PS I Love You

I had an amazing weekend. I alwasy forget how much I pack my time--one night it is drinks in a Hollywood lounge, the next night it's karokee in a dive bar in Venice. It's a cycle of coffee and movie nights, shopping and parties in both the Hills and the Valley. i fill my time so quickly that I began to stress about all the things I have to get done.

I don't HAVE to get anything done.

It took heading down to Palm Springs with Valeska, Kelly and Johnno to spend the night with Joy at her grandfather's house. We spent our time off the radar with movies like Pretty Woman and Grease 2, small fun dinners on the main drag and filled the downtimes with cocktails and naps. It was low key and low stress but made for some serious soul searching.

I realized that I need to set up things in my life in a new way--that I need to make more memories than schedules, more wishlists than to-do lists. That when I choose-I can have an amazing time with those who matter without making it be about anything else

I also realized I am funny. As such-here is the best quote from the whole trip--by me


"I wish life were like that--after you have an emotional outburst, someone just hands you a hanky and sets you up wth a personal shopper."

-Rory regarding Pretty Woman

Obsessed

Seriously i am just obsessed with orange as of late. I just find it appealing as all out. but where to find more and more options for orange pieces?





I know it's obvious I love this color but how do I own this color?

Dear Fate

You are a crafty and cunning botch. I have yet to fully understand what you are up to but it’s nice to know that you just might have my back. Devil is in the details… So look out for pitchforks and patent leather.

A Conversation Between Soulmates

I know exactly what you mean about wanting and having creating confusing expectations. I am on the fence about moving in with the boy-it's hard to have him pack up on Sunday nights to go back to his place when I do want him to stay but then I worry I am not built to live with anyone in a romantic sense

It doesn't help that I love my apartment and my roomies. They are both so low maintenance as roommates and we have a lot of great adventures because of the proximity but I am realizing that is not enough.... I want the boy and the apartment but am learning i can't have both--I’m at a loss.

And then there is the time I spend in my head with decisions... And I hate making decisions--I am then constantly wondering how the other role would have played out... Then I get myself all caught up in how it could have been-for better or worse--which results in me just being so far from what is in front of me that coming back to reality feels so farcical since I have committed so much fantasy to the road less traveled.

I read way too many 'Choose your Own Adventures'

So I have to learn to put that second self in the corner. I have to learn to use that energy and those musings in another forum--hopefully in my writing and not in my actual head space.

It sucks having a mansion for imagination because there is always way too much of my head living there.

Obsession

I love this room




This is what i will do my own apartment in eventually. The boyfriend better prepare himself for this magic coming his way at all times. Like for certain

I just wish I knew good places to find an orange couch.

All About Being a Bitch

I didn’t realize until today how much of my time has been wasted waiting on other people to get their shite together. The truth is that I am putting things in my life-things that I want for myself and other people-on hold because certain people don’t want to try and fix themselves or deal with their problems as an adult

This is an annoying realization if only because these are some of the same people who cluelessly do things that hurt my feelings and the act surprised that they can do it.

It makes me just want to take what I want and fuck everyone else.

Object of Lust

I know this is so gay and also quite possibly so 2001 but I have been obsessed with this.




I found this necklace at Urban Outfitters website and have been wearing it nonstop like my last name was Bradshaw and my first name was Carrie. Yeah it feels so weirdly retro and yet something so new to me that i can't resist. I don't know why it appeals to me so much but it is tiny and discrete and the only French thing I have ever owned.

But for some reason it makes me feel cool.

The Edge is Of Course Jagged

So I spent the beginning of today being an ass. I was in a bad mood for some reason-tired and busy and cranky--and this lead to me being snappish. Seriously snappish with the boy.

I have been a constant struggle as of the last year or so with my frustration and my anger. i don't know where it has come from but i seem unable at points to control myself from yelling or slamming things around when things aren't going my way. i hate it and i try to control it but this has become more and more of a common event. And i can't figure out why.

I am in love with an amazing guy, I am working on a show that I truly enjoy being a part of, the money situation is under control and even the few kinks in my social life have been worked out. It's a pretty close to blessed life and yet i find myself pushing at it's edges by getting worked up over the smallest details.

