I am scared right now that I know the things I want but to go after them puts me at risk and I don’t know if I’m capable of that. It’s like when I’m skating and I know some tricks really well but there’s a bunch I don’t know and I’m worried if I try to learn them I’ll just send up hurting myself so I don’t move forward. I don’t want to be stagnant and I don’t want to settle but I don’t know how to trust that shaking off those elements won’t leave me more hurt. And I know I’m not the  only person who feels this way but I wish that one of those other people would share the secrets of how to get over this feeling

Back on the shit

It’s been almost 5 years since I’ve actually written here… And before that it was a much larger break. I recently feel like I’m regressing so it felt like it was the right time to turn back to here

There’s been a lot that’s happened and yet it still feels weird to do a recap of your own life when  you think you’re the only one reading it. But things have been slowly spiraling out of control and this is one of the tools I know works

I was lucky. I made it through the day to day of the pandemic with very little actual changes. Sure I work from home but I was working.Which was more than I could say some people. It was also good because I needed that distraction from all of the isolation that I felt… 

And it wasn’t that usual feeling that I think most people  had of being sad or alone… It was kind of a self filling prophecy in terms of how I see my importance to other people. The fact that some people I considered my closer friends fell off the map… The constant stories of people hosting Zooms and checking in and socially distance walks or drive-by birthdays none of which happened for me or for Matt wasn’t surprising and yet really hurt. 

And I did that thing that I’ve always done which is try to carry the weight of unhealthy relationships… In this case I was the one reaching out and setting up a zoom and checking in on people and sending stupid little presents all the while knowing that it wouldn’t be reciprocated and then it would hurt.

And for a while having a job & the hardship of working from home kept a lot of that self-destructing thoughts at bay – – and then the show wrapped and I was left with nothing but time on my hands and I started thinking about things. The pandemic for me at least was a good chance to sit down and say that – who are you been?

and for a while having the job and the hardship of working from home kept a lot of that self-destruct in us a day – – and then the show wrapped and I was like but I’m on my hands and I started thinking about things. The pandemic for me at least was a good chance to sit down and say that – who are you been?

Are you happy with your life… Do you wish that you had done certain things different… And when the world felt like it was ending did the people you invest in check in? And for a lot of people it was no….  And that was really hard to learn

And in some ways things were unexpectedly good… There are the people who did reach out or the reconnecting with people like Jen up north or Joe down the street or just having Neddy around to do stuff with. That I had to also make allowances for some people doing what they could the best way they could – – like Rick with his movie nights or Jen with her periodic check inns around everything going onin her family.

So I started to relax my expectations and make new spaces in ways for myself. And it was working. I also forced myself to be honest about choices I’ve made in the past – – times I said yes when I should’ve said no or times when I was too afraid to trust what I was being shown… To use that to make better choices and happier choices and more me choices.

and then my Nana died

She died of Covid and I don’t know if the situation was avoidable depending on who you talk to about what she was doing and how she was doing it but it still took me by surprise and hurt my heart. And when I reached out and told people I didn’t get the support I’ve given in the past. No cards or flowers, no phone calls to check in but some nice texts and then it was forgotten and that was that.

And it really hurt. For at least a handful of my closer friends when others have lost their families we tried to send flowers or cards and to be there for each other but when this happened to me it felt like a form of silence. Not from everyone but I expected better from most.

and I struggled to be fair about what I wanted and needed – – I had some people who told me that I wasn’t being fair to them but there was a part of me that says I’ve always gone out of my way. I’ve spent so much of my life just being available partially because I confuse being available with being cared for and they’re not the same thing.

So when the chance came to take a job I thought yes that will fill the space and let me not fixate on what I felt was disappointing people. I went so far as to ignore my instincts about the job and took it though I already was worried.

And now I’ve been working a job that I haven’t really had a day off since the end of April  – 12-13 hrs. during the week and usually another 9 to 10 hours each day of the weekend – – something to fill my time when we couldn’t leave our houses and we were not able to do the things we loved.  I fell back into that pattern of if I do everything then you need me and if you need me then you love me because I’ve never known how to just be loved because I don’t think I am very much.

it has been a terrible decision

I didn’t do well with the funeral when I went back in May – – being back around people who at times have not been there for me or I don’t know very well but yet being judged for not being who they needed me to be. Finding out some things about that we’re going on behind my back during my wedding or during certain trips to LA or even just finding out that my Nana thought I didn’t love her as much as she thought because I didn’t invite her to the wedding. Which wasn’t true but our wedding planner had fucked up all of our invitations and I was too stupid to double check what really happened with hers.

  To be made to feel bad for not just forgiving people their transgressions and just not get with the program. And I feel that way also about things with my friends – – that feeling of just they want me to pretend the last year didn’t happen and to not be hurt or not be holding them accountable.

And this job has allowed me to fall back into my most self destructive patterns in that on one hand I’m busy and they need me but on the other hand I’m risking all of these things about myself. That Matt has taken a backseat, that the few times since Los  Angeles reopened and my friends have done things I wasn’t able to go which meant I also didn’t have to see them when on some level I’m mad at some of them.

but now things have gone even farther – – because this job is so out of control with no real way for me to fix it I’m slowly falling apart. I am constantly on edge and sad… I’ve binged and I cried sometimes… After quitting for eight years in the last 10 days I’ve smoked two packs of cigarettes and I feel lost.

And I tried to quit the job because I knew something wasn’t right and then I was made to doubt myself when it was mentioned that maybe my emotions were stirred up by my Nana dying and then my uncle died three months later as well so when I went back for that funeral it was a double memorial service. And I thought maybe that’s right maybe I was just being unreasonable so I went back.

and now I am just so uncertain on some things and reckless on others. It’s like I know somethings wrong but I’m still going to do it and I know I am testing boundaries and dangerously close to crossing lines and yet I don’t know how to stop myself. My identity right now feels so in flux because the friend I thought I was didn’t have much value to the people I gave that friendship to. And this family that in someways is so delusional makes me question if I’m delusional. 

And so I work crazy hours and I take my little caffeine bombs or speed powder and I go rollerskating 3-4 times a week because it’s physical and it’s out of the apartment that I’m still also working out of and I don’t have to talk to anyone and yet I am around people and I feel like I’m just creating more distance and I think I want someone to save me but I also know thats not real….

i’m worried if I’m not careful that I’m just going to lose myself but I also don’t know if that sense of self is real. Is it built off of things that I got because I was there and not because they were meant for me. How much time have I wasted being that person for people or being that person at work or being that person sometimes to my husband. Maybe I’m trying to burn down the world to start it over…

or is this all the side effects of a job that’s terrible and is exploiting it’s people and the sleep deprivation because I don’t sleep because after a 13 hour day for my own mental health I have to do something that’s not work because I don’t want to live to work and then that leads me to sleeping only five hours a night because I am rollerskating or going to the bar or staying up late to watch bad TV…

I am hoping that writing and putting my thoughts out there to make them fit not together but at least somewhere on the canvas will give me some clarity. But I can step back and look and figure something out from what I’m doing

I’m just so raw right now and I don’t like it because a lot of this has not been by choice and it challenges my need for control. And maybe this is what supposed to shake me up but it fucking feels awful.