How to Do Happy

I have been happy the last few days.... Chloe is town for the weekend and we were finally able to hang out and talk about everything that has been going on in person between weddings and jobs and the future. She is truly one of my best friends and it always amazes me how quickly we reconnect and sync up--it been great to have her around.

Then last night Johnno and I went out with the Valley group to do a night boat cruise I had bought as part of his birthday present. It was a large gang of us dancing and drinking and hanging out on the water and following it up with drinks at a beachside bar. It was the first time we had all hung out since the Super Bowl and it was great to catch up. This weekend just made me really happy.

It's not like I havent been happy--but I have started to realize that happiness it's self is a very small and fragile but reoccurring thing. That somehow I had this idea in my head that somehow and someway everything would just side together and I would be happy all the time... But that's not how it works...

It's a bunch of small moments that I have to learn to cherish--coffee and a book at a cafe, getting a funny card on my Facebook, a friend hearing a song and texting me. It's knowing that it is a process that is always in flux and that it can come and go but will always come back. I have to learn to build it--the relationships with people who make me happy and find ways to do things in my life that allow for it.

Maybe I am late for the game on this but it's a pretty nifty lesson.

Writing

So I have a new idea for a story... I'm slowly working out the pieces but I'm concerned that it may be too dark. I have never done well with overly heavy writing; I like a little happiness and balance, comedy and realism in my stories which I havent found yet with this idea. It's also about things that I havent thought about it in awhile and I worry that open certain doors in myself could be really hard.

Every writer I know would tell me to embrace that

But for now I am just trying to find a way to put the pieces together and make it blend into something worthwhile. Something that I can do and enjoy. Its nice to feel the words in me even if I dont know where that can lead.

Stir Crazy

I know the exact moment i have been home way too long... It's the moment when I start pulling out all the extra housewares I have in the Dollhouse, I flip through my internet scrap book of design and I suddenly remember I have paint and wall paper and random pictures that have not been hung but still hide in the apartment. It's a crazy little obsession which can lead to random shopping sprees, messy rooms during redos and just a few bad ideas

But it is all so pretty

Cheap Dates

I have become obsessed with two very separate things--groupon/living social/daily candy and making more dates with the boy... I think that with all the stress from trying to figure out how to plan the wedding I have become more self aware of how much time we don't plan for ourselves. We will--if left to our own devices--send way too much time on the couch or at the bar and not enough time doing new things together. I have always felt experience is the key to building any relationship but have forgotten to keep up with it...

And now with my lack of work all I can do is think about various ways to spend time together but not ways to afford it. So when I get any groupon type thing I automatically think it is cheap and a good idea even if I know I shouldn't spend the money... So now there is a backlog of things to do and it is up to me to find the time to do them...

But I have to stop going overboard--just because I can get cheap dates doesnt mean I should buy them and just because I can make special dates outside of the wedding doesnt make up for any problems due to wedding stress. One does not cancel out the other--not at all

Mona to My Mouse

I cannot wait till this time next week when Chloe is here!!!! I am so excited to wander the streets of LA with her, share coffee and chats, meatballs and movie award shows, and all the ways we will catch up. I have been feeling a bit detached as of late but reconnecting with her always puts me back in the right head space. We have a lot of things to talk about that arent done easily over the phone--they need hugs and laughs and all the booze we can handle... Plus she has lost a ton of weight and it is going to make me gag with jealousy but push me back into getting more motivated.

I cannot wait to see her!

Tragic

I know it is ironic to use that word with Whitney Houston's death--whether she was off the drugs when she passed away or still using doesn't really matter... Her body was already shredded by her choices and it's not surprising that her body could have eventually given up.

But I still cant believe it.

She was one the first albums I owned, one of the first singers who I felt got me and she was just as strong an actress as well. The fact that she is just gone from existence blows my mind and makes my heart hurt. I cant explain what her music has done for me or how it changed me--it just did. Every so often someone comes along who makes you feel like they are sharing your experience and giving it shaped and meaning beyond what you could do or say yourself.

This is that song for me



I just hope she is at peace. But I also hope she knew how much better she made the world for people like me--regardless of all she lived through she did make a positive change on so many levels

Asshole:

The wedding planning has been driving me insane--to the point where I get so angry and frustrated with all of it that I become an asshole to myself and Johnno. I know exactly why this is happening and yet I cannot seem to stop. Its making us fight which I dont like and making things awkward which he doesnt like and it rides the line of turning mean sometimes.

...

The problem in this is all me--my need to know, my need to have answers, my freak outs about money, about having things set and in motion. The not knowing and not getting straight answers is pushing my buttons while Johnno is the driver's seat when it comes to contacting places and getting numbers. But we both keep misstating what we mean and what we want from the other person so then things get lost or ignored or ramped up. It makes the planning miserable.

I think part of the problem is I feel like I don't have anyone to really talk to about it... It's not that the broom's men wouldn't listen but I feel like I can't turn to them--there is a million reasons why I just don't feel comfortable. And this lack of a sounding board has made me turn more and more to Johnno and he is part of the stress at times so....

I'm at a loss... But I am trying to work on this more and more--pulling myself more and more away from the situation to try and gain perspective. Hopefully this will actually start helping soon... Not sure how much more time I can take.

Hiatus

I am finally on hiatus from the job... Not that my show would normally have one but because the production company was behind on signing new locations and didnt need me. As of now I am off for the next few weeks which is good--I havent had much time off in the 14 months I have been at the show.

The time will allow me to get things done; get my workout schedule back, work on reading War and Peace, researching wedding venues and planning things, hopefully catching up with my friends and family. I have a lot of phone calls to make in the near future.

But the biggest thing I am hoping to work on is my stress level. Since I have quit again my stress has been through the roof and I am desperately trying to work on containing it. It hasnt worked out well yet and I spend more than half of my time feeling like an asshole and the other half feeling misunderstood. I need to fix things one way or another. Maybe I should start smoking pot again....

or deal with my issues--which ever comes first.