Little Billy Krammer

I am not sure what I am doing. I have spent the last few weeks with the boy, still in the midst of the sweet part, but finally getting to the place where it is starting to feel like a relationship and less of a idea of a relationship. We finally had our first fight--though it was more of a serious discussion with both of us teary than anything--which we got through with flying colors. It was awkward but not enough to give either of us pause and instead he spent the night cuddling instead of separate and seething.

But for some reason, I still find myself getting more and more difficult as of late. I'm not sure where it comes from; if it is from the diet and giving up sugar or if it is from being on the patch or if it is getting back to a work schedule or being super tired from just readjusting to life. I find myself being snappish without meaning to, feeling the harshness tone of my voice after it came out of my mouth and I know it shouldn't be happening. And it shouldn't be happening with Johnno and and I am not sure why it is.

All I know is I feel awful the moment afterwards and yet I don't know how to stop myself. And the problem is that I love Johnno to death, I have never had a moment of doubt about where we are with each other, and I have never felt so sure in such a small amount of time but I am somehow not able to not be difficult. This scares the hell out of me because I suddenly wondering if I am becoming the type of person I never wanted to be. If I was too single for too long and have become so jaded and standoffish that being with someone who treats me well is such a foreign idea that I am afraid to trust in it. It feels like I am somehow trying to test the relationship and gauge what Johnno feels by how fair he will let me go.

It's like I am little Billy Krammer with a spoon and a quart of ice cream, just daring Johnno to try and stop me.