Return to Form

So I recently went back to a strawberry blond hair color--an accidentally result of going as Mitchell from "Modern Family" for Halloween. I forgot how much I like this color, how much it reminds me of being 19 in Boston, 23 in San Francisco, very old school. It probably helped that within weeks of doing it I was flirted with several different times in different places.

I like being a ginger.

I'm hoping that this change will push me to feel more confident. I do worry that it does mess up my coloring in terms of my clothing but there are worse problems to have in the world. That and gaining any upcoming holiday weight.

Be

I have to stop. I have to work on having trust, on having faith in things, on being okay. I have to learn that I am not who I thought I was and stop being afraid of every little possible crack in the moment. The truth is I am fine and I can take anything that comes my way. That I don't have to be in charge and clean and polished with everything in place. It doesn't make things better and it doesn't make me happy and it puts everything at risk.

I have to learn to be and trust in that.

This Cheating Heart

So I am half assing NaNoWriMo this year.... I decided that I would revisit my second attempt at a novel--one that has yet to be read by any besides me and Johnno... He's only read it because I am paying him.

Really.

This novel was one that I had printed out a few years back and then somehow lost the actual computer files. I'm still not sure when it happened but it took me a while to notice. I freaked out when I did because the idea of retyping so overwhelming that I kind of flaked out. But I managed to convince Johnno to take on the project for some cash and it has worked out well.

And now I am being to try and retool it. I haven't really typed a new word yet but have been working on renaming the characters and restructuring the plot in my head. What is interesting is I have found I have a handful of odd archetypes I revisit in my work. It will be interesting to see if I can get close to actually finishing it. But what I have reread I do like.

It's reassuring. It means I am taking up a hot lover instead of desperately holding on to hope for a love past it's prime. Plus it reassures me that I can have talent at points.

Forever Isn't Too Far Away

Been gone a bit... Not the first time or last time this will happen but at least i still feel guilty for not writing... Means I am keeping perspective I guess... Still its an excuse.

Boo...

Life has been crazy the last few weeks. I almost actually quit my job--it had become one of those situations where things were getting worse but no one was listening even though I am the only one in my department... I had been spending the last few Saturdays in the office (4 weeks worth) to try and make things better and when the show suddenly tried to upend that with list of new tasks to add to the ones I was hired for....

I lost my shite

I had to hide for at least an hour the day it happened--and every other day I was so upset that it was like the heat source radiating off my body. I try to be good at my job, I push myself very hard but even I reach a breaking point. I think the need to pay for my wedding is the only thing that kept me going--no matter how much Sophie try to convince how great it feels to just walk away from a job.

And then they saw the light.

Out of the blue my two bosses had a meeting with me and suddenly shifted my work load to something much more manageable, something I had pushed for almost 2 months ago and both were like-this makes the most sense right? I almost passed out from relief and in the time since then things have gotten much better. Much much better.

But until then I could barely string two words together much less a blog entry.

I always feel sorry about that.