They Come and Go—They Come and Go

I’m not a huge believer in the idea of tit for tat or instant repercussions or even karma. I think that when things happen you just have to work through them. Assigning them some cosmic importance seems more an excuse than anything else. I normally don’t give these things much thought but…

Okay—so last week I did something bad. (Maybe it was two weeks ago…) I knew when I did it that I fucked up but it was too late for me to stop anything and so I decided that I would just have to ride it out. I would say that I was more embarrassed than angry with myself because the ball was already in play and anything I would have done would have made it worse.

Later on, when I went out with my friend Charity, I couldn’t stop beating myself up. I mean—there is a certain point at which you have to let things go in order to move on but still... It was stuck in my head. And I tried to figure out what should have happened in the aftermath but there wasn’t anything.

And as I walked to the bank--while Charity waited in the Pier—I realized that maybe there was no real fall out. That I was just hoping for one in order to beat myself up and just be done with the whole thing. “Just punish me so I can move on”. But if there is no punishment then maybe there is no real consequence. That I was not doing anything good by suffering for my sins.

Happy with myself, I walked back to the store and stared in the window as I finished my cigarette. For a moment I thought I saw two ghosts out of my past—Vera and Laura—two girls that I had worked with at the Pier and had backstabbed me when I broke up with Enrique years ago. Of course it wasn’t possible since we had all moved on and Vera had moved out of state.

Imagine my shock when I entered the store and realized Charity was indeed chatting with them—plain as day and like nothing ever happened. I covered up my horror (as best I could) as the three of them noticed me. The hardest thing about the situation with Vera and Laura was that I had thought they were my friends but when I broke with Enrique they had both taken his side. Not only that, they had spread rumors about the breakup and driven me so crazy that I quit Pier One and never looked back.

So to see them, after years, just standing there and making small talk in the middle of our old stomping grounds was extremely surreal. I wondered what had brought this upon me and as I thought back I realized that I had MINUTES before thought there was never a repercussion for the things we do.

Needless to say—after one of the most awkward and painful half-hours ever—I have started to rethink my karma policy. I think maybe Boy George it right—it does come and go.