Tick Tick Boom

So my mother trapped me last night in a phone call... We've been talking more lately due to family issues and my own resolution to make more of an effort. But even still there are times when I wish I could shake her like I do my phone...

Cause she had to ask about babies.

Now I should have expected this as a natural off shoot of any wedding conversation. It's something she's always hinted about wanting to know & for the most part I haven't had an answer because I've just been pushing it out of my head.

But with Kelly and Johnny trying for a baby and all the social shifting because of that has been a recent topic with lots of people and for some reason it became one with us.

Now the thing is I would have no problem being a parent--I adore kids, nannied them, taught them and enjoy their presence. But for me and Johnno it would be an expensive legal process which would probably make me have to give up my freelance career or have Johnno be the primary parent.

I couldn't do that to any of them.

This used to make me feel selfish--that money & my career would be a reason to forego kids... It feels like I'm making it all about me when the truth is the opposite.

I think it would be more selfish to have kids when I can't give everything they would need. This isn't even taking into account how hard it would be for us to get to have a child to raise.

Maybe it would be different if we could just get pregnant by accident but that is not going to happen. Which my mother gets but I think she was expecting some kind of baby clock to go off with me.

It won't happen without a huge income different that only the lotto could provide. And even then I'm not sure. My only worry is who would be the Dorothy to my Sophia but I suspect I will have more than enough Rose & Blanches to get through it.

So no boom goes the dynamite

Snap of the Day

I just love koi fish--they are so pretty

Want

Valeska is in vacation in Florida and simply sends me this photo cause she thought I'd like it...

I WANT EVERYTHING ON THAT TABLE

Seriously pricing it out in my head.

BOOK WHORE

BOOK WHORE

"The Hundred Secret Sense"
by Amy Tan (3 stars)

While Amy Tan again proves that she is an amzing voice in the Asian experience I really just couldn't get into this book nearly enough. I think because from the begining you know where the plot is going to go and how it will all play out and that detracts from the overall story quite a bit.

But I do really enjoy the Olivia character--her perspective on herself, her marriage and her relationship with her sister is pretty spot on from my own epxerience... I wish I understood better why she loved Simon as much as she did and that Kwan was at least allowed to be angry and call Olivia out on things instead of just taking things. But that is not how the world works in the Amy Tan experience and I think the demurness of the female characters is what gets to me.

But the prose is pretty and full and lush which I always love.

Note To Self

You obviously need to wear headbands more off cause you know how to rock them... Seriously it just looks awesome.

Golden Gay

Sometimes you feel like Sophia Petrillo....

Spoiled

Spoiled

So this was the Christmas haul this year--primarily from the boyancee... It's more than it looks like with some jewelry, some more books and a couple of missing gifts represented by pictures in the mix. It's not that I'm bragging but it made me a bit uncomfortable

And it is a little bit bragging.

This year was the first year that Johnno had a well paying job, a job he wanted and so he went overboard with the holiday. Part of it was us working on doing gift lists to make things easier, part of it was how vocal I had been about not buying myself things for the wedding but I think the biggest part was that he was finally able to spoil me for all the times he felt I spoiled him.

It made me uncomfortable to not have as much for him as he got for me.

And I know this is being petty and silly--that I should just be grateful but when a person is really good to me I don't really know how to handle it. I think I do, I think it doesn't bother me, but it does make me the center of attention and getting my needs met which I am not used to. And I have to get used to letting Johnno because that is what marriage is going to be about--not the gifts but letting him treat me well and me not getting all weird about it.

And the presents will help.

Fashion Bitch

For some reason I am dying for this shirt... It's like part of me wants to join a 70s tribute band for Liberace or something. I think this retro vintage thing I love might be going way to far

It's So Cold

Winter has finally hit Los Angeles in full force which has led to me dressing for work like Macy Gray/Grace Jones love child..... I'm one poncho away from a Stevie Nicks video

A Sexy Start

Anderson Cooper is giving me the motivation I need to lose weight for the wedding... I just want to have my own sexy shower cap moment soon. Edie is totally jealous.

