope that is the case. But maybe I should work on figuring out what being a better person means for me.

Or at least change the negative things that I know for certain are negative.

We’ll see where this takes me.

Saga of Seattle

The Final 48

In the lead up to our trip, Johnno and I planned out our own Christmas game plan. I wasn’t keen on the idea of bringing gifts to Seattle to open in front of his parents—mostly because it was something that was meant to be personal and for us alone. So I made a plan for us to have a private Christmas the Sunday before we flew out—it worked out well because we would be doing Griffith Park Light stroll the night before then the next day was a holiday dinner party at Kelly and Johnny’s so it would feel very Christmasy.

Of course, I didn’t plan for the fact that on Saturday we would both be all over the place, tying up the loose ends for our trip. Lola and I had to exchange gifts, Johnno had to pack and clean up his apartment, I had to balance out check books and bills to send. So because of that, we just made it to the Light Stroll but still left things unaccomplished. And though I had fun at the Light Stroll, and at Johnny and Kelly’s post Lights, I knew there was still so much to do. So even though we kissed and wished each other a Merry Christmas, I was still worried when it came to me and Johnno’s last day.

So I woke him up Sunday morning with ‘Get up and get dressed bitch.’ Or so Johnno claims—which I kind of believe.

We made our way out of the house to run our last few errands. I really just wanted us to be able to settled in, no pending to-do list, once we decided to open our gifts. Johnno really wanted to go and buy an ornament for our first year together over the holidays and I really wanted to get the food we needed for the dinner party later. We made our way to Pier One and had an amusing exchange about how we both liked the same ornament but both thought the other would find it tacky. But he is cute.

His name is Arturo.

After we nailed down Arturo and food for the party, we came back and switched back into pjs for the gift swap. I think we both lucked out between clothes, cds, gift cards and various other items but more importantly, we made a moment just for us. Champagne and cuddling, music and a little bit of making out before we had to pull ourselves out of the moment and get out the door.

Then we headed off to the dinner with all the LA peeps still in town. Ali, Robin, Dominic, Thomas, Kelly, Johnny and a handful of other people made a night of it which felt very Misfit holiday in all the right ways. There was karaoke and cocktails, jokes and advice, and last minute holiday wishes between everyone there before Johnno and I headed out. We doubled checked our travel plans before he went home and I made some last minute to-do lists before bed.

The next day was pretty easy; I only had to wait for the super shuttle since Johnno had the suitcase with him so I spend my time doing all my last minute grooming between shaving and deep conditioning before making my way out. I was a bit worried because I can tend to get stressed out when traveling with other people but I made the airport in good time and found Johnno easily in the hustle and bustle of LAX.

What I wasn’t expecting was to be delayed.

Turns out the crew for our flight was somehow trapped in San Francisco so we were delayed about three hours—for a two and half hour flight. I was annoyed but mostly due to the fact that the announcer for Virgin America kept saying that we were delayed but that “all the other pending flights were on time, even those going to the East Coast since there was no weather issues so only Seattle had to wait.” I wanted to punch him.

It didn’t help that it finally set in that I was about to be dealing with Johnno’s folks and I was not really ready to accept whatever was about to happen. This led to me being in a pretty snotty mood and one that was wearing on Johnno over the course of the delay. It wasn’t until he snapped at me that I tried to get myself out of my funk—mostly because I realized that with the delay I would not have to share a supper with his parents once we arrived.

Even still, I did almost punch the Virgin American announcer when he pushed past me later. I mean, he did continue to make announcements about how we were stuck because they did not have a crew for our plane—it was just annoying to have that said constantly in a chipper voice. But we finally made our way to the plane and took off.

We held hands the entire flight—it seemed to help with the nerves.

Now I love flying so I was able to calm down by just staring out the window at the clear and pretty sky. Johnno spent the flight rocking out to music and I practiced taking deep breathes as we made our way up the coast. Once we landed, I basically didn’t even try to get off the plane because I needed more time to prep myself for what was to come. What can I say? I was a mess.

