The Last One

So this is the last thing I will say about the past 24 hours but I have to say something so I can get it all out of my head.

See--I can't stop crying.

I'm not a crier. Anyone who knows me well knows this to be the case. I'm a stiff upper lip, keep it to my WASPy ass, no one wants to see a man cry type of guy.

And yet the tears can't seem to stop creeping out if I'm not paying attention.

There have been a lot of people--who in the nicest way possible--have been telling me to suck it up. To get with the program and look at the positive things of the last 24 hours. To just go with the flow. (The liberal flow as the case may be.)

But I can't.

Most of the people in my life can't relate to how it feels to be me today. And while I hate the idea of playing the gay card (as much as I hate the Black card, the woman card, the married card, the religious card) I think that I am coming from a different place then most of those I know and love.

Because today I know for certain that a majority of the citizens where I live think I should not have the same rights as them. Last night's election was about my rights as a person, my ability to have something that is not even questioned for anyone else that I know. (For the most part.) And while we can say that Prop 8 is a gateway for all types of moral policing, we're all in this together, it opens the door for other things, that it is unfair on principal for people in general--today it feels personal.

I can't really explain what it is like to be a minority in the United States. I can't explain what is like to be judged, dismissed and hated for something that is as a part of me as anything else. To know that there are entire groups of people who exist to try and restrict my basic human rights. But these are just large and impersonal examples.

I could try and explain what it was like to be the 'class fag' throughout high school. To be made fun of every day, spit on and isolated to the point I still hate the town that I came from. Even my brother did some of this

I could share how it felt to have "friends" in college make fun of my sexuality to the point that they invented a game called 'Offend the Rory" while my other friends sat back and watched.

I could talk about what it was like to be verbally threatened at my job for being a faggot and how it felt to have my boss tell me to 'suck it up'.

I could explain how it feels to have gone on job interviews and know that I would not be hired because I was gay. The moment when you know that you are being judged and discarded for making someone uncomfortable.

I could relive every time I have been called a faggot just standing on a street corner, minding my business, as I run errands in my neighborhood. The fear when someone out of the blue just verbally attacks you.

I could go on about the times when I have given my opinion or my advice to a friend or family member and had it discounted because I am gay and therefore do not get "it".

I could tell you about what it is like to always have to hesitate a moment before grabbing a boyfriend's hand or dancing as a couple or standing too close together when out in public. About the number of moments in my life where I have had to wait and suss out the situation before I can become a part of it.

I could try and describe that moment when I can see that someone hates me, not because they know me, but on the basis of my sexuality. That moment where you can see their eyes, the face, their body language change because they suddenly know that I am gay and to be something less because of it.

I could spend the rest of my day writing examples to try and make people begin to understand where I am coming from. How it feels to be separated and considered different, to be thought less of, to be afraid of the world, to be scared for myself... (And sometimes my boyfriend.)

Because that is what today is about for me. That feeling of isolation and hatred which I always managed to put somewhere in the back of me feels like it is on full display today. It's like having kryptonite thrown at me, like being naked in public, like being singled out of the thousands as something to be pointed at excluded.

So I will spend today being raw, wearing sunglasses to hide wet eyes, not shaving or getting dressed, avoiding the television, being pissed at the protest in Castro and West Hollywood (because those aren't the battlegrounds), not taking pity or hugs, being annoyed at those who try and tell me they get "it" when they have never been discriminated against.

It's one of the few rights I have.

And then tomorrow I will get up and start all over. I will smile and be civil, I will pull myself together and head out into the streets with a positive attitude, and I will put back on my suit of emotional armor and act like I am okay and ready for the next part of the fight.

But for today--I'm not having any of it.

(And by the way—I don’t need anymore reminders that Obama will be a part of the solution. He is not for gay marriage and is only for civil unions as is Joe Biden. He also believes that gay marriage is a state’s right issue and not a federal one which is a simple way to avoid the whole mess. He only came out against Prop 8 because of the fact it repeals civil rights that were already extended to citizens. This is one of the few times that a civil right has been repealed—making 18,000 marriages possibly invalid—which he believes is a dangerous precedent because it could open the door for similar actions against other minorities.)