To New Beginings

Here's To Getting Things Started Off Right




I figure everyone should start the New Year with a dance party!!! At least this one is pretty much a full on hits list and not something lame yanked together by Spotify or something... ENJOY!!!

You Dont Win Friends With Salad

(one of my favorite lines from the Simpons ever.)


So I have been working on being vegan... It's not about animal cruelty but more about wanting to get healthier, faster and run cleaner. It's been a challange to go from carb free to most eating fruits and veggies--I miss cheese tremendously--but it's nice to have grapes and carrots and watermelon back

yum

The hardest part has been eating right and enough. I deciced to get back on track eating wide by counting calories and trying to stick with a set diet of 2000 calories a day. It's a lot for me in general but it's important for me to make sure I feed myself properly. I didnt realize how off my numbers were until I tallied up my average lunch and found it was barely 200 calories.

This would explain my constant need for naps after work--my body was trying to shut down.

So I have started to try and rebuild how I see food. I force myself to eat a bigger lunch, pay attention to what really goes on my plate and how it makes me feel. I try not to let myself go to far with the analyzing--I am always a few steps away from reliving my eating disorder years--but trying to see what I do and why I do it. It's good to learn to better one's self.

Now if only more of the vegan resteraunts in LA delivered. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to eat like this outside of a major city.

Something Old Is Going to Be The Cheese

We are not having a vegan wedding.

I know that some people have been concerned that since i have changed my eating habits that I might inflict this onto other people via the big gay wedding. I'm not crazy enough to do this to guests unaccustomed to eating with out the animals--plus the idea of people who dont know how to eat vegan drinking from an open bar gives me flashbacks to the infamous Vomiturium party of years back.

It would not be pretty.

And if I am honest--I will not be eating vegan the day of the wedding myself. It's mostly because I want to have my wedding cake which cannot be made vegan and also because I want to enjoy myself and not constantly have to be questioning what I am eating and where it came from. I'm not planning on eating a huge steak or anything but I will have cheese with champaign if I want to.

It might be a bad idea but I have always loved my bad decisions.

It's been funny working out a new way to eat and prepare and regard food. It has made me be more creative and more aware but even with that--it's been rewarding more than annoying. But when it comes to my wedding I just picture myself relaxing and really celebrating and I have not gotten to the place where vegan dishes make me feel as good as some of my favorite comfort foods.

I just want to eat drink and be married that day--and a nice feta will help that out immensely.

My entire relationship summed up in one simple sentence

Per Johnno
"I don't think this relationship works unless one or the other of us is completely appalled at any given time... "

It's much better than indifference

Happy Birthday To Me



Why a picture of Joshua Jackson for my special day? Cause my love for him--just like myself in general--is quite timeless.

Just A Hot Child In The City
All I want is for things to cool down and for me to be cool enough to wear outfits like this...





I just want to be living out that 70's player vibe...



PS I totally bought jeans like the one's in the Joan Collins picture.... Love that skinny jeans might be done for a bit

ME IN TWO WORDS

The Power of No

I recently came to notice how much I use the word no... I was flying back from a wedding and thinking about my life and how I handle things--how negative I can be--and how I want to change that... Part of it is how quickly I negate things--no I dont eat that, no I dont want to wear that, no I dont have the time to write, no I dont want to try that...

Its a bigger list than that.

So I'm trying to find a way to turn things to the positive... Instead of I dont eat burgers--I choose to eat portbella mushrooms grilled instead--I choose to wear my hippy goofy clothes instead of hating on black pieces and boring ties--I want to work on knowing new people instead of saying no to strangers.. I'm hoping this wil push me further into trying new things, thinking new ways and find new avenues for myself.

It's time to say yes

Something Blue Shouldnt Be Sadness

So me and Johnno have been gearing up to pick a date and a loction for the wedding... It's been really hard to do... And this past week I had a bit of a heartbreak and broke down over the internet

"I just have to complain... So yesterday the wedding planner saw the space that Johnno & I had been really invested in... It's awful in person--she pretty much said it is small dark & would take more than 2 hours to make nice... It wasnt worth our time and money...

