To you;

I write this here because I find myself to raw to address you one on one. I am afraid that i might go to far and maybe use words that might be too much or go to far. For some reason this avenue, here in my journal, focuses me and forces to be more open and honest with out being unkind.

I am very hurt by recent events and I find myself unable to even controol myself for a face to face talk, something to which this is due but is unreachable for me right now. If this is weakness on my part or unfairness toward you then i am sorry but this is the best that i have now.

I never spoken about things like God and faith or even life after death because i find it something that spilts people more than brings them together. In my 9 years in church i learned many things, many life lessons that I find important and beautiful and wish that we all could live by. Do I believe in God? No. DO I believe in life after death? No. Does this question come up in my head? Of course.

What i believe is that any religion, when used for the better good of mankind is a beatiful thiing. That I think that Christianity is amazing in it's lessons on kindness and humilty. Just as i find that Wicka is amazing in its focus on the power of the elements around us. Just as i find Judism amazing in it's questioning nature. But I do believe that any faith, if followed blindly, can be misguided and misused by a group of people. That any instutation run by humans will always have a degree of human error--it is just the naturae of the beast.

But I do respect what they stand for. And even when I thnk that a religion fails, i look at the people involved. Even you said that not every christian is the same and that people have different uses and thoughts about their own faiths. It is human nature to apply any theory or thought to one's own experience. But it does not mean that I do not respect the ideals involved. You can respect something and not necessarily like it.

Where the rub came in was that I felt attacked. You proceeded to try and tell me what i feel and how i think. A pillar of my own life code is that i have no right to speak for anyone outside of myself. I may be a friend, a child, a lover, I may be in your life every second but it doesn't mean i know your thoughts or your mind. My personal belief is that each person comes from their own base of experience and memories that make them who they are--even we are in the same place at the same time does not mean that we see all things the same.

And you chose to try and tell me who I was and what I feel. As you read in past posts, I have spent most of my life being judged by others and having my place in the world given to me by others. This is a painful and hard thing to live through and is somethng i try to my best to never do to others. Even those times when I do speak on another's behalf, i only refer to what they have said or done in front of me, I never say i know what they are thinking or who they are. i realize that I can only know, and responible for my heart and my mind.

So when you told me how you knew I felt, and by default made me into a liar, I was more hurt that i have been in a long time. I did not speak ill of anyone, attack the mores of your faith or say anything negative about the church in any way. And for you to try and say that that is what I felt? How dare you? Do you live in my head? Do you know my heart better than mine? How can you know the answer to a question that I have no answer for myself?

To add insult to injury, you then called me worse than your friends who mouth off about your religion. You put me in the camp of people that nit picks and name calls--the same people who judge people on a regular absis, who openly insult people they don't like and their boyfriends. I have never been this person, i do not seek out ways to hurt people and even the peoiple i don't like, such as Irene and Skylar, I still treat with respect and a social kindness because i know what it is like to not be treated with diginty.

And when you play the minority card, the no one else is like me and so I feel like it is not okay.... Well, I am not the person o try and play that card with. i don't ever like to use my gay status as a defense or an adavatnage in anyway but if you think that i don't understand that feeling that no one gets where you are...you would be mistaken.

I feel as if not just my character was attacked but also my core belief. I may not follow your God but i do have a code that I live by. I believe that this life is all we have, one go around this merry-go-round and that can be a hard place to live. What i leave behind when i die will be the person i chose to be--whether it is a child that i made smile at Tumblweed, the firend who I held as she cried about her broken heart, the man I help just by being there when he hedns a hand.  this means that my actions and choices have a huge weight because they are all I have to go by. And so when I fail, I have no one to blame but myself. And I do have and have failed everyone in my life once.

So I am the most hurt that I feel like I give so much to you and get this doubt and negativity in return. I have turned down jobs for you, listened when you had no one you talk to, been there for the journeys to hospital and have taken time away from my life when you need me. And what i get in return is a challenge to my character, an accustion of judgement and feeling made to be lower than you lowest enemy. And when you give so much, forgive so muich and try so hard to be there for a person--it hurts when the relationship is unequal by such leaps and bounds.

And why do I believe this? I have just told you, and the world, that i have been lying about so much in my life--about who I was before you met me and how i came to be the person I am. And your e-mail, the one with the title "I read your blog" made no reference to the revelation. Something that was so hard to write, to own and to get beyond--the most honest thing i have evr written in which I owned the fact that I have lied so much about who I am and who I have been and there was not a single line referncing this change, this huge step forward, this risk I have taken....

So i don't know what to do to get beyond this with you. I can say i respect your faith but you won't believe me. I can try and show how I have been there for you but you will question it. And I can tell you who i really am and you will ignore. Where am I supposed to go from here?