And A Unitard On A Pear Shaped Boy

So this started back around Thanksgiving.... Edie had return from New York for a brief stop before heading up to Canada for work. I had heard that she lost a bunch of weight while living in the street--I was hoping she would notice the difference P90X had been making on me for the last two months. Nothing was said and I was a bit bummed but made it wasn't obvious.

A few weeks later Johnno, Kelly, Ava, Bailey and I had plans to go out to a club night that Johnno and I had been to before with some other friends of our. We all had a good time--too much of a good time--but I felt cute and had fun. It wasnt until the middle of the next week and hanging out with Ally that I heard that I had taken some pictures back at Kelly's in a unitard.

Oh My God.

I didnt remember taking them and all I could think was how fat I must have looked in the outfit. I topped off that night with a conversation about this new jacket I had bought on line last year--it didnt fit very well at the time but I figured that I would shed about ten pounds over the year and it wouuld fit. It didnt

I told Ally about how it was more bothersome that it was extremely tight through the shoulders. This led to a conversation about how it was because my lats werent toned and she showed me the proper form for the exercise. I could feel the difference in the muscle and this lead to a two prong discussion. One was that it seems that I might need to work with a trainer to see if I am getting proper form on my exercises--I was honest that sometimes I dont feel things work when I am lifting or contracting them. The other part was about how P90X didnt seem to be working, that my diet wasnt helping things and I need to reassess.

It was a bit upsetting.

And then came this weekend and the Robin/Ally holiday party. I went in knowing that I would be going off diet and the real quetion would be as to how much. I tried to avoid chips and cookies--did okay on chips but not cookies--however I also finally was able to see the unitard picture.

It was awful.

There is a part of me that knows this is my fault--I make deals on food, I dont work hard enough to keep certain things out of my mouth and I have to be consistant with my eating, tracking my eating, how I work out and what I am doing when I am working out. I'm not upset with anyone but myself--I just feel like I try so hard and feel little acomplishment. I wish I didnt care as much as I do or could work on accepting things.

I mean--I know I will never look like Ryan Reynolds shirtless or a model from a magazine. That's not me and not what I want. But I do want to believe that I can look good, have things fit better, maybe be okay with going shirtless. I just want something so simple and try so hard and feel like I am failing. There is a part of me that is being to hard on myself and I know this but if I dont work on it and push myself then I feel like nothing gets done.

At least now I have a picture for motivation