I don't even know what to do anymore... I thought it was seriously the space and that we would be good to go... And now its starting all over again

I beginning to seriously regret even wanting a wedding... It's just been so hard & nothing works...."

It's been really miserable to try and plan this wedding at points... Finding a space that is nice and reasonably priced and fits our personalities as turned out to be difficult.. I constantly worry about timeframe and money and whether we can make anyone happy with this--muchless ourselves.

And I know I'm being too hard on myself--and Johnno by default--and I have to let go of this energy. Hopefully this new space I found might work. I need to have something work out....

Just Zulu

My brother is a heroin addict

I just have to start there to get it out of the way. I found this out from my mother when I was in Vegas with Kelly and Johnno at the end of April. I was told the same way I am always told things--an off hand voicemail from my mother with no indication what is coming.

But I wasnt surprised.

She didnt know at first why he went to rehab--she assumed it was because of his drinking but I knew it had to be more. In high school both my brother and I dabbed in drugs--I liked a line or two of cocaine which I gave up due to an astham attack which high and my prefernce for my eating disorder. Michael though kept trying different drugs, becoming more brazen to the point that he was smoking pot with my dad.

I'm pretty sure he bought it for my dad.

ANd I knew that the drugs were always around--part of his social circle and never that far away. I knew that things were still going on back at his wedding when I walked into the wrong room at the wrong time. I shrugged off the pot, didnt see the coke and knew nothing about the heroin and pills.

That came later.

So when my mom told me I was surprised but suspicous about why he wa in rehab. And then when I talked to her on Mother's Day I found out that he had been kicked out of rehab for using the word faggot, he had got my mother to give him money to check into a new facility and finally explained about the drugs he was on.

I couldnt believe she believed him but figured we would talk more when she came out to meet Johnno. And I was right...

I asked her point blank if she had talked to my father about what was going on--I dont know why I bothered because I already knew the answer to the question. Cause the answer is always the same.

She didnt want to talk to him.

So I finally got involved. I called my dad to ask what he knew, when he last spoke to Mike and what was going on... Turns out Mike lied abuot why he was kicked out of rehab--he had tested dirty for heroin after getting caught licking a tainted envelope that someone smuggled in. He had conned my father out of a chunk of money claimimg it was for his daughters. He had stolen his wife's paycheck for even more cash and his friends already cut him off.

It's fucked up.

And I asked him the same question--if he had tried to talk to my mother.

It was the same answer.

So I became pissed off. I spent so much time growing up trying to be the gatekeeper, the peacemaker, the dealbroker. I used a lot of energy trying to make everyone happy from my parents to my step parents to my brother. It never worked because they were all so consumed with petty vendettas more than making bridges over troubled waters. It's part of motivated me to get good grades, to fuel my ambitions, to get in a great college...

I wasnt going down with the ship.

But now it's all stirred up again. That feeling that I HAVE to be the one to make the adults see reason. To be the one to explain that they have to talk so Mike doesnt continue to play them off each other for money or smokes or a place to stay. I had to scream and threaten to get the idea of them joining forces by talking and working together. It's the only thing I can do from LA to help.

And it still doesnt work.

And at this point I dont understand it--they have been divorced and remarried for years longer than they were ever marrried. I dont understand how they can let their pride and past slights interfer with their only chance to help save their son. It's next to impossible to kick heroin--its going to take a lot from all of us to help him and yet they still want to bicker and point fingers.

It makes me feel 13 again.

And it is to the point where I feel I have to threaten to cut them off from me if they dont pull it together. To tell them that I will NEVER be able to forgive them if they cant join forces to try and help Mike get the tools he needs to save him self. If he dies--I just think that will be the end of my relationship with them because if they are that disfunctional then I cant be apart of their lives anymore.

I know that I do have things easier--Mike will not show up at my door unexpectedly or call me for money... He can't access me the same way that he can my parents but I am still doing all I can to fight for him. But I cant do it alone.

And I need my parents to come together for him. They made a commitment to us.