Why do I crave perfection?

I danced so close to the line that I actually thought I might have pushed too far and too hard. I crossed some point with my anger and frustration and I turned it out why too far and came so close to breaking my on heart. I made the boy cry even if it was about other things and it was the closest I have ever been to ripping my own heart out.

But we're fine now

Even so, I can't help but be terrified of how far I took things. It is not right or okay and I need to figure out how to not be that person again. i have seen the edge

I have no interest on what is on the other side.

You Might Be Becoming A Lesbian

I had this thought the other night as I was rolling around my house post work and post red wine-I might just be finding the ladies more fun than the mens.

I am in love with the film “Whip It’ even thought it is all about hidden girl on girl sexuality. I find myself constantly curious about Drew Barrymore and Juliette Lewis-what would they be like in bed? I’d watch.




I like the idea of going to Lilith Fair and possibly following said tour around in some type of VW bus. I was depressed I couldn’t get on the action last go around. This even though most of the acts would want to cut my penis off-looking at you Paula Cole and Alanis Morisette.



Even still, I have been obsessed with the entire ‘The Runways’ catalog lately and blasting various tunes whenever in the shower to the ire of my neighbors. Kristin Stewart’s portrayal of Joan Jett and her lady loving ways made like that actress and we all know I think she sucks.



And now I just want to hang out with my lesbian friends. I spend my days at work with Jolisa and we hide in her bay as she talks about all the girls she kissed the weekend before. I have learned how to undone a bra by snapping my fingers. And at night-I find myself constantly trying to get together with Kirby, Wynona-as well as Johnno’s friends Jamie-Lynn and Justine because they know how to drink and get the party going well beyond the tipping point. Beer and babes abound and I love it.

I love it so much that I want to turn other girls lesbian so they can be just as cool. Some of you better watch your back!

You know who you are

This is how I know he loves



I should be better

Red Wine and Rain

The rain started when I was out to coffee with Kelly and Valeska. We were under umbrellas so we continued with our lattes and ice coffees and aviod the water as we talked and caught up. It's been awhile since we've had just time to ourselves and I probably ran off at the mouth but it was one of those moments one can do that.

They happen less and less.

But life has been strange in the past month. Without going into full details-the month isn't over and I don't want to push my luck--I have found myself reflecting and realizing things. That at the end of the day we only can do what we can and say with the words when the time is right and that that has to be enough.

I'm tired of working too hard.

But as I sip my wine and watch the water fall i can't help but know that on some level my life is good. I can be real with my friends-the obvious and the unexpected--and that I can trust my insticts and also allow myself my pratfalls. It isn't bad that a necklace can make me happen or that sometimes I want a cookie or that maybe I can be a bit unfair and greedy.

I know that wanting good things for yourself isn't really greed.

And after the rain has cleaned the street and the wine has left my glass that tomorrow will give me more chances to try and be better. Better as a person, better at my goals and better at loving myself. It doesn't really can your life to know this--but maybe you can see what i mean and find it within yourself

RIP Dixie Carter



Dixie Cater passed away this past weekend and I couldn't be more sad about it. Her turn as Julia Sugarbaker was one of my favorite performances in any television show and influenced the way I looked at the world and the qualties I wanted in people in general.







One of my wishes was to be as outspoken, well read and as brave as she always seemed to be. Rest well Dixie Carter-you gave us a hell of a ride

Objects of Lust

I just like the idea of these rooms.





I collect these type of pictures so that I can get inspired and even steal elements of each design for my own spaces down the line. I know they are a bit over the top but I would tone them down, use my own colors but the basic points of each room would still apply to the design.

I just love the use of color and pattern.

Such a fag.

Chad White Does Not Eat Ice Cream

Everyone make a food/lifestyle change really needs a mantra or motivation. For some people it’s Oprah’s vision board, for others it’s ‘The Secret’ and others it’s the one piece of clothing you have hanging on your closet door as the ‘perfect outfit’. For me, it is this guy.







His name is Chad White. He’s a model from a bunch of advertising campaigns, most notably as one of the Dolce and Gabbana models of the last few seasons. He is hot in an unsubtle way with a smoking body

I have seen him in person. It is hot.

