Quote of a Lifetime
“If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with.” Michael Jackson
I just can't begin to handle this.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
It's Not Me and Yet the Mirror Says It Is
I know this shouldn't bother me. I feel silly putting it to words but as I sit in my room late Sunday evening I can't help but feel a little bummed. With Johnno so close now, it is much easier and simple for us to spend the night away since it is so much easier to get together. But that said
Tonight is the first Sunday night we have spent sleeping in seperate beds since we began "dating". I didn't even think about that until I was out of his car and making my way into the apartment and it made me a bit sad. I feel foolish and silly for even having these thoughts and yet I wish he was here with me. Even though it doesn't make sense.
It's probably a combination of him heading off to Seattle for next weekend, my work schedule which will change our dynamics since we have almost always had time and I understand that in a very rationally way. But emotionally?
I kind of wish he was here with me.
I know this shouldn't bother me. I feel silly putting it to words but as I sit in my room late Sunday evening I can't help but feel a little bummed. With Johnno so close now, it is much easier and simple for us to spend the night away since it is so much easier to get together. But that said
Tonight is the first Sunday night we have spent sleeping in seperate beds since we began "dating". I didn't even think about that until I was out of his car and making my way into the apartment and it made me a bit sad. I feel foolish and silly for even having these thoughts and yet I wish he was here with me. Even though it doesn't make sense.
It's probably a combination of him heading off to Seattle for next weekend, my work schedule which will change our dynamics since we have almost always had time and I understand that in a very rationally way. But emotionally?
I kind of wish he was here with me.
Happiness
So the other day I realized that most of my posts have been negative. And when they are semi-bitchy, they're not really forthcoming in any major way. And then Lucy wrote this blog entry about being happy and how that makes it hard to write. It's true.
Somehow being happy means lack of conflict, the end of the struggle, the smooth sailing in whatever narrative you invested in--tv, novel, blog. But I also think that most people don't like to write about being content or hapy because it feels like bragging or showing off. That talking about happiness is akin to rubbing someone else's face in their own unhappiness, their own strife or lack of joy. Which is bullshit.
I'd like to believe that if I write about all the ways I am happy that the people who inest themselves in knowing me from here would be happy for me. That my truimphs and joys are about me being better for any other reason then that's my current reality. With that in mind, I decided to make a list of all the happy things of late.
1) Saturdays and Sundays. With my job at BB, I tend to fall of the face of the Earth. The show shoots 24/7 and part of my job is to be there and cover what happens from top to bottom. So for a few months I suddenly am AWOL socially and it is needed and a good thing--it also sucks. But this season I managed to secure the weekends as my two days off. This means I can go to the beach, the mall, to dinners and BBQ, to drinks with friends and spend nights with the boy. It's a good thing.
2) Naomi. My friend Naomi moved to Las Vegas a few years back and she was recently here for the better part of ten days. It was nice to be lunch with her, to see a good film (Away We Go), to catch up with someone who is so seperate from my real life that I have no choice but to spend my time listening and gushing.
3) Heath and Ruby. It's been forever since I was able to spend any serious about of time with one of my favorite couples; between the baby on the way and three very hectic schedules I have been barely able to see boo to either one of them. Though it is scary as all get out to see the baby belly, it was nice to see two people so happy and on the verge of so much.
4) Apartments. Johnno finally moved from Mar Vista to a nice apartment down the way from me in North Hollywood. While it has been hard work between the moving, the shopping and the settling in...it is such a relief to know that he is only 8 minutes away rather than 45. I like knowing he is close enough that we can spend more time together--it makes me sleep better at night.
5) Chloe. Chloe is coming down from San Fran this weekend and staying at the Dollhouse for a weekend of mischief and catching up. I'm excited to have her here for sleepovers and Starlight Room shenanigans. It's been forever since it has been just us--even though I really wish Lucy could have come down with her.
6) Edie. It's been weird to realize that Edie has been here so much in the past year--for so long she has been off and running around the world working on films that i forget how much I value her in my life. Between late night dance parties and runaway trips to Tiffany's or just laying by the pool in Palmdale and catching up--it's been so great and will be hard when she leaves for filming in Detriot.
7) The Dollhouse. Yes, my apartment makes me happy. Between redecorating the bedroom, the living room and simple streamlining, I have found myself more nested and zen then I have been in awhile. And now that we are on the first year--almost--of Lola joining the household, I can say that everything here feels balanced from decor to roommates. I just feel so happy that it seems to work so well even when it's not perfect.
