Becoming Weird

I have becoming obsessed with food.... There are days when I am eating totally off the range and then there are nights like this where I feel so guilty about the bad nights that I only eat a can of tuna and a tomato with green beans and coconut water after my five mile run. And I don't know if that is good for me.

I feel like I have been trying to force my body to get somewhere and I don't know if it is cause I want to or all my friends writing about body image and having gastric surgery but I feel like I am keeping my head above water.

But there is the other part of me that says this is good and healthy. That just because I can buy awesome clothes in my size since Plus shops are a thing doesnt mean I shouldn't take care of myself. That I should want to run and workout and eat better because it is good to do so.

The problem is where the definition of the word good is coming from. The doctor/health side or the body image/look sexy in a mirror side. I guess that's the key problem--which is which?

Todays Motivation

Four More Years

Tonight is our fourth anniversary. We usually do something big--we've done Mexico and Ashland and Palm Springs but this year we stayed close to home, easy restaurants and time on the couch with TNN shows...

It can't always be glamorous.

The truth was that this past year was the hardest this far in our marriage. I spent part of the past year sick. Johnno took a position at a startup that seemed more like a stopping point than a job. I worked the hardest position I ever have while making the lowest pay in almost 6 years. We both struggle and sacrificed and it didn't always make us supportive or kind.

A lot of it sucked.

They always say the first year of marriage is the hardest. I always figured it was about changing roles, changing expectations of family and friends, the abandoning of some single behavior and the creation of what the married life would look like. And we were lucky--most of the things that happened that first year (leaving the Dollhouse, moving away from Edie for the first time in 10+ years, husbear losing his job)--were things that were beyond our control. They were a struggle and forced us to face problems head on as a couple.

This was a good thing.

This past year just shook us both in unexpected ways. Losing the show made me insecure about my career and talents, we both struggled with illness and solutions to them, our friendships have shifted and have added distance both physical and emotional. This was the first year where it truly felt like work and it was hard and ugly.

But it also felt necessary. It is easy to make things work when the cash is coming, when the parties are nonstop and everyone is always getting what they want. This year really was about "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health"--it was a wakeup call about the work this can be and also a reminder of what we are fighting for.

I'm not going to say I'm not a little bummed about how tonight turned--burgers and 'Major Case' reruns while we ate snacks from 7/11. But I also felt like we deserved it each more, felt each other more and loved each other more... Supposedly the fourth year present is an appliance or electronics--I feel like our gift this was to do a tune-up or two to get everything up and running.

Home Decor Fun

Just a little happiness--I wish I could do something this over the top.

Kaleidoscope

It's been a long time since I last wrote--a year and 10 months and a couple weeks give or take. I never really intended to stop writing but so many things happened at once and I was too scared or worried or raw or nervous to sit down to a keyboard.

It started with my show ending--6 years of 'Lockup' ended in a random phone call after the holiday break. I knew that something was up--the episode order had shrunk but we were going into an election and that was to be expected. But we were filming in a new location and I was FINALLY getting the chance to step up and become more of a story team leader. And we had a great location and a great team and it felt like Jim finally saw me as being good at  my job.

I was so excited and then so very crushed.

And rather than think about what was happening, I went into crisis control. How do I get the most days out of the show, how do I get to be the last one standing and how do I make everyone notice me. I didn't think about how upset I was or what a stumbling block it felt like. I did what I have always done since a child--be good, be perfect and don't let them see you break.

And it worked for the most part. Until it didn't.

I was upset once the show was done and there was no real attempt to move any of the story people to other shows at the company. All the AEs and editors were giving other shows, they moved around some of the support staff but the rest of us ended up with food from Islands and a slap on the back. I don't think I realized how personal I took it until I had some distance...

But I didn't write about it because I couldn't be honest without hurting my career and I couldn't make it  like a roman à clef which could be worse. So I just didn't write at all.

But why not write about something else? Because I was too scared.

During the same time the show was ending, I started having breathing issues. At first I thought it might be panic attacks or stress but my lungs didn't feel right. Then I thought it was my asthma flaring up due to seasonal changes until I blacked out lifting weights on the floor at the apartment.

This was new.

But every doctor I saw thought it was asthma or my weight gain (which happened after I stopped working to due to my blackout) instead of listening to me. It took three trips to urgent care before they took my blood oxygen properly--I had a level of 79 which is VERY BAD. But even after the ER visit they still were not sure--I had inhalers and pills and x-rays and tests. I couldn't walk about half staircases without sounding winded and I spent my time thinking about lung cancer or COPD...

I was so scared and tired I couldn't write.

Eventually my doctor guessed it was possibly untreated bronchitis and after 9 months they put me on aggressive steroids. It took awhile (and I am still not fully recovered) but they think it was that with some new allergies mixed in. I still have times when I can't breathe well and I have to sit or take a moment but I try to force myself forward.

I just wasn't ready for all of this change.

So I had to hide away from the world. Lick my wounds and take some space to resettle in my head and my heart. To heal and get perspective about what was happening around me, to me, for me. And it scared me away from this because I didn't know how to share. I forgot about how so much of this is about honesty and ownership. Of my words and my life.

Sorry if this seems to ramble but I am in the process of still adapting to change. Hopefully this will help--it always has in the past.