The men of middle earth and other adventures with chloe

So, last night Chloe and i finallly had a pow wow via the phone. FOr some reason I was slap happy and no one was around to enjoy it so... We had one of those phone conversations that should be had in person. It wasn't till reached a story that defied phone that I decided to jump on the subway to Hollywood and the lucious lido.

Subway on Sat night is filled with kids going from holllywood and higland to City walk. Loy's of bad trends..the eightes are coming back in ways I thought dead. But all in all it was fun and I got to Chloe's at a good clip.

After awkward apartemnt confusion..(where do you live in the building?) I found Chloe. She looks stunnning and was just as amazing as I remember. I met the new roomies and had fun talking about work and life. Eventually it was time to booze and grab smokes so down to Playboy we went. Chloe and I stooped onn the corner and swapped fun stories about boys, drama, men and mayhem.

Properly armed with Champaigne for the night, we reconvined to the bedroom and listened to music, read poetry and swapped stories. After we got our drink on we had a debate about whether or not to go to Goldfingers.

Goldfingers is the club across the street and a place that has seen random mayhem over the years. So off we went to visit with Chloe's friends who work there and to have a good time. We drank beers and met with new people to me, old friends to her. The club was jumping.

After a while I notcied a little hobbit perched on the wall. I beleive he is Merry in the films abut is better know as Dom in real life. Blonde, cute and just afox. I made the standrad drunk phones to other Hobbettes and then tried not to stare. After awhile Chjloe and I had another drink or two and met up with other friends of hers. By the end of the night we were playing around with the lifers at Goldfingers and enjoying oursleves. There was dancing and Elijah Wood and touchingb stars and Chloe getting her hand kissed. It was good LA times...

My Life is Not My own...

SO my lif is as the title says. I have realized that bewteen work, the play, and Super Bowl. I also now have several friends visiting and may not be able to make much time to see them. I guess it would help if I felt that I was doing things that I wanted to do. But I kind of don't.

It's not any one thing. I mean, the play is okay but I don't like it much. It is very "nice" and that's about it. I am worried as hell about Lucy's visit and how that wil go given our recent behavior towards ecah oither. With Macy and Resol it is fun and easy but I don't know how to do that. I mean, will I have time for them? I don't know. That and sleep is hard with this schedule so... I don't know. I have to believe that I will get things done the way I can.

Just like sign says...

So today I had one of those my life is glam days. I was walking from the store with a bootle of wine and a baguette of bread and just feeling so..black and white foregien movie. It's fun how far I get without having the same things as everyone els. Would certain things be easier? I don't know. But I love that I have a great park behind me, a cute neighborhood all around, that I can jump on the subway just be in the thick of things and yet I have a nice home.... It is like the South of France--they way it makes me feel.

And I have been quite brave and effective today. I called Cord and left a long message that was making a date--I think but for me that is a huge step. I'm bummed that I won't be hanging with Chloe but everything is so damn sunny otherwise. Ruby and I talked about the up-coming play and work is great so far. (Though I could kill Todd but whatever.) I get to do the things I want and lack for very little... I hope this isn't to upbeat but it is the way I feel today. Though I may be dead tomorrow with lack of sleep. Wish me luck....

Bringing Up the Boy...

So, in the grand new scheme of 2004 I am making admends and going for what I want. I have reopned talks with Cord. I wrote and met him a long time ago via an e-mail/writing thing, I really thought he was kewl but felt that I wasn't in the place to really meet with him yet. Mostly because of the weight gain from camp and having no job and the no car thing always weighs on me. But I have reopened the lines with him and am going to ride this out. Screw Kerry, that's not ever gonna work but I am going to try for Cord. Wish me luck out there!!!

It's Not the Size But the Motion.

Okay. So last night I had a strange thing happen. I was hanging out with Kelly and swapping gossip about parties and work and just catching up. This somehow lead to a discussion about how hot those damn hobbits are. (which if anyone knows Billy Bogg or if he is reading this...I love you.) This then lead to a discussion about how Kelly could never date them because they would be to short for her which then lead us to the internet.