Eventually we had to get off the plane or risk looking like security risks.

Johnno and I made our way through the airport, me keeping one eye out for his folks why Johnno was more concerned about finding our luggage. He had worked so I think he was just very tired but I was worried his parents would spring out behind a column or up behind us. I wanted to stay alert and prepared.

I saw his mother first, alone and in a jaunty hat. I kept one eye peeled for his father since I was about being prepared. I hung back as Johnno greeted his mom and distracted myself by looking out for our luggage. I wasn’t expecting what happened next.

His mother came up hugged me—taking me by surprise.

The weird thing about this was that his mother barely said two words to me when we met last summer—matter of fact she only spoke to me when we left the restaurant and she suggested I looked tired and that Johnno should take me home. So the hug was weird.

So, sticking true to form, I made my way outside and had a smoke while updating my Facebook. I took the moment to try and adjust to the friendliness before heading back inside—but I somehow managed to blow past Johnno’s Dad outside and ignored him in the process. I only found this out after I headed back inside.

I will say I did feel bad.

Then we made our way out to Johnno’s sister’s house. We were staying there because the parents didn’t want us to stay at their house—which was fine with me. While the family made small talk, I stared out the car window into the darkness of Washington. It was very beautiful and woody, like ‘Twilight’ promised with a light fog and bright stars filling up the space between the thick trees—and as we continued I realized that Johnno really did live out in the middle of nowhere.

Eventually I chipped in little comments during the car ride but spent most of my time just trying to take in the scenery. His mother was friendly while Johnno and his father made conversation about sports and politics and local things—I didn’t really have much to add. But after a long ride, we finally made it to his sister Siobhan’s house which left me pleasantly surprised.

Johnno had, at the last moment, told me that she lived in a trailer park which I was weirded out by because I am a bit of snob. (I know) But it turns out that her house was just in a module home park and I would not need to be afraid of the house rolling off in the middle of the night. So we said our good byes and I began to prep for bed as Johnno caught up with his sister. She seemed tired so I just kept out of the way.

That and it had been a long day.

Saga of Seattle

Reality Sinks In

So because our flight had been so delayed, it was decided that Johnno and his dad would reschedule their plans to drive out to visit his grandfather. The long story short, Johnno’s grandfather was sick and was possibly going to die in the near future so he planned to ride off and visit with him while I would be left to hang out with his mother one on one. I wasn’t looking forward to it-like I said, she had barely spoken to me in the past—but I understand how important it was.

But because all of us didn’t end up in bed till about 3am, it was decided it would be better for us to spend out day running errands for the upcoming week. Johnno’s dad would be taking us grocery shopping on the local Navy base (I KNOW!) so we could get the food we needed for the diet as well as pick up booze for Johnno’s special punch for a party later in the week. So after some hemming and hawing we finally pulled ourselves together and headed out the door once his dad drove over.

Being on military base is weird, mostly because I had only been on Fort Devens back East, but also because I didn’t realize how much of the area was really just a Navy Town. But we managed to run through our errands easily however, I started to realize that Johnno’s Dad wasn’t really talking to me but around me. I let it go as we checked things off our list but in the car ride back to Siobhan’s it was starting to become uncomfortable as Johnno struggled to keep me involved in the conversation but his dad wasn’t taking the bait.

It probably wouldn’t have bother as much as did except once we got to Siobhan’s Johnno left me in the car with his father alone. He ran the food into the house so that we could keep going about the town but not before he had to tell his father to ‘tell Rory the story since he has never heard it’. During this exchanged I shot Johnno death stares from the backseat of the car because the only thing about being in an awkward conversation is TALKING about being in an awkward conversation. But Johnno’s Dad and I managed to forced conversation about the film ‘The Deer Hunter’ (Of all things!) while I prayed for some type of freak accident to stop the awkwardness. No such luck.

