I would like to wear this
I would end up looking like Rachel Zoe's old assistant Brad drunk on a bender but what a great time it would be. I mean--this could work if I had a beard to keep it butch right?
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Happy
I need to stop being so thrown by people's happiness. Or rather--I need to stop question what make other people happy. For a long time I have associated happy people with simple people, stupid people, shallow people--the ones who don't think about much, want for much or do much.
This makes me a snob.
And what i am starting to realize is that I am mostly happy. I have moments where I bliss out about how much of my life is going great. Moments where I can barely pick apart the faults and stare at the cracks in my life. And this doesn't make me any less aware or creative or smart or interesting.
It just makes me more stable and centered. There is nothing wrong with that. So maybe I need to start embracing the happiness I have in my life. Spend lunch breaks daydreaming, spending nights relaxing and the moments enjoying the fruits of my labor (Tee Hee)
Or just start drinking more and wearing black and acting angsty to balance it all out.
I need to stop being so thrown by people's happiness. Or rather--I need to stop question what make other people happy. For a long time I have associated happy people with simple people, stupid people, shallow people--the ones who don't think about much, want for much or do much.
This makes me a snob.
And what i am starting to realize is that I am mostly happy. I have moments where I bliss out about how much of my life is going great. Moments where I can barely pick apart the faults and stare at the cracks in my life. And this doesn't make me any less aware or creative or smart or interesting.
It just makes me more stable and centered. There is nothing wrong with that. So maybe I need to start embracing the happiness I have in my life. Spend lunch breaks daydreaming, spending nights relaxing and the moments enjoying the fruits of my labor (Tee Hee)
Or just start drinking more and wearing black and acting angsty to balance it all out.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Learn Something
So this past weekend was crazy... Between the boyfriend's 30th birthday, his sister and her fiancee arriving in town and Edie's brief visit to LA--everything has been running on all levels. It's a good feeling to be busy but all i want now is to sleep on the floor of the handicapped bathroom at my office.
Gross but true
And I did learn a lot of things this past weekend from all the people I saw and talk with and ate with and danced with and watched football with and rode in cars with. Sometimes I get so caught up in the idea of how things were that I forget what thing truly are--about people, places and my expectations.
I learned there is nothing wrong with being the person who dances all night alone of the floor of a tranny bar. Sure people may stop and stare, you might have to dance to a couple awful songs and you will get hit on by people you would rather hit... But there is something freeing about not giving a fuck and losing yourself to what you want more than what anyone else would want for you....
Just because people see a problem doesn't mean that they are really part of the solution. I didn't really notice how the same people who complain about certain social traits in LA are also the same people who do not try and fix those things at all!!! And I was really surprised that the people who put the most effort into making things better were not at all who i expected or how I thought it would play out. Be gone with the judging...
Some people have no context for themselves or their behavior... Sometimes it sucks when that is obvious and a problem but--you can't save anyone from themselves. And sometimes they don't know that they have a problem so who are you to decide and point it out to them? I wouldn't want that for myself.
And finally--we don't know how much time we have left. Nothing is a given in this life and so you have to try and make the most of what you are allowed to have. It sounds trite and miserable but it is also true. Nothing is more haunting then the moment you realize that everyone you know someday will die.
Embrace the lessons and live better--that's what I have to do now.
So this past weekend was crazy... Between the boyfriend's 30th birthday, his sister and her fiancee arriving in town and Edie's brief visit to LA--everything has been running on all levels. It's a good feeling to be busy but all i want now is to sleep on the floor of the handicapped bathroom at my office.
Gross but true
And I did learn a lot of things this past weekend from all the people I saw and talk with and ate with and danced with and watched football with and rode in cars with. Sometimes I get so caught up in the idea of how things were that I forget what thing truly are--about people, places and my expectations.
I learned there is nothing wrong with being the person who dances all night alone of the floor of a tranny bar. Sure people may stop and stare, you might have to dance to a couple awful songs and you will get hit on by people you would rather hit... But there is something freeing about not giving a fuck and losing yourself to what you want more than what anyone else would want for you....