That all being said, I hope that everyone else out there reading this has their own list to be happy about. It should be easier than it seems but takes more time then you think.
So the other day I realized that most of my posts have been negative. And when they are semi-bitchy, they're not really forthcoming in any major way. And then Lucy wrote this blog entry about being happy and how that makes it hard to write. It's true.
Somehow being happy means lack of conflict, the end of the struggle, the smooth sailing in whatever narrative you invested in--tv, novel, blog. But I also think that most people don't like to write about being content or hapy because it feels like bragging or showing off. That talking about happiness is akin to rubbing someone else's face in their own unhappiness, their own strife or lack of joy. Which is bullshit.
I'd like to believe that if I write about all the ways I am happy that the people who inest themselves in knowing me from here would be happy for me. That my truimphs and joys are about me being better for any other reason then that's my current reality. With that in mind, I decided to make a list of all the happy things of late.
1) Saturdays and Sundays. With my job at BB, I tend to fall of the face of the Earth. The show shoots 24/7 and part of my job is to be there and cover what happens from top to bottom. So for a few months I suddenly am AWOL socially and it is needed and a good thing--it also sucks. But this season I managed to secure the weekends as my two days off. This means I can go to the beach, the mall, to dinners and BBQ, to drinks with friends and spend nights with the boy. It's a good thing.
2) Naomi. My friend Naomi moved to Las Vegas a few years back and she was recently here for the better part of ten days. It was nice to be lunch with her, to see a good film (Away We Go), to catch up with someone who is so seperate from my real life that I have no choice but to spend my time listening and gushing.
3) Heath and Ruby. It's been forever since I was able to spend any serious about of time with one of my favorite couples; between the baby on the way and three very hectic schedules I have been barely able to see boo to either one of them. Though it is scary as all get out to see the baby belly, it was nice to see two people so happy and on the verge of so much.
4) Apartments. Johnno finally moved from Mar Vista to a nice apartment down the way from me in North Hollywood. While it has been hard work between the moving, the shopping and the settling in...it is such a relief to know that he is only 8 minutes away rather than 45. I like knowing he is close enough that we can spend more time together--it makes me sleep better at night.
5) Chloe. Chloe is coming down from San Fran this weekend and staying at the Dollhouse for a weekend of mischief and catching up. I'm excited to have her here for sleepovers and Starlight Room shenanigans. It's been forever since it has been just us--even though I really wish Lucy could have come down with her.
6) Edie. It's been weird to realize that Edie has been here so much in the past year--for so long she has been off and running around the world working on films that i forget how much I value her in my life. Between late night dance parties and runaway trips to Tiffany's or just laying by the pool in Palmdale and catching up--it's been so great and will be hard when she leaves for filming in Detriot.
7) The Dollhouse. Yes, my apartment makes me happy. Between redecorating the bedroom, the living room and simple streamlining, I have found myself more nested and zen then I have been in awhile. And now that we are on the first year--almost--of Lola joining the household, I can say that everything here feels balanced from decor to roommates. I just feel so happy that it seems to work so well even when it's not perfect.
That all being said, I hope that everyone else out there reading this has their own list to be happy about. It should be easier than it seems but takes more time then you think.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Sorry
I haven't bloggged the past few days. though I have been adding plenty of enteries--I'm in the process of taking my myspace blog and adding it into my centeral blog here. It's not because I have gone anti-myspace but rather I would like to have one focused and full blog for myself.
The truth is--I will probably dismantel my myspace page after I finish the blog move. While I'm not saying facebook is better I do tend to find it much more interactive than myspace which is something i enjoy. I never was a big commentor on other people's pages on myspace; I primarily used it for music, blogging and reading other people's blog because the noticafication made the process so simple. But now I think I'm ready to possibly let that page go.
We'll see. And I'll blog properly tomorrow about life. It's been good
I haven't bloggged the past few days. though I have been adding plenty of enteries--I'm in the process of taking my myspace blog and adding it into my centeral blog here. It's not because I have gone anti-myspace but rather I would like to have one focused and full blog for myself.
The truth is--I will probably dismantel my myspace page after I finish the blog move. While I'm not saying facebook is better I do tend to find it much more interactive than myspace which is something i enjoy. I never was a big commentor on other people's pages on myspace; I primarily used it for music, blogging and reading other people's blog because the noticafication made the process so simple. But now I think I'm ready to possibly let that page go.
We'll see. And I'll blog properly tomorrow about life. It's been good
Monday, June 15, 2009
Tomorrow is Back To School Day
So I go back to work tomorrow. It's been awhile since I could say that and while I know I need to do this for multiple reasons... I still don't want. It's not because unemployment has been a hot bed of excitement but because I just feel like I am settling.