Imagine our surprise when we found that the boys were 5ft7...not to shabby. But Kelly was really excited about this. I was confused when she said that she was only a n inch taller than them and thus they made the hieght requirement. (yes, I made the amusement ride joke...) But I was bothered because according to Kelly, she was about 5ft8. And she is a little taller than me which means that I am shorted than her.

This is confusing because, according to my liscene I am 5ft9. This was a blow to discuss that due to Kelly and the hobbits that I lost two inches last night. I fough with her about it and then we went out to dinner and Donnie proved it to me. He and I are the same height...5ft7. So then I had to go change my personal ads and other info. Though, now if I commit a crime then the police will be looking for 5ft9. But only, as Donnie said, if I leave my licsene behind. Bummers...

Better late than never

So.. Sorry that I have been missing my updates but working has come and taken over. It's funny, I am fine talking about it with anyone away from the office but when you put withing a couple of few I get all nervous and squirelly. It's just feeling like I'm not getting enough down but I had a realization last night. There are always going to be tapes going on and things to do because of the nature of the 24/7 fortmat. So I have decided to try and just go as far as I can without freaking out.

And Willis is a great boss and between him, Dax, Lizzie, Davis and a ton of BBro people working there... It's not like I 'm really at work at all because I'm with friends. SO that's kewl. And this job is giving me time to figurre out the entire what to do about TW thing. Anyways... Life is good and the hours are strange and I feel like a vampire but you know what... It IS fun......

Back to the working world!

Yeah!!!! I am back in the job market for at least the next 6 weeks. It so happends that Willis and Lizzie hooked me up with a logging job on their new FX show. So I will be watching a million hours of footage of Todd Tv. It is great and in Hollywood and is making me have to travel via a subway but that forces me to explore more. Tis big fun but let's hope the schedule doesn't scare me back into crazy sleepy non social life! Awesome news, eh? That and this will force me to see Chloe a little more and that is good fun! (not clean, fun.)

If It was Nasa It'd Be Gone By Now.

There other day I was up and running little erands around the house. I either had the television or radio on and was listening to a little debate about the purposed "Defense of Marriage" act. The guy was talking about how if this bill passed that his marriage probably won't last another year. That for the bill to work there would have to be standards that would have to be established and that he and his wife wouldn't make the cut.

Beside making me laugh, I had to think about what he said. After all, this bill is being used to try and prevent gay marriage becoming a reality. As a gay man, this issue effects me on some level--but it is also a fight that I haven't given much thught to. I guess I have my own views and problems with the act of marriage--my mother and most her family have been married multiple times and so I doubt the sincerity of the act. But I am for everyone having equal access to government benefits like shared property, next of kin in medical issues and shared child custody. That being said though, this bill raises an issue.

What is marriage really? It is a social act with fringe benefits or something that the government needs? I would argue that it is a social act--standing up in public to lay claim to someone else for life or whatever breaks them up. But if it is a government program and act then it should be held to the same criteria as other programs. And if you look it that way--then there;s a problem.

As a government adgenda and program that we are forced to examine the benefit of political intervention. If a bill is passed then it would have to have set guildlines not only for the act itself but what the purpose and outcome of this act is to be. Then we would have to create position with the political system to establish and monitor these guildlines. How do we determine these rules for something as abstract as love and relationships? It is an issue like regilion and also very connected to religon--something that we don't monitor outside of keeping it seperate from state.

And if we decide still to go forward with a government program for marriage then we would have to keep records and document the process and failures of it. That would point out the biggest problem with the entire bill. We would have to prove the value and importance of the act and government need to be involved.

We would be forced to aknowledge the fact that this is an act that has a close to 50% failure rate. That if we had any other governemnt program with that kind of failure we would be up in arms as to the taxes and efforts being put into it. That if Nasa or the Military had those type of numbers we would pull funding like that. The idea that are taxes are already being spent on the issue and that any outcome might require even more of this is useless, pointless, and just silly. But this is a question that will be brought into play as the government continues to play this out.