Just because people see a problem doesn't mean that they are really part of the solution. I didn't really notice how the same people who complain about certain social traits in LA are also the same people who do not try and fix those things at all!!! And I was really surprised that the people who put the most effort into making things better were not at all who i expected or how I thought it would play out. Be gone with the judging...
Some people have no context for themselves or their behavior... Sometimes it sucks when that is obvious and a problem but--you can't save anyone from themselves. And sometimes they don't know that they have a problem so who are you to decide and point it out to them? I wouldn't want that for myself.
And finally--we don't know how much time we have left. Nothing is a given in this life and so you have to try and make the most of what you are allowed to have. It sounds trite and miserable but it is also true. Nothing is more haunting then the moment you realize that everyone you know someday will die.
Embrace the lessons and live better--that's what I have to do now.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Petty
So my friend Chloe today posted the following picture
She joked that the universe was sending her a message that her diet was possibly following around the greater metro area. It is kind of funny. But it got me thinking into how so many people in my life are suddenly all about healthy eating and cleanses and hiking and running –all the New Years type stuff. And while we are barely two weeks in--I find it a bit frustrating.
I know this is not fair.
I guess what bugs me are that there are people in my life who are so constant in how they take care of themselves. People who are always working on their eating habits, who work out every day because they need it, people who pass up the sugar and booze, who pay attention and make their own healthy habits.
They are the types who will talk about it if you ask them; they will give details or tips, explain what they have changed or adapted their bodies too, but they don’t feel the need to constantly talk about it or pressure others to adapt to their timetable.
I mean—I don’t eat a lot of common things anymore. You don’t hear me complain about the coffee being served not being decaf—I bring my own. You don’t see Johnno complaining about how there’s no cheese or veggies to eat at a party so that he is left with cookies and pizza rolls and chips. We both try to take responsibility for our choices and we put our backs into it.
So when suddenly everyone else around me is getting obsessed with talking about their running, about how the party needs to have better food choices for them, and complains about how hard it is… I just have a gallon of shut up waiting to be poured on the situation. I figure I can wait out a month or two before I get worked up but I am still bugged by it.
I know this is petty in the grand scheme of things and I should just let it go. I just don’t want to suffer through the complaints and the struggle as if it is some new thing to our lives. Some of us have been doing this all along.
So my friend Chloe today posted the following picture
She joked that the universe was sending her a message that her diet was possibly following around the greater metro area. It is kind of funny. But it got me thinking into how so many people in my life are suddenly all about healthy eating and cleanses and hiking and running –all the New Years type stuff. And while we are barely two weeks in--I find it a bit frustrating.
I know this is not fair.
I guess what bugs me are that there are people in my life who are so constant in how they take care of themselves. People who are always working on their eating habits, who work out every day because they need it, people who pass up the sugar and booze, who pay attention and make their own healthy habits.
They are the types who will talk about it if you ask them; they will give details or tips, explain what they have changed or adapted their bodies too, but they don’t feel the need to constantly talk about it or pressure others to adapt to their timetable.
I mean—I don’t eat a lot of common things anymore. You don’t hear me complain about the coffee being served not being decaf—I bring my own. You don’t see Johnno complaining about how there’s no cheese or veggies to eat at a party so that he is left with cookies and pizza rolls and chips. We both try to take responsibility for our choices and we put our backs into it.
So when suddenly everyone else around me is getting obsessed with talking about their running, about how the party needs to have better food choices for them, and complains about how hard it is… I just have a gallon of shut up waiting to be poured on the situation. I figure I can wait out a month or two before I get worked up but I am still bugged by it.
I know this is petty in the grand scheme of things and I should just let it go. I just don’t want to suffer through the complaints and the struggle as if it is some new thing to our lives. Some of us have been doing this all along.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Can I Be A Pimp Please? 70's Style That Is....