After forever, Johnno, Dad and I were on the road to kill some time. Turns out that Dad had an eye appointment so we were going to drop him off so Johnno could show me the town for a bit—which I was excited about. I spent the ride to the doctor’s just staring out at all the scenery because I am a sucker for mountains and clear air which the town had in spades while Johnno debated what to do with our free hour.

Dropping his dad off, Johnno took me through to downtown Poulsbo and explained the history of the places we passed. It was nice to hear about his childhood and the neighborhood he grew up in as we drove by where Siobhan got married and the various stores that he used to shop for used books and pastries. We eventually made our way down by the water and parked the car and sat there for a moment, holding hands and alone in the silence. I never knew that there was so much water in Washington but it was beautiful to stare out at all the boats and docks—reminded me of Nantucket.

Taking the moment’s pause, we finally headed off on foot through the main streets down by the water. I knew that Johnno had said it was a town founded by Norwegiens but I wasn’t really expecting everyone to be so blond, blue eyed and pale like he was—it was kind of trippy. And then we made our way through the dowtown which was like walking through a hallway of cuckoo clocks with all the Alpine decorated buildings, pretty but strange at the same time. I have to admit I fell in love with it.

After a lunch at a local British pub, during which Johnno left to get his father back from the doctor’s, we made our way back to his parent’s house. I got a slight tour of the house and ended up making out with the boy in his childhood bedroom which was pleasant if awkward since his parents were down the hall. But then it was time for us to head out and try to change for dinner with Johnno’s grandmother, aunt and cousin.

The dinner was nice if a bit much—his cousin was awesome and quite a bit like my brother which was nice and familiar, but I wasn’t seated next to his aunt who was a bit strange. I got the vibe that she was forcing herself to polite to me which made me uncomfortable but his cousin’s one year old son made the meal a bit more enjoyable. That and Siobhan and I kept exchange looks of “WTF” through the meal.

Dinner done and it was time for Siobhan, Johnno and I to head out and hit the town. She had made plans with some of her friends to meet up at a local townie bar and so we were off. It is weird, because everything is so tied to the naval base, to be in a bar full of service men. It’s not like there were uniforms or anything but you could tell who was in the armed forces and who wasn’t. Siobhan introduced us to her friends Jay and Allie and the five us proceeded to drink which led to both Johnno and I get quite a bit tipsy.

What can I say? The drinks are very cheap.

And that was the saving grace of the day—hanging out with Siobhan and really getting a chance to know her. She is like a weird hybrid of my mother (At that age-25) and my brother (Townie drinker and partier) but a lof of fun and could see myself being friends with her away from Johnno. And even with all the awkwardness of dealing with service men, Jay was very friendly and nice—something that comes from moving around a lot for work. It was nice to relax and not worry about who or what was going on.

I slept well that night.

Saga of Seattle

It Waits For No One—Even on Vacation

The third day of the trip was to be the first of several visits to Seattle proper—Johnno had plan two sets of lunch plans in the city and I was excited. I had been dying for some time alone with the boy and showing me his city seemed the perfect way to spend the day. His mother brought us down to the ferry—we were going cross Puget Sound to the city—and soon we were off and running.

Now I have been on plenty of ferries (Shut your mouth) but there was something really beautiful about going across the waters. Maybe it was seeing all the trees along the shore or the mountains off in the distance but the day was clear and so pretty. And it was surreal to see the Space Needle off in the distance. It felt like I was finally really in Washington.

After a half hour, we made our way off the boat and over to Pike’s Place for our first lunch. As we wandered around the various shops, restaurants and bakeries, I was a bit bummed to find out they no longer toss fish due to PETA but also realized that flying fish would probably freak me out. We eventually stumbled across the 1st Starbucks, where I had to have a coffee, but it wasn’t all that. But it is cool to have that charge on my bank statement.