And I hate that. I feel like I am doing this job because it is there, for no other reason than I have to. I know how spoiled that sounds, how flippant in this current environment but it is how I feel. I have been so blessed to be able to pick and choose my work situtations and to be excited, challenged and proud of what I am doing. But I don't feel this way about tomorrow.
I just have to repeat the same thing in my head again and again. A magical little number that will help me get through the next few months. I know it will be worth it in the end and yet the end is so far away.
I mean-technically I haven't even had the begining.
So I go back to work tomorrow. It's been awhile since I could say that and while I know I need to do this for multiple reasons... I still don't want. It's not because unemployment has been a hot bed of excitement but because I just feel like I am settling.
And I hate that. I feel like I am doing this job because it is there, for no other reason than I have to. I know how spoiled that sounds, how flippant in this current environment but it is how I feel. I have been so blessed to be able to pick and choose my work situtations and to be excited, challenged and proud of what I am doing. But I don't feel this way about tomorrow.
I just have to repeat the same thing in my head again and again. A magical little number that will help me get through the next few months. I know it will be worth it in the end and yet the end is so far away.
I mean-technically I haven't even had the begining.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Unlikely Man Crush
Okay kids--I know any and all music fans will give me crap for this... But for some reason I have been listening to a lot of Jason Mraz this past week. I'm not sure why but I'm really feeling his cover of 'Rainbow Connection' and it makes me smile and giggle. Add to that his clever lyrics (some of the time) and his 'I don't give a fuck' attuide and it is just a current crush.
I mean--he is with a chicken! More than once! That shite cracks me up which is always a good segway to a snog.
Okay kids--I know any and all music fans will give me crap for this... But for some reason I have been listening to a lot of Jason Mraz this past week. I'm not sure why but I'm really feeling his cover of 'Rainbow Connection' and it makes me smile and giggle. Add to that his clever lyrics (some of the time) and his 'I don't give a fuck' attuide and it is just a current crush.
I mean--he is with a chicken! More than once! That shite cracks me up which is always a good segway to a snog.
Never A Fan of the Big Top But Always a Ringmaster
So I don't like humilation. I don't think this makes me clever or unique--millions of people feel the same way but normally I am quite adept at dodging it. But for full disclosure I have to revisist the BB promotion.
Long story short--I didn't get the higher position. I knew during my interview that the vibe was there was a journalist who was probably up for it and would knock me out of the running but still... It seemed that both the producers I met with really like me and we had a good talk so I just crossed my fingers and hoped for the best. Add to that the hints at other jobs and I figured something else would pop up.
After a long 'it's not you, it's me' style rejection I had to suck up my pride and agree to my previous position. It wasn't my plan, and I should be grateful at how well I came out of the interview, but it took a few days to shake off the egg from my face. And I'm not really sure who knows what but I have a sense that everyone seems to know what was up so I will have to use my poise and humor to shoulder through.
But it feels embarrassing on some level and so I have to focus on all the good to come out of BB. The good pay, the free food, the cheap gym membership, the great relationships I have with the majority of my co-workers. That I can continue to be as good as I have always been then move on to something else for the future. Though it will be hard cause it felt like I fell off the trapeze in front of the whole circus.
I'll just have to be prepared to crack the whip at any naysayers.
So I don't like humilation. I don't think this makes me clever or unique--millions of people feel the same way but normally I am quite adept at dodging it. But for full disclosure I have to revisist the BB promotion.
Long story short--I didn't get the higher position. I knew during my interview that the vibe was there was a journalist who was probably up for it and would knock me out of the running but still... It seemed that both the producers I met with really like me and we had a good talk so I just crossed my fingers and hoped for the best. Add to that the hints at other jobs and I figured something else would pop up.
After a long 'it's not you, it's me' style rejection I had to suck up my pride and agree to my previous position. It wasn't my plan, and I should be grateful at how well I came out of the interview, but it took a few days to shake off the egg from my face. And I'm not really sure who knows what but I have a sense that everyone seems to know what was up so I will have to use my poise and humor to shoulder through.
But it feels embarrassing on some level and so I have to focus on all the good to come out of BB. The good pay, the free food, the cheap gym membership, the great relationships I have with the majority of my co-workers. That I can continue to be as good as I have always been then move on to something else for the future. Though it will be hard cause it felt like I fell off the trapeze in front of the whole circus.
I'll just have to be prepared to crack the whip at any naysayers.
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