I am not sure why but i totally wish I could rock this look out and about in LA. (But not the sweatpants portion--no me gusta) But there is something about the hat that appeals to me but could also go horribly awry.
http://www.thesartorialist.com/photos/10911SeoulHatWeb.jpg
I am not sure why but i totally wish I could rock this look out and about in LA. (But not the sweatpants portion--no me gusta) But there is something about the hat that appeals to me but could also go horribly awry.
http://www.thesartorialist.com/photos/10911SeoulHatWeb.jpg
The Project At Hand
So I have decided to backburner the novel for awhile—mostly due to the fact that I was getting a bit burnt out creatively and knew that I would like a clear focus for when I restarted the rewrite process. But I am not going to rest on my laurels and decided to try for something else.
The game plan right now is to try and make myself write short stories for the next couple of months. The goal is to try and get one done about every ten days—nothing super long but small pieces to either explore working on my voice or trying out characters and situations that I have in my mind that might not fit into the “novel” concept.
And to keep myself accountable I will be posting these pieces on my secondary blogger log for people to read if they would like. I imagine I will be sticking to mostly young adult themes and characters but will hopefully play more with characters of different races, sexes, sexuality and cultural backgrounds. I think this is a good comprise with my current situation and might inspire me to find new characters or narratives.
So I have decided to backburner the novel for awhile—mostly due to the fact that I was getting a bit burnt out creatively and knew that I would like a clear focus for when I restarted the rewrite process. But I am not going to rest on my laurels and decided to try for something else.
The game plan right now is to try and make myself write short stories for the next couple of months. The goal is to try and get one done about every ten days—nothing super long but small pieces to either explore working on my voice or trying out characters and situations that I have in my mind that might not fit into the “novel” concept.
And to keep myself accountable I will be posting these pieces on my secondary blogger log for people to read if they would like. I imagine I will be sticking to mostly young adult themes and characters but will hopefully play more with characters of different races, sexes, sexuality and cultural backgrounds. I think this is a good comprise with my current situation and might inspire me to find new characters or narratives.
Friday, January 07, 2011
High Horse
I am trying to get myself back on the horse regarding my eating decisions. the boy and I are still trying to avoid sugar, corn syrup and carbs like we have been through the last two years but I finally cracked over the course of the holidays. Not during the holidays of course--because that would be expected.
The irony is Johnno had made point of bringing up how good I had been in the face of temptation--the parties, the dinners, the gifts and how I managed to dodge cookies and candy and pasta. it wasn't until the DAY AFTER Christmas that I finally lost all restrain and ate so much sugar that i woke up sick to my stomach the next day. and so I decided it was time to readdress the whole deal.
I needed to get back on a proper workout schedule--I hadn't since i started the new job and would only work it in here and there. i made a lot of excuses but knew that it was time to stop with that. i bought myself a chin up bar and have been rocking that out with some success--though I am no Linda Hamilton in T2
And I have been attempting to forgo cheese--at least during the week. i am not sure how this will play out long term with our already restricted eating plan. I am worried about needing more options but it hasn't driven me crazy yet. And i am trying to rediscover the balance between healthy eating with the right amount of meals and choices.
it's hard.
But that being said--I know what I can do because I have done it before. Fighting off a few pounds that returned and staying on track is not that hard to do. I just have to resist the urge to ply the boy with bad food so that he chubs and makes me look thinner by default.
That would not be cool.
I am trying to get myself back on the horse regarding my eating decisions. the boy and I are still trying to avoid sugar, corn syrup and carbs like we have been through the last two years but I finally cracked over the course of the holidays. Not during the holidays of course--because that would be expected.
The irony is Johnno had made point of bringing up how good I had been in the face of temptation--the parties, the dinners, the gifts and how I managed to dodge cookies and candy and pasta. it wasn't until the DAY AFTER Christmas that I finally lost all restrain and ate so much sugar that i woke up sick to my stomach the next day. and so I decided it was time to readdress the whole deal.