Then it was time for lunch one. This lunch was to be with Johnno’s old co-workers from Washington Mutual so I expected to basically just sit back and watch more than anything. It was a weird lunch, mostly because it was a group of people who didn’t share much more than an office space, and didn’t seem to hang out much outside of the job. But Johnno got to catch up about all his old co-workers and where they ended up after Washington Mutual collapsed which was kind of funny. They were all nice and I had a good, if small, meal in a new place. This even though I was shaking at points because I was so cold.

After some polite conversation Johnno and I headed out into the city. We wondered through the nooks and crannies of the city in search of a Trader Joe’s. We were off to find some almond flour for dinner the next day which allowed Johnno to show off some sights. I was able to see there city’s amazing library, the building looks like it was built upside down, and one of Johnno’s old office buildings; though the city has it’s own flavor it has enough hills to challenge San Francisco and was glad when we got to flat land.

The Trader Joe’s was up past Capitol Hill, Seattle’s answer to Boys town, and Johnno was able to point out all the various bars, stores and places he lived as we made our way through the town. It is weird, I have never lived in a Boys town type environment and forget that Johnno’s life pre Los Angeles was a lot like ‘Queer As Folk’ with him living along the big gay drag of Seattle. He showed me where his old apartment building used to be, the clubs that he had told me he missed and even the drag nightclub he used to work at.

Eventually we found the Trader Joe’s and were making out way towards our next lunch restaurant when his phone rang. It was his mother, calling to let Johnno know that his grandfather had taken a turn for the worse and was in early kidney failure. I was at a loss as how to be helpful while Johnno and his mom debated what to do next. His father doesn’t have a cell phone so everything was on hold until he could be reached and both of us worried that we would have to cancel our lunch plans with his friends Brad and Erik.

This wouldn’t be a big deal—there was a chance that his grandfather could die soon—except for the simple fact that Brad had to be as equally important. The story of Brad was simple—Johnno’s friend has a brain tumor and at best has about 14 months to live. This was probably the last chance that Johnno would get to see his friend and it was important for that reason. And as we made our way to the lunch, all I could think was “Really God? You have to stack up all the deaths and gloom two days before Christmas?” And I felt useless and actually disappeared to vent on voicemail to both Edie and Kirby—because it felt bad to vent to Johnno.

Eventually Brad and Erik joined us at the restaurant and we had our second lunch on pins and needles. I felt the need to hang back and put social Rory in a corner—if only because this meal was about making time between Johnno and Brad and not about some boyfriend that Brad would probably only meet once. But we had a great time talking about the things Erik and Brad had been doing, looking at pictures of his brain surgery and listening to Brad’s plans for the future.

And for someone who is facing death, Brad was cheerful though he can barely read and has problems holding conversation. We talked about cruises and their mutual friends, joked about the holidays, and had pleasant conversation. It was a bit difficult at points, not because of Brad, but because we were still waiting to find out what would happen with Johnno’s grandfather. I was worried for myself because if Johnno was going to try and say good bye then I would have to go with him and his father since the hospital was on the other side of Seattle. It just felt like I would be in the way and while it was selfish, I knew I didn’t want to do that. I just didn’t want to be a problem to handle while they dealt with that.

Eventually Johnno’s mother called as we wrapped up lunch and we realized that we would need Erik and Brad to give us a ride back to the ferry to make it in time to do anything. This led to me and Brad riding together in the back of the car so Johnno could give directions. We had a nice conversation about various things he had been doing and I was stuck sad by just how sweet and funny Brad was. I can’t imagine what his life must feel like and I felt bad for his poor boyfriend Erik as well. Brad was Erik’s first boyfriend and he had come out of the closet to be with him—just so tragic.