So I say, let the gays have marriage. It saves us alot of money, time and introspection that the American public may be surprised by at the end of the day. The government has no point being invloved in a social convention, which where marriage currently lies. That the churchs can choose to aknowledge gay marriage if they want but let us have the legal paperwork and benefits implied in the one act. It can be argued that we can set up the same rights through other means, creating more governement work, more money being spent and a waste of our taxes and the government's time. because if we continue down this road then we may open ourselves up to laws that none of us want and the actual realization of marriage's failures and problems. I say let it stand and let us all keep the hope and faith of this act about love and not the government's desire to tell any us of what is acceptable.

The Actor Studio Questions.

1) what is your favorite word? Tis, though I'm not sure why. Most likely too much Shakespeare.

2) what is your least favorite word? Mani/pedi/metrosexual. Why do we let "Sixteen" magazine create this terrible slag? I'm not crushing, in a sit. or having a mani/pedi... Use the full word!!!

3)What turns you on spiritually, emotionally, creatively? That perfect moment when the sky is blue, the breeze in my hair and the sun on my face. It cause to realize that there is always something right with the word.

The actor studio continued

4) what turns you off? Blind need. I guess because I run into this alot with relationships and some friendships. It's kind of like--will anyone do or do you want me here?

5)Favorite curse word? Bloody... It is easy to use, fun and can be used in public and around kids. All purpose.

6) Sound or noise you love? I love wind chimes, or the sound of leaves blowing aorund the ground.
7) Sound you hate? Cell phones. I guess this is a hang-up from working retail and people just answering them when you are trying to help them. They stop talking to you and you go help someone else and the phoner is pissed because you didn't wait for them to finish. Fuck you! Tis rude to answer the phone when talking with some one.
8) What profession beside yours would you love to attempt? High school guidance counsler.

9) What profession would you hate? I would hate to be the guy who cleans the backroom at LeSex Shop!

10) If Heaven exists, what would you like God to say when you are at the Pearly Gates? "Sorry about all the confusion. Come on in!"

LIKE A UPN SITCOM...

I blame my stupidity on my unemployment. I have reached the point where I look at so many random ads for work, some many cover letters, bad interviews that I think I finally stopped caring. I will apply for any job. Here's my resume.... Exotic dancer? Bonsai pruner? Priest? Here you go...

So, I assume that's what happened the other day. I got into the flow and kept faxing and e-mailing and giving up my resume like some type of office slut. But there has been an upside because I am much more likely to send my writing resume stuff around. Which lead me to apply to a couple of magazine/webzine/newspapers.....

So, you can imagine how excited to get a phone late the other night reagrding my writing samples and coming to interview for a magazine. So, of course, I went through all my past e-mails to figure which ad they were. Research is good for these type of things.

There was a cute singles magazine, a hippy-drippy website, and an urban webzine... I re-read the little ads....the singles was looking for internet dating stories--the hippy-drippy wanted hints about candles, tarot, incensense....the urban magazine was looking for pieces that reflect our hertiage and social history without negativity.... And that's when I realized that the Urban Minority magazine was for and about Blacks--and that I had applied for it, sending some of my "XY" (gay mag) pieces...

BUt the I realized that one of my samples refernced in a major way that I was white and so it could be that magazine that responded. Till I checked my e-mail and realized that I had some mail bounced back to me. From the singles magazine (they never got my resume) and the hippy-dippy were closing down the site for a bit. SO...

I called the urban magazine and talked with (I kid you not) Tyrone... Explained what happened and that I was confused and that I could come in if he wanted. He kind of laughed at me and said that maybe they could use a "token" and if I wanted to come in... I defered... All I could picture is an office out of BET and me slinking in... I'm telling--it is because of me that these stupid UPN sitcoms get made!

WHEN DID I BECOME A BODY PILLOW?

Okay. I am pissed! Really pissed! I have been holding back about this situtation with Kerry. Okay, he is a friend of my ex Enrique's ex roommate (and ex-boyfriend) M.F. I met him because M.F. thought that we would have fun. And since M.F. and I used to hook-up back in the day (and that we became friends too) I decided to trust his taste and meet up with Kerry.

