The Trouble With Happy

So I knew going into this Halloween that it wouldn’t be fun. Regardless of how hard I tried and what precautions I took that nothing would compare to the happiness of last year. That I would not wake up November 1st feeling as if I had a chance to have everything I ever wanted all at once.

The thing is that you can never be as happy as you were the same time and the same way as before. I truly believe that happiness doesn’t come in happinesser—just happiness—a one time one size thing. There would be no boy at the party to surprise me, no midnight call to make him come back to the party to see me, no grand moment in the middle of West Hollywood with music and fanfare and the perfect kiss in the perfect place at the perfect moment. No way at all.

And thus I tried to trick myself—by hanging out with Ruby before the party instead of the big group hang out and dress up as in years past. By not really drinking at the party at all and instead of hanging with my friends—talking with every random person I could to try and pretend like I was just fabulous. By making myself busy and such a presence that I could pretend that last year didn’t happen.

That I spent Halloween night with Charity for the first part and the second part just wandering the parade with old friends from a life pretty far back in my past. With people who had no idea what happened last year and didn’t care when I let some strange cute white trash dressed Southern boy make out with me in the middle of the parade and in front of a certain band’s stage.

And to some degree it worked—for awhile I fooled myself into believing a lot of things. But I still woke up this morning a bit sad.

Whatever.