We finally said good bye out side the ferry and Johnno and I had to run to make the boat back across the Sound. During this time, it came out that Johnno’s father had decided that Johnno did not need to go and see his grandfather so there was no rush to get back to town. I was struck by how weird this was—just because it had been such a goal of the time up in Seattle. I asked if Siobhan was going and found out that Johnno’s grandparents had costly cut off Johnno’s sister due to her getting married so young and that she was not part of any plan to visit with grandfather. It was the first time I realized how odd the family dynamic really was.

With no plan to visit his grandfather, Johnno and I could be clear to head off to his friend’s party that night. His friend Kate has an annual Christmas party with her family and this was to be the last year so Johnno was eager to go. I was excited to meet Kate finally and it helped that it was more time with his friends than his family. It would be less stressful.

In the car ride back to Siobhan’s, I drifted off in the backseat as Johnno and his mother talked out the grandfather situation and how the grandparents decided that it should only be their sons up at the hospital. I tried to fake sleep as Johnno’s mom talked about how she was used to being ignored by the family and even joked to me about how their family was crazy. I faked a snore in response that statement.

No way was I taking the bait.

After we arrived at Siobhan’s, the family talked about the situation while I went to take a nap. I was tired and drained from everything that had happened so far but was grateful when Johnno finally joined me in bed. It felt like no time before we had to jump up out of bed and get prepped for Kate’s party. I was unsure what to wear or what would happen since everyone seemed so relaxed in Seattle but figured I would just go all LA and let it happen.

Johnno borrowed Siobhan’s car and we headed off to the party. On the way there, Johnno pointed out where he had his first job, the neighborhood that he and Kate had grown up in and told me little bits of story about the family. I needed a smoke and a break before heading into the house—I was starting to get overwhelmed at what promised to be a large party.

Entering the house I realized that Kate’s party was exactly like Robin and Ali’s Christmas party—except I knew no one besides Johnno. I can barely handle the large groups of friends I know so this promised to be difficult in the beginning but once we nailed down drinks and food I started to get fine. Johnno had told me that his friends were mostly band geeks and kind of nerdy which turned out to be true—one was a biochemist, one was a former umpire, another was a teacher—they were all interesting. But what crackled me up most was as the party started to wind down, they put on the film ‘White Christmas’ in close captioning so they could sin along. It was surreal.

But it was a nice ending to the party—drinks and music, new friends and being shown off by the boyfriend. So we made our way home, tired but cuddly, and I got another tour of his neighborhood which included the high school. The only bummer?

I couldn’t convince him to make out in the parking lot.

Saga of Seattle

Twilight Oversells the Excitement of the Pacific Northwest

So it was decided that the next day Johnno would head off with his father to visit his grandfather in the hospital. Turns out that his kidneys weren’t failing but rather the doctor had changed grandfather’s meds without telling the nursing home—so when bodily fluids changed everyone panicked for no reason. What this meant for me was that I would be left alone at the house while Siobhan went to work and Johnno took off with his father.

What to do in backwoods Washington? Besides look for glitter boys and wolf abs?

No worries, I was left with a bunch of food I had to prepare for the family while they went about their day. I was a bit put out by this—mostly because I would be preparing either things I couldn’t eat or things I didn’t know how to make like chocolate fudge. Simple things like that.

So I spent the day counting the hours till Johnno would be home, watching A&E’s ‘The First 48’ (a show about real life murder investigations) because I couldn’t figure out how to change the television, and trying to figure out how to melt chocolate without melting it. And there was no coffee, the house was cold and I was in a pleasant mood. It didn’t help when Johnno texted me that he would not be back before the family dinner at 6—even though he left at 9am. I felt trapped.

So I peeled potatoes, burnt beef, made a salad by picking nuts out of a cocktail mix while resisting the urge to murder Siobhan’s loud and needy cat. But eventually Siobhan showed up and we had a nice talk about various things like her boys, Vegas, her family and where she hid the TV remote from the cat. I was still annoyed at not getting any time with the boyfriend but took a nap to try and get over it.

