Sometimes

Sometimes I wish I was more like the boyfriend. Johnno has this unique trait of not really giving a fuck. It's quite adorable at times but in others I find myself getting jealous of that abilty.

I always give a fuck.

I like to win things. I like to make people comfortable. I only like to do things well and don't waste my time with things that can make me look awkward or feel bad. It can be limiting and I know this and yet--

I still do them.

I guess what brough this up was the boy's birthday party this past weekend. He was looking for things to do and off the cuff I suggested a divey gay bar in Hollywood. I'm not sure why I did because I would never make the same type of plans for myself. I wouldn't want to put people out. But Johnno went right ahead and threw his plans out there--to take my straight guy friends, the girl crew and just put us all in the middle of go go dancers, rough trade and dirty heart of Hollyweird.

Everyone had an amazing time.

I wish I could be that comfortable forcing things. To sing karoke without caring if it might go bad, to strike up conversation without forethought, to just jump in with both feet and not think about how it could go wrong. To let things happen as opposed to controlling them, to relax and take deep breaths before going overboard.

But maybe that is why we work. He pushes me outside my comfort zone and I help him think things through. That we both bring abalance to the relationship that can only make things better.

Or maybe he is a better/more interesting/braver person. That is more likely.