The saddest boy in Whoville

Tonight was just really sad… Technically tomorrow is my birthday but I was out tonight to go skating and I decided to go to the bar afterwards because Johnno had to go to bed early for school and work. It’s been a long time that I’ve been feeling lonely and tonight just really put a focus on it – – being at the bar at midnight when my birthday started and realizing I had nobody to celebrate with. And I know so much of this is my fault – – I’ve just hid my birthdate and I prioritize my job over my relationships and we’re still dealing with the repercussions of the stay at home order. I just felt really lonely and I haven’t felt that way since I was a kid and all of this started back up. And part of this loneliness is my fault. I have never trusted in my friendships or relationships of people and this is the outcome… The sense of loneliness and just feeling like maybe I don’t matter just so many people. I don’t know what to do with that feeling or how to reconcile between the life that I’ve built around me and the life that I feel like I’m living. I’m over thinking things and it’s late and I’m hungry and sleepy.  I need to wake up tomorrow and just trust the people who matter will show up and if not I have to think about what I need to do to bring them back into my life.