Eventually it was time to get up and dressed for the Christmas Eve/Johnno’s mother’s birthday dinner. I was still a bit cranky and it took a while for me to warm up to the family because I wasn’t thanked for any of my kitchen help. (Except from Johnno. And his mother much later on in the night after a drink of punch.) I was also very put off by the fact that Johnno’s dad was still not talking to me at all but yet when Siobhan’s friends Jay and Allie (From the bar two nights before) showed up—he was all about talking with Jay.

It also didn’t help things that the weird family dynamics continued to play out with Johnno’s Dad forgetting it was his wife’s birthday but instead kept wishing Siobhan a happy birthday. But it was amusing to see Johnno’s mom get a bit tipsy from one glass of punch and she loosed up enough to talk more than a few words. She was quite funny once she got started—even if Johnno’s Dad kept to himself in the living room while we all sat around the dining room table. I guess he was done dealing with us.

But at least this annoyed Johnno too so I wasn’t alone in that feeling. But once the parents left for the night, Jay Allie, Johnno, Siobhan and I got down to some drinks and shit talking which was a great time. It still surprises me how cool solider Jay was with both Johnno and I—which speaks more to my own misconceptions about the Navy than anything. But they did help relax me.

That and the fact that Johnno and I were heading back to Seattle the next morning to stay with his friends Jonathan and Pikachu until we would fly out. I don’t think I have ever been so eager to pack a suitcase in my life and was more than ready to get my Boystown on.

Saga of Seattle

Boys Make My Palms Sweat

So it was the final morning with Johnno—a Christmas gift of sorts—but we still had to wait and see if the infamous gift would make an appearance. I spent the morning repacking our suitcase-aka Big Red- before Johnno even had a chance to shower I was so eager to get on with the next leg of the journey.

Eventually Siobhan arrived with her oldest son, back from his father’s house, and all was left to do was wait for the parents to arrive. I spent my time preparing snacks for the gift exchange to come since I didn’t want any excuses for us to have to stay and linger. Johnno kept an eye on me as I bustled around the house and prepared everything to hit the ground running.

His mom and dad finally showed up with gifts in hand and we sat down for the gift exchange. I sat as far away from the family scene as much as possible and waited to see how things would play out. Turns out having a grandson to open tons of gifts means that the focus is strictly on him and Johnno and I were able to exchange our final gifts with little to no fanfare. I was also touched when Siobhan gave me a gift herself and felt guilty that I didn’t have one for her.

But instead, I decided to help her out by setting up her son’s new television and Play Station 3 while the family swapped gifts between the older kids. While I was trying to make the wires work, Johnno was handed to wrapped gifts and told they were calendars—one for him and one for ‘someone else’. The gift fiasco avoided, I spent my time watching video games in the boys’ bedroom while the family hung out in the living room.

It worked out well.

Then it was time for Johnno and I to be dropped off at the Seattle ferry to meet up with his friends in the city. I was a bit sad to say good bye to Siobhan—she was really amazing and reminded me so much of my mother and brother combined that I was a bit nostalgic for my own family. But after a quick hug—which surprised us both—Johnno and I were off with the parents. As I watched the woods fade away, I held Johnno’s hand and felt myself start to relax as his mother tried to convince me that I should love the Pacific Northwest. She was very subtle about her intentions there.

But eventually it was time for the final good bye and I managed to hug Johnno’s mom and shake his father’s hand instead of riding Big Red down the gangplank to the ferry. In the end, it could have been better and less confusing but we survived as a couple and it did make us stronger. Plus now—the first visit is out of the way.

I spent the ferry ride just feeling all the tension starting to drift away as Johnno made small talk. I could tell he was eager for me to meet the boys, Pikachu and Jonathan, which made me a bit nervous but in a different way. Because the truth is, I usually don’t make friends with other gay guys easily. I’m not sure what that is about but I knew I would be trying really hard since I knew how important they were to him.