Here’s the thing. I know I will never look like Chad White in any way, shape or form but I love the ideal that he represents. One of the most interesting things he said was to my fellow logger—Bobby joked that Chad probably hasn’t had ice cream in years and Chad responded with ‘Chad White does not eat ice cream. Ice cream is just a moment in the day but what Chad White gets without ice cream is to feel good, see the world and make money. Trade off.’

Yes Chad White did speak in the third person. He’s funny that way. But what he said is so true. It’s totally about the trade off-and I use ‘Chad White does not eat ice cream’ whenever I get near a bad food choice.

Because I secret want this body or as close as I can get.



It’s never going to happen but it definitely won’t if I eat ice cream.

Genes and Jeans

I don’t know how I inherited the self destructive gene. I mean-we all second guess ourselves and make dubious choices for a million reasons—maybe we were drinking, refusing to let go of the past or forgetting to learn from our present. You get to point though when you start growing beyond those moments and find new and better ways to cope

That’s the game plan.

I just wish it was that simple. See, this past weekend Kelly and Valeska threw their 2nd annual Jimmy Buffet themed parking lot party. Last year was a lot of fun between hurricanes, 50 pounds of sand, flambongos and a post party huddle with the friends and the new-ish boyfriend. I was excited to seee what would happen this year.

And for the most part the party was great—I missed Johnno not being there but everyone had fun, lots of booze drank and lots of people left happy. But the one thing that stuck out is that suddenly everyone seemed to notice the weight loss and was constantly complimenting me.

Not going to lie-it was awesome.

The funny thing is the person who seemed to best understand how weird the sudden attention was was Sophie from ‘Big Brother’. She pointed out that sometimes you have that window of 5 or 6 pounds and suddenly everything is different. Which makes sense and when you add new clothes and a bit of time between seeing some people and I just felt hot.

But it doesn’t explain how I spent the next day shoveling carbs and sugar into my mouth. Now I know that Edie and I talked about how Easter is a holiday and that you have to allow yourself a treat now and then but I was ridiculous. I had food I have touched in almost 10 months like crackers and stuffing and potatoes and mudslides and just everything but the kitchen sink.

And that was because the kitchen sink was not made of sugar.

It was just so weird because I was aware as I was doing all of this that I would lose any serious momentum gained in the last month or two. But I was suddenly just obsessed with the idea of letting go and giving in. For no real reason.

The only good thing to come out of this was how I work up at 3 in the morning with such a sugar hangover that I was almost sick. It felt so disgusting and uncomfortable and was payment for not keeping on track.

So I did learn something

I just wish that I could figure out why I make these choices. I was upset ir depressed or intoxicated or anything of the sort. Just ended up in some bad idea jeans.

I have to be better.

Without Him

Johnno has been gone for a week. His grandfather passed away and so he had to fly back to Seattle for the funeral and-because of me-ended up staying through Easter. It's the longest we have been apart since we really became boyfriends.

I miss him

With that said, there is something that is strangely exciting about feeling like I am on my own. Not the being single stuff, not the flirting stuff but all the little things I forget about myself when I am with Johnno.

Like walking the streets to Kelly and Johnny's house in my shades with my backpack and just feeling so New York. Like debating my entrance to the party since i'm always a little late on purpose. Dancing around the Dollhouse pre-party as I go through my clothes and my itunes at the same time. All that silly weird fun stuff I forget about. Secret single behavior

But I'm not single-which is good-and I cannot wait for the boyfriend to come home. Maybe I'll be a bit more playful and fun after running around all week like Carrie Bradshaw

We'll see

Object of Lust

I totally blame Edie for this becoming stuck in my head but it's catchy

DAMN IT



But who did Ludacris kill to end up in this song?

John Forsythe RIP

His death has made me so sad. Between playing the role of Charlie Townsend (aka the voice of Charlie's Angeles) and the one and only Blake Carrington (of Dynasty fame) this man gave me a lot of great television memories.

Here are some of my favorite moments of him as a performer





I know it's weird to use the credits but I still smile whenever i hear this opening