Ecomony of Words

The writing continues to be flowing at a steady rate--somehow using a first person POV has really take things to a different place. Between my new techinque of using notecards for easier plotting and the lack of description that comes with the new writing process I am falling into the story fast.

It's a relief.

I have been sharing bits and pieces of the story with Johnno and Samuel--mostly for guidence and clafication on facts but outside of that there has been no huge hiccups. It's put me back in the headspace of feeling like a writer, which turns into living like a writer which is really just sitting down and writing. And with this story I have been able to write a chapter a day thus far--which is only taking a few hours a pop which for me is amazing.

It feels good.

The only problem will be once I return to work--balancing out my schedule of work outs and writing and the social life. I suspect that something will have to give eventually and it just might be my sleep patterns. But we shall see.

It's all new and open and not ready to pretend otherwise.

Progress

I have been working on a new novel idea... I call it an idea until it is at least halfway finished and since I am only in the planning stages--it's a not even a baby yet. I'm trying to make the actual story much more simple this time around because what has always caught me up in the past is the scale of how I write.

I do too much.

I like to create worlds--not like Hunger Games or Lord of the Rings--I'm much more of a real world writer with a young adult focus. I find something interesting within the world of teens; the idea of identity, the small social interactions and the idea of the future being a focus which all action moves towards.

Some would call me a snob.

But with that view comes a huge issue of scale--its not enough to have a protagonist and atagonist, a love interest or two... I find myself often creating a social network for my teens to exist in with parents and friends, teachers and bullies, part time jobs and lofty future goals. So what I am trying to do is scale that back somehow...

It's a process.

But I think it also allows me to have a style to my work. I hope that people can see a world when they read my worlds, filled with places and things they remember or are experiencing... First time relationships, the boredom and freedom of after school jobs, the lunches at the mall, the excitement of parties, the push between who they are and how their parents see them.

But I really just want someone who wants to read about my characters; whether they are a confused bi-sexual boy in a sports family or a little Eurasian girl deserted by her father, or a prom queen with a heart of gold who may be a boy or a girl. I just have to put the words out there.

That's the hard part.

Breaking Down Walls

So I had a breakthrough the other night... I had a stressful night at home with Johnno about projects around the Dollhouse and instead of asking for what I needed I just shut down... I just felt like because I had asked in the past for help, that when the time came he should have known to just step up and help.

He's not psychic.

As I was crying and arguing I suddenly realized why i don't know how to ask for things--why I confusing saying what I want with begging... Growing up my parents really ignored the things I wanted and what I was about... Not talking about chores or allowence but the simple act of help and support... So often to get what I needed I had to beg, to cry, to needle to get the simplest things... I hated it then and I hate it now...

I have confused asking for what I want with begging for table scraps, that people I love should know and give without me asking... It's an unfair burden on myself and it is a test for them when all they want is my words and my intentions. I have to get better about owning what I want and trusting that they can and will give it to me...

I am not a little boy hoping for better, I am an adult who has people who want to make it better... I have to trust in that and go for those things with an open heart.

Cue The Porn Music

The title comes from a tweet i sent out last week... After visiting the job I was very nervous--they have revamped the whole story department and are trying out something new with AVIDs and stringouts. Something I am not familiar with... So coming out of my visit I was feeling pretty damn disheartened even though I was still meeting up with my producer.

This is when I sent the tweet.

Imagine my surprise when I recieved a phone call from my producer the next day... He gave me a start date for the show, explained that the position would be changing somewhat and that they were eager to have me back. I was so relieved until he joked--"you dont have to cue the porn music"

BEAT

Turns out I forgot that I was friends with him and my bosses on facebook and they saw my tweet... Fortunately I was able to dance my way out of the situation with some ease but not before I was lectured by the office. I was told to remember that they like me, want to work with me and all I need to do is ask the right questions and they will steer me in the right direction.

I wish I knew why I was so mistrustful... i have no reason to be.

Nerves

I'm freaking out right now... I went by the office today to touch base and got the vibe that they might be losing my job all together from the show. I'm still having a meeting with them on Friday to figure out what is going on but I don't feel good about.

And I'm pissed.

It's not like I'm making up the scenario here... I was told to talk with them before I took another job, they tried to keep me there as long as possible and told me that I would be back... For this to happen and me to lose out would be such shit I would need sedation to not blow up.

It's just so unfair.

But I have to wait and see what happens... Johnno is worried for me, Kirby thinks I am being too negative but I just have this vibe... And they are always right... And all my other job connections are gearing up for BB or already mid--show it will be hard to reach out to people...

I have to keep it together. Either way I am getting drunk this weekend.

Refocused

So I had a bad day today... Saw some numbers in place I didnt want to see them, had this feeling that I was wasting my time and effort for so many things. But instead of freaking out I decided to give myself a break which helped more than any freak out could do.

I came out of today realizing that I have to remember how to balance my goals versus what I can do in any one time. I realized that my goals need me to work towards them instead of just hoping they will show up. I found my muse again and have started a new writing project--something that was hanging over my head. I will get up tomorrow and continue to focus on my fitness goals and eating habits, continuing down the right path even if it doesnt feel right yet. I will continue to be positive when working on the wedding planning because I know it will happen when it is right and I will reward myself in the future--when things are in process instead of making myself suffer for a goal that will take time.

I can see clearly now--perspective is all that was needed. It just takes some time.

Going Crazy

I think being home alone all day is getting to me... All I do is work out, look at wedding stuff and trying to force myself to write.... None of this is helping and might be making me go crazy... I weigh myself and get upset, I look at wedding venues and get worked up or feel guilty about not being ble to string towo word together even though I have all the time in the world.

I'm going off the rails.

18 Becomes 200

So I weighed myself for the first time in months--I knew something was up when I felt like nothing fit properly, nothing was comfortable and was off. So when the numbers came back the verdict was in--18 pounds gained over 5 1/2 months.

Wince

I spent the first day lying to myself about how it could have happened--it didnt make sense, I work so hard and I was doing everything right... Except that I knew better--that while struggling to quit smoking I was eating more, that I was having fries and pasta and other things without a care and my workout schedule fell apart due to back problems and then a constant lack of energy and focus.

It didnt help that I have been rolling around a book idea in my head connected to my eating issues and past struggles with bulimia which made everything more sensitive. I couldnt focus too much or I would go crazy but then if I didnt at all then I end up with the 18 pounds I already had.

Refocus

So instead I went and bought new running shoes to replace the ones that were hurting my feet, I bought myself a heart rate monitor to try and make sure I work out better and even a little foot pedal bike like thing to use when my back acts up. I feel much better and back on track for now... I am still balancing my need for smokes and couscous but I can do this better than before. It helps that Johnno is on a cooking kick and I'm on a veggie kick so--we shall see how it plays out

It's expensive to refocus but not as much as buying a new wardrobe.