I needed to get back on a proper workout schedule--I hadn't since i started the new job and would only work it in here and there. i made a lot of excuses but knew that it was time to stop with that. i bought myself a chin up bar and have been rocking that out with some success--though I am no Linda Hamilton in T2
And I have been attempting to forgo cheese--at least during the week. i am not sure how this will play out long term with our already restricted eating plan. I am worried about needing more options but it hasn't driven me crazy yet. And i am trying to rediscover the balance between healthy eating with the right amount of meals and choices.
it's hard.
But that being said--I know what I can do because I have done it before. Fighting off a few pounds that returned and staying on track is not that hard to do. I just have to resist the urge to ply the boy with bad food so that he chubs and makes me look thinner by default.
That would not be cool.
Sunday, January 02, 2011
Reflection After The Fact
So it is the night of the 2nd--things have finally started to get back to normal in the post holiday days... There's no more parties or recovery brunches, last minute travel and all the guests have said good-bye. It is also the first time I have really felt like I could sit down and reflect on 2010.
It is really easy to get caught up in the bad years and fixated on them. We have all had bad years--years where people were dumped, or lost their jobs or worried about families and loved ones. Those years hit the hardest and stick the most once they are gone--mine was 2006/2007. (They run neck and neck.)
But that was not the case this year. If anything this year was one of the good ones--if not one of the best.
I started off this year working on the "Rachel Zoe Project"--a show filmed with fashion and celebirties, madness and personalities. (and that was just behind the scenes) It was a show that forced me to look at my own sense of style--it got my first pair of boots, to wear an ascot and a headband, to seriously consider how I wanted people to see me. It was fun to work on a show where I liked the people and respect the theme of the show. It doesn't always happen that way.
And I came straight out of that show and back to "Big Brother". It was a novel feeling to come out of one project and right into another with only days between them. And while I wasn't thrilled how it happened; it was the year of my big promotion to the story department.
It showed me how much I was willing to do for something I wanted--to work long hours, to find my voice and process with my words. I proved to myself how much I could do and how far I could go and while it wasn't always perfect I saw just who was and could be. Not only did I prove something to the show; I proved it to myself.
And I finished out the year with my new show "Lock Up" for MSNBC. It is a prison show and different from anything else I have worked on. It is interesting to see not only a world of that I have never been a part of but a show that is about the type of place my father works. I am gaining really insight into people and places that I would never see--hopefully--and I am astounded by what I am learning.
And all this means that i have worked a lot this year. 10 months of work is hard to come by in the freelance world and is something that I am grateful for. In an economy where so many of us have been effected--it is nice to feel safe for a little while.
But it hasn't just been the year of my career. I spent a lot of time working on my writing, working through my novel and getting back in touch with my creative side. It hasn't been easy but is the one area that I am most glad to have put my effort and heart. It is hard to remember and make time for my words but I did that this year. And while the novel is on hold for a bit--it has sharpened my mind and put me back on track. The details of what that means are forthcoming.
And finally--the biggest change of the past year. Johnno moved into the Dollhouse and even more into my life. If you had told me how seamless this would all feel or that I would even make that move this past year--i would have laughed. And yet here I am, living with the man I love and able to be open to sharing my life more than i have with anyone. It has been filled with small moments of domestic bliss, moments of tribulation and yet it has shown me so much about both of us. And has made me truly grateful to both Edie and Lola for allowing this to happen.
Of course this isn't all that happened. I had more time with my friends than I had in years--Edie was in LA more than ever, Pretty and Mary Frances and Chloe and Naomi all came to visit LA at various points, and I developed better relationships with people like Thomas and Skylar. I made new friends in various places in my life and new memories with friends that I already hold close.
There were nights at tranny bars and bunny museums, drinking at Hollywood bars and walking the streets of Portland in search of coffee. I spent nights in cabs with friends across downtown and went off in search of temples and Asian wares. I was kissed at midnight by the right person and was on national tv with one of my best friends and her mother. I did a lot of things I wanted and even some I didn't. (I'm looking at you jury duty.)
And through it all I learned so much about life. About how to love someone, about how to make a career of why my words matter so much and why I have the friendships I have. I hope to take what I already have and continue to make it thrive in the new year. I know that I can do this and hope to take the people in my life on that same journey.
