A Debt To Repay.

So I owe a debt that I don’t know yet if I can repay. It isn’t about money but rather it is an emotional one. Since Todd TV ended I have been trying to find another job to get me through the next couple of months so that I don’t go crazy or get kicked out of my apartment. I have been feeling fat, broke, untalented and very much like a loser. It is amazing how much of this has come from something as simple as finishing a job but there it is. But tonight I had a moment where it all seemed to come together. In a random way but nonetheless, an important one. A while back, ruby and I were talking about something and I guess, fighting, and it came up about how I don’t believe in her the way that she believes in me. And tonight, that idea hit home. The truth is, I don’t believe in much. My talent, my friends, my family or anything even outside of that. And even when the universe gives cause for me to change that viewpoint I still manage to ignore it. And what I have to do is just try a new tact and learn to re believe in myself. I used to, it is what got me out of Pepperell, out to LA and lead me to become something different and new. It just seems that over time that feeling has faded and been replaced by jadedness. I compare myself to others, don’t really see what I have been able to do and instead focus on all the things that don’t work. And that is not getting anywhere I want to go. So as I keep beating myself up, I just fall deeper into my hole as opposed to trying to climb out. But it is because of Ruby that I am to see myself more clearly and am more able to try and get beyond all this negativity. If someone that I respect can believe in my ability and me then maybe I can try too. And that is something that is more valuable than money or acclaim or even simple friendship. That is the idea of unconditional love. And that is something that I can try to believe in.