And M.F. was right... Kerry is cute in a very Rory type of way... Glasses, a little chubby, pretty intense eyes. He was very shy when we met which caused major points with me. And so we began to talk and hang out. And yes, hook up one time.

This when things became intense. There was a lot of eye contact and kissing. More than usual. And I thought he was cool so I just figured I'd wait and see what would happen. So we would e-mail alot and talk on the phone every so often. And then his mother was coming to town and so we decided to hook-up before she came to town.

Imagine to my surprise, lying in bed afterwards and cuddling, finding out that he had a boyfriend. Who lived with. Who his mother loves. Say what you will about me but I don't play with other people's boyfriends. And I explained that if I knew his situtation that I wouldn't have let this go the way that it had. That I couldn't hook up with him anymore.

Kerry then told me about all the awful things that the boyfriend did (which M.F. confirmed) and how he wanted to leave him but he didn't know how too and that he didn't want to be alone and that he was scared. My mind glazed over after a certain point as I tried to remember if it was Erica Kane or Marlena Evans who had this conversation before starting a tawdy affair.

Then he turns the table and pulls out the "I'll leave my boyfriend for you" card. Which I thought came out kind of early for someone that he had been hooking up with and e-mailing. So I told him to back off and figure out his situtation. Then he hugged and said he wanted to sleep in my arms. ohmigod, i'm a human body pillow.

I wasn't drunk with the last post.... It's has been a little re-written.. Enjoy again...

It's Sad But There You Go...

The great new debate started with the usual suspects.... I was rehashing the couple of a parties, the hook-ups, the dramas and came to the conculsion that 2004 should be the year of the slut... (Or Yos for short...) It came from a mixture of my own behavior as well as several others (guess who) that maybe we should all take a year and be wild. I'm not talking blow jobs in parking lots or any having guy we see but that we should all be open to various relationships and not spend all our time and energy looking for the One...

I have always been a fan of this school of thought--that you should kiss all the boys, dance whenever and with whomever, that there are men and mayhem that need to happen before you find the One... I learned this from my mom. She married young and ended it quickly and threw herself into the paths of unsuitable men to some degree. That I should learn from her mistakes, that happiness and the right One come along after a hell of alot of searching. I'm not talking about one night stands (though they serve a purpose) or hook ups with the wrongs ones cause they're there but that maybe we should all relax and just enjoy the process...

And then I got smacked on my ass... It began with a Christmas present to myself. A movie that I really wanted to own and could buy with a check from the holidays... (Thanks Mom.) The film was "Beautiful Thing"; a great indy movie from the early 90's about a couple of working class gay guys and their relationship... It's funny, sweet, harsh and romantic all at once. One of the few things that can make me cry.

It started me thinking about my own views... I realized that maybe, just maybe, I do want romance. That all my talk is just a game and that maybe I do want flowers and magic and chemistry... That I want someone to light up when I walk in the room. That for all my bravo, I am just a scared person, afraid of love, afraid of the pain that it might bring. That it is ten times more brave to go into the world and believe that you deserve a nice slow dance, that maybe it would be nice to just settle for a kiss. For real dates, not booty calls or boys dropping by cause they are bored.

That I shouldn't settle for men who don't know what they want. That maybe I need to believe that I am first class, worth the effort of wooing, that I shouldn't just hide my emotions or go with the flow because it's easier than saying what I really want... That maybe I can have the wedding on the beach, the feeling of true intimacy and desire, that maybe my walls aren't me being a realist but of me being untrusting or unwilling to bend. I'm not talking about walks on the sand or poetry over a nice bottle of wine...that's something anyone can do. But of the feeling "I want you for you and you want me for me..." Not settling for what I can get but for waiting for what I deserve... Maybe it isn't the year of the slut, maybe it's the year of waiting for more than the same games... Not from them but from myself....

My Life is NOt My Own.