And it's not just about the boyfriend or the best friends but about everyone I care about. It will be about coworkers and family members, neighbors and roommates. I want to continue to make the best of all my time with travel and coffee, memories and actions, words and fashion.
I want to be able to be this happy a year from now.
So it is the night of the 2nd--things have finally started to get back to normal in the post holiday days... There's no more parties or recovery brunches, last minute travel and all the guests have said good-bye. It is also the first time I have really felt like I could sit down and reflect on 2010.
It is really easy to get caught up in the bad years and fixated on them. We have all had bad years--years where people were dumped, or lost their jobs or worried about families and loved ones. Those years hit the hardest and stick the most once they are gone--mine was 2006/2007. (They run neck and neck.)
But that was not the case this year. If anything this year was one of the good ones--if not one of the best.
I started off this year working on the "Rachel Zoe Project"--a show filmed with fashion and celebirties, madness and personalities. (and that was just behind the scenes) It was a show that forced me to look at my own sense of style--it got my first pair of boots, to wear an ascot and a headband, to seriously consider how I wanted people to see me. It was fun to work on a show where I liked the people and respect the theme of the show. It doesn't always happen that way.
And I came straight out of that show and back to "Big Brother". It was a novel feeling to come out of one project and right into another with only days between them. And while I wasn't thrilled how it happened; it was the year of my big promotion to the story department.
It showed me how much I was willing to do for something I wanted--to work long hours, to find my voice and process with my words. I proved to myself how much I could do and how far I could go and while it wasn't always perfect I saw just who was and could be. Not only did I prove something to the show; I proved it to myself.
And I finished out the year with my new show "Lock Up" for MSNBC. It is a prison show and different from anything else I have worked on. It is interesting to see not only a world of that I have never been a part of but a show that is about the type of place my father works. I am gaining really insight into people and places that I would never see--hopefully--and I am astounded by what I am learning.
And all this means that i have worked a lot this year. 10 months of work is hard to come by in the freelance world and is something that I am grateful for. In an economy where so many of us have been effected--it is nice to feel safe for a little while.
But it hasn't just been the year of my career. I spent a lot of time working on my writing, working through my novel and getting back in touch with my creative side. It hasn't been easy but is the one area that I am most glad to have put my effort and heart. It is hard to remember and make time for my words but I did that this year. And while the novel is on hold for a bit--it has sharpened my mind and put me back on track. The details of what that means are forthcoming.
And finally--the biggest change of the past year. Johnno moved into the Dollhouse and even more into my life. If you had told me how seamless this would all feel or that I would even make that move this past year--i would have laughed. And yet here I am, living with the man I love and able to be open to sharing my life more than i have with anyone. It has been filled with small moments of domestic bliss, moments of tribulation and yet it has shown me so much about both of us. And has made me truly grateful to both Edie and Lola for allowing this to happen.
Of course this isn't all that happened. I had more time with my friends than I had in years--Edie was in LA more than ever, Pretty and Mary Frances and Chloe and Naomi all came to visit LA at various points, and I developed better relationships with people like Thomas and Skylar. I made new friends in various places in my life and new memories with friends that I already hold close.
There were nights at tranny bars and bunny museums, drinking at Hollywood bars and walking the streets of Portland in search of coffee. I spent nights in cabs with friends across downtown and went off in search of temples and Asian wares. I was kissed at midnight by the right person and was on national tv with one of my best friends and her mother. I did a lot of things I wanted and even some I didn't. (I'm looking at you jury duty.)
And through it all I learned so much about life. About how to love someone, about how to make a career of why my words matter so much and why I have the friendships I have. I hope to take what I already have and continue to make it thrive in the new year. I know that I can do this and hope to take the people in my life on that same journey.
And it's not just about the boyfriend or the best friends but about everyone I care about. It will be about coworkers and family members, neighbors and roommates. I want to continue to make the best of all my time with travel and coffee, memories and actions, words and fashion.
I want to be able to be this happy a year from now.
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