Plus he has had to deal with my friends for 11 months now.

There was two other things that put me off about meeting the boys; one is that Johnno, Pikachu and Jonathan have a podcast they do once a week and I had been talked about on the show multiple times which was akin to being on a reality show and meeting the staff at the wrap party. They know all about you but you don’t have any idea who they are.

The other part was that Pikachu and Johnno had dated years ago. It wasn’t a grand love affair by all accounts but between meeting him and Brad—I had spent a notable amount of time with boys who had seen my boyfriend naked. And while I like to think I am not competitive—broomball and ex boyfriends bring it out in me. Which I think amuses Johnno but I also think that is because he won’t ever really meet any of mine. Exes, in my life, tend to be like fashion trends—you did them and groan a little when you see pictures of yourself with them.

That aside, I was more than ready to drink, hold hands, and kiss with Johnno away from his parents and their prying eyes. Pikachu met us at the ferry and we were off to Capital Hill—aka Boys Town. I sat in the backseat of the car as Johnno and Pikachu caught up during the drive through the city—I could feel myself nervous and tired but ready to just sit on a couch and just observe for a bit.

We arrived at the boys’ apartment—which was cute and very West Hollywood like—were Jonathan was busy cooking Christmas dinner for us. The place had a fun kitschy feel to it—with S&M reindeer, tasteful nude artwork and garish Santas sprinkled through out—and I was quickly had a drink made of Crown Royal and cider to wash away the cold. I was amused as I watched Jonathan and Pikachu bicker over dinner as Johnno which made himself home by breaking out the Wii.

The boys and I bowled while Jonathan made like a housewife with the food prep in between bouts of showing off his various china and flatware collections. I could see why Johnno had liked Pikachu but could also see how Jonathan and Pikachu made more sense as a couple. They were very amusing in their ‘Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?’ relationship.

Dinner ended up being delicious and served up on tv trays with the best china while we watched ‘French Cooking’ with Julia Child. It was kind of like being in Brini Maxwell show—goofy and witty with plenty of drinks and laughter to be had. After awhile, I began to cut back on the drinks, I just couldn’t keep up as the boys continued with shots and beer and wine. It was very much an adult gay boy’s night in.

But Johnno was eager to show me all his former bars and haunts so after dinner we put Pikachu to bed—he had to work the next day—while me and the two J’s ended out into Boys Town. I was a bit worried that I wasn’t dressed for a night out, I can be very LA without meaning too, and I don’t really hang out in Boys Town type place very often. But heading out with two eager and buzzed boys makes it easy to be relaxed and I couldn’t help but feeling like showing off a little bit as I held Johnno’s hand.

The first bar he took me too was kind of a bear bar but with out all the leather and sneers—the novelty of the place was the way they made their drinks. Johnno had warned me that the drinks were made for ‘big boys’ but I kind of laughed off the description. But I was wrong—the drinks were thick and strong and made me gald I had slowed down hours before.

(If you want to know how strong—grab the largest glass in your house, pour 80 percent vodka, a big handful of ice, then garnish with tonic. Seriously people—how was that legal?)

Afterwards we continued our way down the strip, stopping in all the various bars on the way. There was the average ‘just hang out with pop music and pool tables’ bar, the pretentious hipster bar which more LA than ANY bar I had been in, then the weird hybrid bar with bears and daddies and a pop dance floor. It was funny to hear Jonathan’s descriptions of every bar cause he hated them but Johnno would then defend them while I would just hang behind and hold his hand with one and my drink with another.

It was a good time and nice to be in the gay environment after all the family time.

Eventually we headed back up the hill with both J’s buzzed while I shivered in my non winter coat. But Pikachu had made up the bed for us and I gladly tumbled into the warm sheets. Even if I had to wait for Johnno to pull himself together post all the cocktails.

But that night I spent while in his arms and was happy that I made the trip. This is one of few moments.