Okay. So I had a little freak out today and realized that my life is quite hectic. Bewteen the odd job hours and the lack of sleep during prime days I have realized that everyone and their brother will be in town for Super Bowl... Lucy is flying down from San Fran and will be hanging at the Casa Lido with Chloe, Rosel will be in town for the game and staying at Skylar's for the Super Bowl party and Willis's friend Macy is coming in from New York. On top of trying to figure out how to see all of them during two and a half days... Sunday is the opening of the play and so I am tied up in that.

And I was a little bummed about all of this because 1) I do not like the play--it is just nice....though the acting and direction is good it is just there. Hard to work myself for that. 2) Luch and Rosel don't really get along very much and so I don't know if I will be able to really see much of thme but I will try and do my best. I know that I will see Macy but Willis can't take much tgime of work so he might not see her and I have to try and force that issue. We'll see how that goes.

The other bummer is that Cord and I got our wires crossed and never met up for coffee this weekend. What is a bummer about this is that I really can't reschedule him anytime soon. And I just want to do this, meet up and get a lay of the land. But it won't happen I'm sure. This all happening with a lack of sleep is just a bad mix of sorts so... I don't know.

But I am excited to go and see Chloe tonight in Hollywood. I really want to hang with her before Lucy comes. Just so we can catch up and have a little fun. I'm sure we'll find big trouble... Who knows--maybe some cute boys!!LOL right.......

Happy New Year? Same old, same old....

So NY was more crazed than I thought and was given details the day after... It's nice to know that the more things change... And continuing that thought.... Skylar had dinner at his place the night of the 1st... I wasn't invited which is okay with me but it is akward because everyone who figured out that I wasn't coming kept saying that I was invited--that there was some mix up. Bt they were also given dishes to bring and I wasn't so... I wasn't planned to come. So I didn't though I showed up later at his place... And I had fun and enjoyed myself though I felt that certain people were pissed that I had stayed away.... If I have learned one thing from childhood is that it is NEVER worth going somewhere that you weren't invited too... You'll just feel uncomfortable and then upset on some level.

The thing that most anoyned me was that after the dinner party, as we were all leaving... There was discussion on what to do friday night... And people promised to call and let me know that was up. Now, I know this is stupid but I do feel a lot of the time that I go chasing after people to be included in things. This isn't all the times or stuff... I just feel that I often fall the cracks with my friends--things happen a lot that I am not included in. And that's okay...

The thing that I have a problem with is that, I don't have a really close friend out here... Lizzie has Kelly, Willis has his own things, Ruby has Heath and Candice....Eddie has her man... I have never had a truly close, stand alone friendship in this group with the exception of Irene... That is way things with the two of us went as long as they did--even with the problems. I was always the first person she told stuff to, the person that she called everyday, the person who let me vent and was just always there for me...

I guess how these two things tie together is... When the group doesn't call (or return my calls) I am left alone and I don't have someone to turn to... No one person that I can count on--as friend where I am important... I guess it's childish but... It is how I feel... This isn't to say that I don't love my friends but I also know where I fit... It's not bad, could just be better.....

New Years Eve... Happy 2004..... The party at the Super House was fun, all things considered though not without the usual issues, sickness and drama.... But I had fun and am able to write at the end of the night so.... good things...

I did get reflective as per the new years past... I just realized that there are certain things that I need to take control of... I guess I need to be honest and real with myself and that is the hardest thing to do sometimes....

The truth is--that my life needs to change. I mean, it's not bad or poor or anything. I have a great large group of friends and always have an ear or person to talk with... But the truth is that I don't live the life that I want more often than not. I get caught up in the drama of others and that only masks my own lack of life....

If I was truthfull, honest 100 percent then there are grand changes i need to make. I just worry so muc about the things that I would lose to get them. So instead, I talk myself out of things...guys who I could date and have relationships with. Reasons not to write or try harder with the leads I have had. Instead I hide from these things because it isn easier. My life before college, before thses friends was so different. And the lack of certain goals or events or truths makes it hard for me to believe that they can happen.

I don't believ in love or sucess or a million other things so I don't pursue them because what is the point? Instead I build up walls, build up grand designs tohide from all that I could have. And now I have to either accept that or make motions to break them. It's a scary thought but a step I have to make for myself and no one else can make that happen....